For the second time this cold and flu season I have developed the plague. You can imagine how annoying it is. I rarely get sick and when I do it's a little stuffy nose with a post nasal drip. I bang down some Advil Cold & Sinus and I'm good to go.
But not this year. A few weeks ago I had the runny nose that wouldn't shut off along with the sore through and blocked ears to boot. This year I've got the tickle cough with the stuffy nose and the sinus headaches and the chest pains from all of the hacking. There is definitely all types of shizz going around. My work is like the sick ward at Beth Israel with all of the sniffing and coughing and zombie like figures walking around.
As it happens I'm a decent patient. I mostly just keep to myself and munch quietly on Halls Vitamin C Defense cough drops. However this time around something about the chest pains triggered a red alert to me. I have high blood pressure and lately I've been getting these fluttery sensations with my heartbeats and I asked my primary care about the fluttering and she said it was normal. Still, I wanted to see the doctor and get some cough pills since anything over the counter increases my blood pressure.
I checked in, paid my $20 co-pay (ba-RU-tal) and took my seat. Before I could even start tapping away on my Blackberry, "LISA GRADIE!" was called.
One of the beastliest women I've ever seen in my life motioned for me to follow her. She literally looked like an American Gladiator reject with a mustache to boot.
We went into the room where she asked what was wrong with me as she snapped her gum.
"Um. Well. I have a cough..."
"Uh huh."
"And, um, my chest hurts."
"Chest pains from the cough right?"
"Well I think so but..."
"They're gonna tell you it's from the cough."
"Ok..."
"Let me go get the doctor."
Please bear in mind that the doctor I was seeing today was not my cool, quirky primary care whom I like very much. Dr. Clark was a "give me whatever you got available" appointment. I was on edge and for some reason I felt that there was something really wrong with me. The back of my neck hurt so maybe I had a tumor??
The door creaked open and in walked the doctor:
GAH!
"Hello. I'm Dr. Clarke."
No. You're Lucius Malfoy from Harry Potter!
"Hi."
"Ok so tell me why you're here."
I proceeded to explain my cough and chest pains to her. "And I've also got this kind of like fluttering sensation in my heart."
"Well, wait. Are you here for the cough or the fluttering sensation."
"Um. Well I guess both? I have the chest pains and I've brought up the fluttering with Dr. Jospe before, she said it wasn't a big deal but since I'm here I figured why not bring it up again!"
I was starting to get hysterical and I could tell that Dr. Lucius was totally judging me. She sat at her desk with her stringy blond hair and her ugly pink pull over with her head in her hands totally bummed that her 3:00 appointment had to be with some crazy girl.
"LOOK!" I exclaimed, hands flailing, "I'm not some crazy hypochondriac OK! I don't just leave work and drive up Route NINE to come here and pay twenty dollars if I think nothing is wrong with me! I have a fluttery feeling, I have a cough, please check me out and give me the cough-y pills!"
"Uhhherrrrm....Okaaaaay well why don't you come up here so I can take a look."
I had successfully freaked out the doctor. She barely touched me as she listened to my heart and lungs and wouldn't look me in the eye.
"Well I think you have a virus. You heart and lungs sound clear so I think that the chest pains are from the coughing."
"And the fluttering?"
"I know the sensation you described to me. It is normal and I'm not poo-pooing it at all (poo-poo!) but I really think that it is just a hydratacichardiathrombosismerasldfjasdf (really big doctor word for normal fluttery feeling).
"But," Dr. Lucius continued, "If you really want to know what it is then we can put you on a heart monitor for 24 hours."
"A HEART MONITOR!?"
"Again, it's normal. But I really don't think you need it."
"Ok. So about the cough..."
"You can take Robotussin DM."
"Yeah. I don't take cough medicine. It makes me gag. I'll need you to write me a script for the cough pills."
"Oh. Ok. Follow me."
I followed Dr. Lucius to her office which, mind you, had no photos of any kind on the walls or desk. Not even a calendar. She hand wrote me the script and passed it to me, all the while keeping her hollow stare averted from my face.
"Thanks." I snapped it up, turned on my heel and sped off.
I'm sure Dr. Lucius is a nice zombie person who has family. But when I'm in my neurotic state I just can't deal with any blank stares and silent guffaws. The next time I make an appointment that isn't with my primary care I'll make sure to specify that I need someone with a cheery disposition, rosy cheeks and a sing-songy voice. Perhaps Mary Poppins?
