Your Girlfriend is Ugly

What the True Blood?

** Spoiler Alert: If you haven't watched True Blood then don't read this blog. Perhaps go on to read one of my other gems instead**

Ok so last night I finished Season 1 of True Blood. Once the screen faded to black I was left feeling pissed off, bewildered, dirty and annoyed that I listened to all of the hype of people saying how "AH-MAAAAAAAAAAAAZING the show is."

Not only did the show not get interesting until the second to last episode of the Season, but in the finale they killed off my favorite character; short-order cook/drug dealer by day and gigolo by night, Lafayette.

Now, I love me some Alan Ball. He created Six Feet Under which will forever be one of the best shows to grace television. So obviously when I hear he has come up with another show for cable I'm pumped. Since I don't have HBO I have to go through a year of people telling me how amazing True Blood is and how it's the best show ever.

Finally, two weeks ago it arrived from my Netflix. I watched the pilot immediately and was taken aback by how shitty it was.

Everyone kept telling me, it gets better, it gets better. So I continued to watch. Now I don't know if it's Stephen Moyer's quasi-receding hair line or the fact that I think Sookie is a weird name and would really like to understand if it is short for something, but I can't get into these characters. 

I mean does anyone else go into giggle fits when Stephen Moyer growls "Sookaaaaaaaaaaaaaay."

It's just...I can't...It's just not sexy. Him and Sookie together are just not sexy.

I get more turned on by watching the kissing scenes in The Vampire Diaries on the kid-friendly CW than I do watching the porny-vampire sex on True Blood. 

The only characters I actually care about are Tara and Sam. I'm super curious to see what happens between them and also what the deal is with this Maryann lady and how she knows about Sam and his shape-shifting. So for all of my bitching, chances are that I'll watch Season 2 but not because I think the show is amazing or sexy or ground breaking.

I just checked my Netflix Queue and I see that I have the final season of The Shield on deck! There is a show to watch people!!

My 5 seconds of fame on Good Morning America

Oh what's up National TV!?

Yesterday I went to see New Moon at the Lincoln Center Lowe's on the Upper West Side with LK and Abery. Since it was opening weekend we arrived 2 hours early for the 4:45 show. I don't mess around with opening weekends.

I left LK and Abery downstairs while I did some recon upstairs at the Customer Service booth. I wanted to see what time we should be lining up for the show.

The CS woman glanced at the clock which displayed 2:54. "Come back 40 minutes prior to the movie. You'll be fine."

As I rode the escalators downstairs back to my friends I noticed a girl in her late 20's staring at me. I stared back.

As I went to turn left the girl started talking to me. "Hi. Did you just see a movie?"

"Uh no. But I am seeing New Moon in two hours!"

"Did you see the first one?"

"Twilight? Um like 800 times."

*chuckle* "Would you like to answer some questions for me?"

"Um....sure?"

The girl could see my confused look. "I'm a producer for ABC News."

"Oh! Well in that case SURE!!!"

"Great!"

"Wait can I grab my friends?"

"Yeah. That'd be great."

I ran over to LK and Abery. "Guys. A producer from ABC wants to talk to us about New Moon. Come on!"

"Oh. Oh no. No no no. Absolutely not."

"What?! It's TV!!!"

"No no. We'll come with you but we're not going on camera."

"Fine."

I went out to where the news team was standing. A clean cut guy in a Burnt Sienna crew neck was eagerly waiting for me.

"Hi. I'm Bradley."

"Hey Bradley."

"So we're going to ask you a few questions about the sexuality of Twilight."

"Sounds good."

"Ok now just talk to me."

"K."

"So, the author of the Twilight Series, Stephanie Meyer downplays the sexuality of the books. Do you think this adds or takes away from the movies?"

"I think it's fine. The kind of downplayed sexual tension definitely adds to the movie because you're just waiting for something to happen because their love is SOOOOOOOOOOO forbidden.

"Do you think parents like the fact that the films aren't overly sexual?"

"I think so. I mean I don't have kids myself but I know that if you want to watch people tearing their clothes off you could just turn on the CW."

*big smile. chuckle* "Yes. Shows with vampires do tend to be very sexual don't they? Why is that?"

"I don't know. Maybe because they are so powerful? But yes vampires tend to have sex attached to them. I mean look at True Blood. That's like soft-porn!"

*pause, smile* "Ok. Well said. Thank you very much!"

"No problem!"

Click the link below to see the full segment. I'm at the 2:01 mark but to get the gist of what I'm saying I recommend watching the full clip. I have to say, my sound bite is pretty profound. And uh, er the camera definitely adds 10 pounds. At least I hope!

Lisa on Good Morning America!

Not your average bowling alley

Last week I was in China for work. I specify "for work" because people ask me if I went for business or pleasure. I have to wonder who would ever to go China for pleasure? China is right up there with Iraq and Uganada for places I'd never ever want to visit unless absolutely necessary. 

So yes, I was in China for work. I started off in Shanghai, flew down to Southern China and ended my trip in Hong Kong. I don't know how to explain the three different parts of China so I'll break it down by how much I was stared at on a scale of 1-10:

Shanghai: 7.5

Southern China (Shenzhen, Dongguan): 25

Hong Kong: 0 (there are so many foreigners there that it looks like New York)

I asked my native Chinese colleague if I was being gawked at because of my blond hair and he said, "Yes. And also because you're clearly not from here." Score one for the blond highlights!

While I was in Southern China (which is very poor and filled with people who work in the factories. You're very aware of yourself when you're there. Also it was hot as hell. Shanghai was a balmy 55 degrees while Shenzhen was pushing 100.) I told my colleague that I wanted to try real authentic Southern Chinese food so we asked the concierge where to go and she suggested a place right across the street.

Because the drivers are so crazy and you're playing with your life if you don't cross at a crosswalk, my co-worker and I walked about 200 yards to the crosswalk so we wouldn't be mowed down by a 13 year old driving a wooden cart with a Ford motor attached to it. As we waited for the light to change I noticed a bowling alley. It was a building that had pictures of bowling balls and billiards on it as well as a fence surrounding it made out of bowling pins so I assumed it was a bowling alley.

 "Rubin!" I exclaimed to my colleague, "There's a bowling alley!"

"Yeah."

"We're going there after we eat."

"Ok. I never bowled before."

"WHAT?!??!!" I shouted (if we weren't be stared at before you can bet we were now).

"Yeah. Never."

"Um. Ok we're going after dinner."

"Ok." Like he even had a choice.

After choking down tofu topped with 89 pounds of chillies and prawns on a stick we walked towards the bowling alley.

"How exciting. Aren't you excited to bowl? You know they make you wear funny shoes."

"Yeah."

As we neared the entrance Rubin started to mutter something in Chinese.

"Aaaaah Lisa. I don't think this is the type of place you want to go into."

"Huh?"

"Stay here."

Rubin walked up to a guy who looked like a security guard. Security? For bowling?

Then I shifted my gaze towards the front door and saw two rows of girls on either side of the entrance.

"Oh my....."

"Lisa we need to go. This not a bowling alley."

"Rubin. Is that a....are those prostitutes??!"

"Yeah."

"Wait. Like real prostitutes?"

"Yeah. Guy can walk in there and choose whatever girl he likes."

"OH MY GOD!"

"They don't have this in US?"

"Um no. It's illegal."

"The hotel we are staying at right now offers the same service."

"Wait. You mean I can call the front desk and tell them to send me up a man and they will?"

"Yeah. Did you see your bedside table?"

I assumed Rubin meant the rack of condoms.

 

_{Shoot. All we get is a Bible.}

I just guessed it meant the Chinese were pro-safe sex what with the One Kid rule and all. I didn't think it meant Pro-prostitutes!

"Oh god! Rubin what kind of place are we staying in?!"

"Out of all the hotels in Dongguan area this was the nicest and had best reviews!"

"So I guess we're not going bowling then?"

"Yeah."

Back by poplar demand...MATTEO FEINBERG!!

After the amazing response my cousin Matty received on his gerbil blog I decided to have him write another guest post. This kid is blowing up! Eventually we'll have to get him his own blog.

I flunked a test today!!!!!

My dad bought some apple cider today and when I got home from school I had a full glass. Just as I started drinking I remembered that I had to pee. I brought the apple cider into the bathroom with me (to stop my older brother Ben from drinking it) and thought I would try and experiment. While I was peeing, I began to drink the cider expecting my pee to continue until I was done with the large glass of apple cider.

It didn't work though...I'm still trying to figure out why...hmmm?

I came out of the bathroom with my big glass of apple cider and just my pants on. My mom looked at me and asked what I was up to. When I told her what I was trying to accomplish she laughed.

New ink!

Here is a picture of my new tattoo:

It means "Never Say Never" in Italian and I got it two weeks ago when I was in LA visiting my BFF from College. No it didn't hurt that badly. The only place I was in pee your pants pain was when our artist Taku did the D. But other than that it was just a really annoying feeling.

The entire tattoo process took exactly 10 minutes. The process of perfecting the font and placement took about an hour.

I'm super happy with it! What do get for my next one!! :)

Brazilian in the 'burbs

This weekend I was up in the 'burbs of NJ with my sister visiting our friend Ali and her baby. It had been a while since we all visited and with everyone's schedules this is the only date we could get together until after Christmas. We booked spa appointments for Saturday as part of my sister's birthday present. In addition to a facial I also had Ali  book me a Brazilian wax. I hadn't had one since before my move to NJ (like since May) and I was way overdue. I felt like every time I took my pants off "WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE" would come blasting out of my crotch.

Jodi, the nice aesthitician greeted me and off we went to the little room complete with eucalyptus plants and zen, waterfally music. Normally when you get a wax they have you put on this disposable underwear. I think this is dumb. I mean you're getting your entire "area" waxed. The jigg is up! Now is not the time to be a prude.

"I usually don't do the disposable underwear," said Jodi.

"Oh. Neither do I. I mean what's to hide!"

"Ha! I know. Ok so this isn't your first time at the rodeo?"

"No. I've had one before." I then glanced down and gave Jodi a sheepish look. "Although by the looks of things you'd never know it."

"Oh it's fine. I've seen worse"

I laid down on the table and Jodi went about her business on my business. We got to the part that makes it an actual Brazilian.

"Do you want me on all fours?"

"No. What I usually do is have you hug your knees to your chest. This avoids you having you to get on all fours."

Right. Because this is way LESS awkward than going on all fours.

So there I am, in the Happy Baby pose:

And I am trying desperately not to let one rip in Jodi's face. In case you're wondering this is a really good ab workout! The next day I woke up and was totally in pain but in a good way in my abs.

But I digress. Every few minutes I kept getting a cramp in my hip so I had to relax myself. And one time I didn't give Jodi the heads up and relaxed my leg before all of the wax had been removed so I was sticking to myself for a little bit.

She finished and I could finally put my legs down.

"Ok," she chirped, "Now I'm going to have you roll over onto your stomach and hold your backside apart so I can get the rest of the hair."

"Oh. We're not done. Ok."

I flipped over and reached around to pull my cheeks apart.

Ever tried this? Yeah. It's not easy. Not easy for a second. Especially not easy when you're sweaty and your hands keep slipping off of your butt.

In all of my awkwardness I actually blurted out, "This part actually doesn't bother me. In fact I kind of like it!"

I could actually feel Jodi cringe. I mean...it's true. But like, reel it in Lisa. REEL IT IN.

It's a good thing that isn't my regular waxing place. I'm sure Jodi will be happy to never have to deal with me again.

The Target Story: Rosemarie's side of the story

This is a guest blog from my HLP (Heterosexual Life Partner) Rosemarie Catherine Doherty. Or just Rose. She wrote story from her POV. In a few days I'll follow up with mine. ENJOY!

One Night HLP and I had some time to kill before we headed over to a party at a friends house. We didn't want to arrive too early so we decided to stop at the Target Greatland that was right by their house. A friend of mind had just had a baby girl and of course I wanted to buy some new outfits for her. As we entered the store I realized that I left my phone in the car and mumbled to Lisa that I didn't have my cell.

Now. We all know how Lisa does not do babies so as I headed to the infant section she said she was going to wander around pajamas. Between the racks of pink and blue onesies I hear:

"Rose!.....Rose...."

"Yeah? I'm right here."

I peeked through the baby clothes and saw Lisa taking off in the other direction with our red cart.

"Lisa. Lisa!" I yelled but she kept going. I thought it was fine and that we'd eventually find each other when I was done.

A few minutes later, armed with really cute baby outfits, I set out to look for her. How hard could it be? Just look for the girl with the long black coat

I started out towards the storage section. This is where I had seen her last. No Lisa. I headed to bedding. No Lisa. Did I mention this was a Target GREATLAND?! I headed to home cleaning since I know how much she likes to admire the Method products. No Lisa. Up the aisles through kitchen ware. No Lisa.

"Where the hell is she!" I muttered to myself. I started to head back towards the baby section and through the clothing. I stopped in the middle of the store and looked around. Every girl was wearing a long black puffy coat. It was winter after all.

I was starting to get annoyed. I headed up towards the front of the store and stopped at socks, peered through belts and meandered through jewelry. No Lisa. I started to make my way towards the registers when I heard a man's voice on the loudspeaker.

"ATTENTION TARGET SHOPPERS...WILL ROSEMARY DOHERTY PLEASE REPORT TO GUEST SERVICES."

Oh. My. God. No she did not. NO SHE DID NOT JUST HAVE ME PAGED AT TARGET. I laughed out loud to myself. Two seconds later I reached the front of the store and there standing by the register is HLP reading a magazine. We had been 10 feet from each other when she had me paged.

We looked at each other and immediately started dying laughing. 

"I cannot believe you did that HLP!" I said.

"I couldn't find you. I kept texting you telling you where I was."

"I told you I left my phone in the car!"

"I didn't hear you."

"And he didn't even get my name right. He said ROSEMARY!"

"I totally told him Rosemarie."

We giggled the whole way out the store.

My gerbils. A love story.

Hello readers! I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't been updating YGIU nearly as much as I should be. I have been petitioning for guest bloggers and someone finally answered the call.

My 10 year old cousin Matty (10 going on 25) has decided to take the guest blogging reigns. In case you need a refresher, Matty is the cousin who talks in detail about Mr. Happy.I give you Matty aka Mateo Feinberg's first blog!

When I first got Mittens and Smoke I was really excited. They are my new pet gerbils that I got for my birthday in August. The plan was to get two males (since gerbils reproduce faster than rabbits every 21 days) but we ended up with a male and female because my friend Molly only had a male and a female left from their litter.

Needless to say, Mittens quickly became pregnant, so I researched gerbils having babies and found out that the male needs to be separated from the mother and baby so he does not harm them. This past Friday night, with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz shooting their movie in Bridgewater, MA (where I'm from) Mittens had one baby gerbil. Mother, father and baby gerbil are doing well.

Stay tuned for updates on the gerbils. What will Mittens name the baby? Will she name it after Tom or Cameron?

The proud Father, Smokey

The baby momma, Mittens debuting her post baby bod!

The Love Child.

'Chu don' know me

This morning I noticed that my friend Brennon's facebook status was: Brennon Slattery hates it when people feel the need to comment on how tired he looks.

I immediately commented saying that I completely agree. Like, did I tell you I was tired? Why do you feel the need to put your two cents in.

We went back and forth a few more times; me saying I hate when people ask if I'm sick when I'm perfectly healthy and him when people ask him if he's gay.

Later I was walking to work from the Subway. I had my iPod on and was jamming along to the playlist entitled "Lisa is FUN." I swiped my card allowing me access into the building and then made a break for the elevators. People are notorious for not holding the elevator doors for you in this office and this morning was no different. Just as I was coming up to the doors they started to close so I put my arm in (not the smartest idea..?!) and hopped aboard. There was only one other woman in the vator with me. She was dressed like a tourist (she had a windbreaker tied around her waist....like might as well paint a target on your forehead). I still had my iPod on so I didn't notice that she was talking to me.

"Huh?" I said holding my left iPod ear bud in my hand.

"I said, already having a bad day?"

"Um...no..."

"Oh..."

I felt like shouting at her, "But I fucking am now!!!"

Who says that?! You don't know me! What if I was having a bad day. What if a coyote stole my (stuffed) dog. Or what if I had a wardrobe malfunction?

And furthermore, it was before 9 FUCKING AM!!!! I hadn't even ingested a cup of coffee. I don't speak to people I know that early.

The bitch of it is, is that I was in a perfectly jovial mood before I held the elevator for myself.

The cry of (Lisa) the cicadas

A couple of weeks ago I was circling around Hoboken for a parking spot. The radio was turned off so the only thing I could hear was the low hum of Suzi's A/C. As I barreled down Bloomfield and took a left onto 11th street I noticed a steady hum.

"What the hell is that noise?" I said to aloud. To myself.

I rolled the window down and it sounded like Jimmeny Cricket was having a cricket party in the Playboy Grotto.

"Huh..." I rolled the window back up and went on my merry way.

This past Sunday I arrived home from the Cape when I noticed something in my foyer; a bug that was toes up .I knew it wasn't a roach (thank God. I'd have moved out of that place sooner than you can say Hermes) because the belly was white and it had these blazing red eyes.

I mulled it over for a second and then a light went off in my brain: CICADAS!

It all made sense! The constant humming, the GROSS looking bodies with the huge eyes. Hoboken had cicadas!

I grabbed a broom from my kitchen and swept the little bugger out onto the sidewalk (not without a grand display of multiple ew! ew! ews! and OMGs! from me)

After I sent the bug carcass to his (her?) cement grave I hopped on my Mac Book to do some research. I thought cicadas only came out like every 17 years so of course they'd have to be rising from the ground the summer I move to Hoboken right?

I couldn't find any information about the cicadas and Hoboken. The only cicada related link was a listing for the Golden Cicada Tavern in Jersey City. I found this odd because last summer Cape Cod was riddled with cicadas of the every-seventeen-year variety and you'd have thought WWIII had broken out. Every major news station, newspaper and blog were buzzing about the critters.

Not finding any information I just chalked it up to a random incident and once again went on my merry way.

So last night I am once again circling for a parking spot (it blows to park in Hoboken btdubbs) and the humming sound is just too much for me to deal with. As I was walking down Bloomfield I looked to my left and there was a lost cicada chilling on the sidewalk.

"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" I screamed and scuttled away. Once I caught my breath I saw a woman sitting on her stoop, looking longingly up into the night sky.

"Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

"Mmmmmm?"

"That noise? Is that...are those like...cicadas?"

"Yeah!"

"REALLY? There are cicadas in Hoboken?"

"Yes. Isn't the noise they make lovely?"

Naturally I get the only hippy dippy in Hoboken who actually thinks cicada infestations are "lovely."

"Have a nice night," I said and continued the walk down Bloomfield to my apartment. I avoided every tree because I was nervous one was going to latch onto my purse and follow me all the way home.

As I made my way up to my front door I saw it, a sluggish cicada pimping around my front foyer.

"OMG!!! EW EW EWEWEWEWEWEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW-AH!!!"

People were staring at me but I didn't care. I do not do bugs. Give me rats. Give me mice. I can't handle bugs of any variety.

I stood on my stoop whimpering, staring at the index finger sized cicada traipsing around the tile of my front entry way.

"Ooooooh. How am I going to get iiiiiiiiiiiiiin???" I wiggled in place. People looking at me probably thought I was doing the pee-pee dance.

I was out on the steps for about five minutes, keeping my eyes firmly planted on the critter when a girl slowed down in front of my stoop.

I launched myself at her, "OMG!!!! DO YOU LIVE HERE!!??!?!!?!?!?!?"

"Uuuuhm. My boyfriend does? Why?"

"There is a GIANT cicada in the foyer and EWWWWWWWWWWWWW it's sooo grossssss-ah!!! OMG EW! IT JUST MOVED!! EW EW EW EW!!!"

Folks. I am not embellishing. I was this dramatic and horrifying.

"O-oohkay. So how about I go in first, open the door and you run in."

"OK!"

The girl went ahead of me and punched in the code to open the front door. She held it open and stared at me in anticipation.

"Ok...come on...."

"Ew I can't. It's so gross."

"You can do it..."

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I hate bugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss."

I was totally petrified of the cicada latching on to me but my need for a glass of Malbec out weighed my fear so I ran up the stairs (Lisa does not run) and catapulted myself through the front door. Once safely inside I looked out into the foyer and saw that indeed the cicada was still lazily walking around.

I turned to the girl who had saved my life.

"Thanks so much!"

"No problem."

"Sorry...bugs just REALLY GROSS ME OUT!" I said....awkwardly. Like she really needed further explanation. I acted like I was jumping through blazing fire hoops instead of walking past a harmless bug.

I wish someone would tell me when cicada season was over in Hoboken.