I posted this blog on Burt Reynolds' Mustache back in August of 2008. For prosterity I wanted to put it on Yourgirlfriendisugly so everyone could read it. This is not only one of my finest blogs but it also still makes me LOL to the max when I read it.
For the record, 2008 was a dark time in my life and I have since matured from when this blog was published. Kind of.
Aaaah yes. The booty call. The only time when a 2 a.m.text message stating, "What are you doing right now?" actually means, "I don't care what you're doing right now, come over and plow me like you would the new corn harvest."
Any other time of day this text message is innocent and a simple friendly inquiry. But because it was sent after midnight, it's a whooooooole different animal.
I have had my share of booty calls and one night stands. I went to college, I live in the world and I was 21 once. There are people out there - men and women- who have never done it and that's fine. Doesn't make you any more or less of a man/woman. But even though you feel like a dirty ho in the morning as you stare at the guy that you don't know from a ham sandwich, it's still kind of fun. I'm not going to lie.
However, my last one caused me to take pause and reevaluate the booty call situation.
I had planned on having sex with a relative of a friend. I asked the friend for permission before I got sloppy drunk and proceeded with my prowling. The friend LOL'd, said "Sure" and that was all the ammo I needed.
I already had a night out planned with HLP and Brennon. We wanted to go to Alibi but the line was too long so we decided to hit up my friends gay bar. Brennon was thrilled and HLP and I were pumped for free drinks from gay men. I texted the Sex and told him where we were going. He wasn't down with the gay bar scene and told me to sext him when I was on my way home.
Forty cocktails later, the three of us squeezed ourselves into a cab for the 5 minute ride back to my apartment. On the way back I sexted the Sex. "Meet me at my apartment in 20 mins." Well, that's what it was supposed to say. I'm sure it read, "Mweet nme in imiy appreatnment on 2c mobs."
HLP was parked at my place and she and Brennon walked me upstairs to make sure I was OK. I fell going up the stairs and then when I stumbled through the front door I fell on my bed, lifted my legs up in the air and proclaimed to the empty room to "PUT IT IN MEEEE!!!"
"Uuuuh. Are you going to be OK?"
"Oooooooooooh yesh yesh suuure suuuure. I'ww be fwein."
"Uuuuuh ok. We're gonna go."
Twenty minutes later my Berry rang. It was the guy calling to let me know that he arrived. I had passed out waiting for the Sex to arrive.
I got up and tried to look as alluring as possible. But as soon as I opened the door and saw him standing there with a 6-pack of beer, the 3 bottles of Kettle One I had consumed suddenly hit me and I realized that I was hammered and he was stone cold sober. Not good.
See, one of the best things about the drunken booty call and/or one night stand is that you're usually just that: Drunk. So it's hot and sloppy and nasty. It's not one person being shit faced and the other person being sober. Then you get into gray areas where the words "taking advantage of" and "she sooo wanted it" come to mind.
I invited him in and we both cracked open two beers and sat on opposite ends of my couch. We talked about his apartment and his job and what I had done that night leading up to him being here. (I drank, natch). There were more lulls, more awkward silences, more sounds of beer being sipped through a long neck. Then, in one of my most stellar moves to date I said to him, "Scho...wass your favorite holiday?"
He chuckled a very snervous chuckle, "Uuuhhhmm...Halloween."
"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I hate halloween. Worse holiday everrrrrrrrrrrr. Mine's the Fourth of Juwy!"
That was it. That sealed my fate. There would be no booty call action at all that night. We both finished our beers and 75 minutes after he'd arrived at my apartment he got ready to leave. I stumbled with him to the door and on the way out said to him, "Wow. Scho I guess you just wanted to 'talk' huh?" And yes, I made the air quotes as I said this.
"I'll give you a call tomorrow."
Haven't heard from him since.