Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Geesh. They're letting anyone on Match.com.

I think I've found my absolute soul-mate. The guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. Seriously. I mean he's just SO amazing I had to tell the world about him. Well, actually instead of me going on and on about this new gem I'll just let you read his ABOUT ME for yourself:

I don't have much time on Match left. I did NOT join for true love. This is fun and safe (so far). I've lived in NYC for the last 5 years, and have recently moved home. I guess my family and friends missed me, but who could blame them? I'm quite likable. I have been on some serious roller coaster relationships and psychos need not apply. I can be superficial and needy. Unless you have superb genetics, please get to the gym. Looking good takes work, and I'd like to find a girl who takes pride in her appearance. Alot of u girls are lying... Don't say you are average if you are fat. Don't say you are funny, cute, etc... if you are NOT. All ur profiles are starting to look the same. BE HONEST! And if you do meet me, like me, make a connection w/me.. then don't play games!

So are you still here? I'm sure I'm not winning too many fans with this rant. But I swear, I am a "nice guy" Hahahahaha... whatever!

Gee. Can't imagine why your time has run out on Match and you still haven't found anyone. Is this clown for real? And don't even tell me "Oh well at least he's honest!"

No. No. There's a difference between being honest and being a D-bag. Being honest is me saying, "I don't like to camp." Not saying, "Um. If you camp you're a dirty hippy who doesn't know how to dress and you probably are poor."  (Just for the record: I don't think that. I just REALLY don't like camping.)

Oh and it gets better. Here are his favorite things:

It's all or nothing. I like to go hardcore at the gym when I go, diet neurotically when I'm trying to get in shape. But when I want to eat bad, ColdStone or Bickfords will do. I also like the beach and sex... is that enough for now?

Um. Honestly. Talking about how much you like sex is right up there with talking about how much you like money. It's tacky and unnecessary since everyone likes those two things!

You're probably wondering what he looks like? I mean someone who's that much of a dick has to have, well the dick and the looks to back it up. I mean that's what you'd think right? You're reading the above filth in bold and probably imaging this:

Geoff Stults....HOT.

Geoff Stults not your type?. Ok well maybe reading the above you were thinking this:

Yummers!

Ok well Maybe John Mayer isn't your style either. Whatever winds your clock.

Well I don't think that your brain was migrating towards this:

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

If you're gonna talk shit then don't look like a bald Balki.

If one of his friends reads this, feel FREE to pass this along. Someone's gotta tell him.

Spelling mistakes and a nympho....Whatta match!

Now I'm not sure if I even want to find someone from the online dating scene! Reading the profiles and having to fend off these guys is turning into pure comedy. Honestly! If I become taken then where will I get my daily laughs from?????

**(All spelling mistakes, context and grammar have been left in the original format)**

An about me from a dude:

Man of adveture . . . .Intelligent, ark, sucessfull, strong funny, early thrties. . . You've met yor match.

ME: Happy good looking healthy d/d free, not boring. Smart, clean and a nice bod. I enjopy touching, romantic dinners the beach, travels adventure, danger, sentual teasing, and building anticipation (hours or days?) . . . and I love unusual women

Hobbies: Two eyes across a crowed room. You feel the tingle go up your spine as your back instinctively arches, and your lips send a smile back to the stranger. But the eyes don't look away. You are being watched and you love it. . .

I am very preoccupied with mentally stimulating conversation, intense kissing, *eletricity*, caressing, intrigue, facination, intense rough and sentual sex that lasts for hours. I like to find that special spot and make the sensation last for a long long time.

I am not an attorney or a doctor . . . self, made and sucessful . . .Got Pics? You show me yours . . . I'll show you mine

If you have major baggage, are sexually repressed or have issues with men, please don't contact me.

Quote: I can recall when I first noticed how a woman's underclothing barley touches her skin, how it floats on a cushion of air, as she moves, how it floats about her body brushing her body like an angels wings- was then I understood how a woman must be touched

Uh huh....

Ok so Senor Sex-o's hobby is to stare at someone across a room and basically stalk them? And he's interested in stimulating conversation? Shut up Shut uuuuuuup! Because I just like to be with a guy and bang my head against a table when we hang out.

I have a few questions:

• "Intelligent, ark, sucessfull".....What is ARK?
• What does d/d free mean???
• Has this person ever heard of spell check?

He likes intense kissing and caressing? Buddy! You may want to leave some stuff to mystery! I read about how he likes to have rough sex for hours and this does not make me want to email him. It makes me feel nervous.

And his criteria? "If you have major baggage, are sexually repressed or have issues with men, please don't contact me." And here I thought I was being too specific with my height requirements.....

Busted Brunch.

So I had a brunch date scheduled for this past Saturday. And it was kind of an S-show to get the whole thing going. I suggested Friday. He was busy Friday night. He suggested coffee Saturday morning. I hedged due to the fact that being cute in the morning is stressful. Anything going on in the morning is stressful. But we decided to move forward with brunch Saturday morning at noon. I could do that.

This guy seemed very normal. Our emails were funny. The back and forth banter was good and he asked me out at just the right time in our emailing relationship. Because see (for those of you who don't online date) there is only SO MUCH emailing and phone talking you can do before you're just like, "Um...I'm sorta not looking for a pen-pal....Can we just meet and get it over with because if you're a loser I'd like to not waste any more time." Yeah it's like that.

So I gave him my number and said to call me if needed directions or anything. 

I wake up on Saturday morning around 9 and have coffee, meander the halls of my apartment and watch some of the BH 90210 marathon on the Soap Network (it was the DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES one. Such Greatness!!!). Around 10 I decide to hop in the shower. As I'm letting the water heat up I hear my phone ring. I head to my room and see that there is a VM. It's my date canceling claiming a "stomach bug" and him saying that he's canceling because "he wouldn't be a good date or feel that he would make a good first impression sitting across the table from me with a stomach bug." And he kept apologizing.

Um. It was 10:15. You call to cancel at 10:15 when you're supposed to meet someone at noon?

Ghetto.

A coupla things:

• I firmly believe that if you're sick and have to cancel something, you don't apologize for it. If you're so sick and really can't make it why are you apologizing? You're sick after all.
• It's online dating so it's not like I can really take it personally because he's never met me. If he did this and it was our second date then I'd be offended and trying to rehash his voicemail nine ways until Friday.

Personally I think  he went out Friday night like he said he was, got hammered and woke up hung over. Ok. Not a big deal. But it's a first date! Get your shit together and go out for two hours MAX. And you're a guy. It's not like hung over guys have to worry about what they look like. You get up, shower, shave and get dressed. Girls have to worry about being puffy and if their pores look too big from the alcohol and if their hair is matted. It's very different.

I texted the guy a half hour later saying "Feel better," and have not heard anything back from him. No email. No text back. Larry suggested that the thought of sitting across from someone on a blind date could have made him nervous.

Ok. I can see that. But why are you dating online. I can't imagine you're doing it for fun. I would think you're doing it because eventually you'd like to meet someone.

Mind blowing. Simply mind blowing.

Not sure what his damage is? Maybe a Napolean complex....?

Man. Some guys just can't take a joke! Or read sarcasm.

I have this posted on one of my numerous online dating profiles in my ABOUT ME:

....I will most likely make anyone around me laugh. In fact, I'll bet $20 bucks that I'll make YOU laugh before you're done reading this. (smiling and snickering count too).

Just looking for a guy who is tall, (hopefully) likes coffee, knows who he is and doesn't have to find himself. In short: SOMEONE NORMAL!

Not too bad right? I mean in reading this I don't see how I'm at all offensive. Most people are just looking for someone normal. And besides I thought what I wrote was kind of cute and on the endearing side.....

So this morning I get this email:

On 04/05/2007 10:41 pm EDT, James wrote: (all grammar and spelling have been left in the original form)

only tall men are normal?  you didnt make me laugh...

Um Ok Jimmy. Well that's not what I said. I just said I wanted someone normal.

I clicked on Jim's profile and saw that he is only 5'8''. Ah ha! Someone's got issues. And like....way to be rude with the "you didn't make me laugh..." I mean...why even email me? If you feel that strongly that I'm Satan just by pass my profile and mutter "what a bitch" under your breath. I won't be hurt.

So I wrote this back:

On 04/06/2007 09:53 am EDT, you wrote:

Oh well I'm sorry you weren't amused. We can't all have a stellar sense of humor.

Re: height, I didn't specify how tall. Just tall. And since I'm 5'4'' it doesn't take much to be taller than me.

Chill out Jim. You don't have to be the Jolly Green Mother-Effing Giant to be taller than I am.

I hope that James goes on to find a nice girl. He'll apparently end up dating someone who's really boring because he has no sense of humor.

The lesson learned here: Careful who you snarkily (yeah I made it up) email, because she may blog about you.

I am awkward. And you are giving me way too much info.

I came across this guy during my online dating travels. He wrote the following in his About Me. I know it looks long, but seriously...it's way too good to NOT read. I mean....who writes stuff like this?! (*please note: spelling, grammar and context have all been left in original form. No way would I want to deprive anyone...)

I am a very liberal person, and my answers to these sorts of questions bears all this out. I am generally very forgiving, no very uncaring about pretty much every fetish as long as it is between two consenting adults. Granted, there are a couple lines that I do not cross, hereafter referred to as the "Pentagon of Shame" (there might be more than five lines, I cannot remember them all). The lines are things like pedophilia, corprophagia (look it up, I don't want to have to explain it), necrophilia, etc. Big fucking lines, and I don't want to have anything to do with the stuff on the other side.

(I just...I want to comment on this so badly but I'm going to wait until you finish reading everything)

That's not to say that I am into every fetish. I simply don't care. Are you a guy who likes to dress up in women's clothing? Great! Not my idea of fun (high heels are a bitch), nothing I am particularly interested in, but I don't look down on you for having that fetish. Decided to enter into a Gorean relationship (again, look it up). Good for you, probably not for me. I might not be into the fetish, but I usually understand it.

That said, I really don't get foot fetishes. Let me just be clear here.

1) I don't look down on anyone who has a foot fetish.
2) I don't mind giving footrubs. Heck, I even like footrubs. But not in a sexual way, but in the same way that I like giving backrubs, or deep tissue massages. I also like to play air hockey. These are things I am good at.
3) Who knows, maybe one day I will see a woman's feet and be struck by their beauty, just like Peter was struck by God (was that Peter? Atheist speaking here), becoming a total convert. But probably not.

I have tried to understand foot fetishes. Because I want to understand everything, and understanding a fetish is a great way to understanding critical parts of human behavior. It just seems to me that of all the body parts to fetishize, the foot seems one of the strangest. I suppose that one could have a big elbow mad-on, or really have something for knuckles.

I mean, I understand that there is a power dynamic there, particularly in a foot worship scenario. The idea that you are so beautiful that you will worship the smallest or lowliest part of them, even the feet, is sometimes the idea. But there are (as far as I understand it), many different aspects and types of foot fetishes. Some people just like to watch feet walking in vanilla pudding, or smashing tacos. That doesn't seem to be a worship scenario, though it probably dovetails into some food fetishes (as opposed to foot fetishes). Heck, it probably just has to do with psycho-imprinting during younger ages.

Maybe I should have been a psych major.

If anyone out there who is a foot fetish (on any side of the fetish), could explain some of it to me, I would appreciate it. Or even discuss it. But this question is good because at the very least, a foot fetish person can make their potential mates answer mandatory. OK Cupid, bringing people together since 19-aught-8.

I tell ya. Never in my life has it been THIS HARD to meet guys.

Why in the name of foot fetishes is he writing about this?! And I'm confused. Does  he have a fetish or doesn't he? Was he just all around curious about them and thought that a dating website was the way to get more information about it? And if you're super into fetishes why not try a dating site that caters to such things?

Imagine meeting this guy at a party and just having him slide this into the convo? I mean how socially advanced can he be if he's trying to get chicks by mentioning a disease where people eat their own poop? (What? I looked it up!)

The thing is, is that I can tell by the tone of his writing that his sense of humor is what I would find amusing. I'm sure if we had er....similar interests....we'd get along swimmingly.

That's what I get for doing a FREE online dating site. Geesh!

An addendum to my "criteria"

Last week I posted this blog about my criteria for the online dating. You know, the real important stuff: height (I prefer giants), stability, geography...read the blog if you want the full spiel. But over the past week I've had two phone conversations with two men and I have to say that I need to add to my rolling list.

I hear South America is lovely this time of year.

ring ring.....ring ring....

"Helloooo..."

"Hey *Lamar, it's Lisa." *name has been changed for fear that the Federales may read this.

"Hey Lisa, what's up? It's good to hear from you."

Insert awkward rehashing of emails that the two of you have already sent....

Insert awkward getting to know you chatter......

"So, do you have anything planned for the summer?"

"Taking a vacation in July and also heading to Vegas that same month. Mostly just hanging out down the Cape."

"Fun. I've never been to the Cape."

I hate when people say this. As soon as people learn my family has a house down there it's all, "Ooooh I've never beeeeen. I bet it's sooooooooo nice...(pleaseinviteme)." I need to start keeping my mouth shut.

"What about you Lamar? Anything planned?"

"Nothing really. Visiting my dad a lot."

"Oh. Where is he?" 

"In jail."

"Oh...r-r-really???"

"Yeah....."

stopstopdon'task.......too late.."Why????"

"Um...well my dad had a drinking problem and he got into a fight with one of his coworkers. It kind of didn't end well. But my mom is remarried now to this awesome guy..........(zzzzzzstatic...white noisezzzzzzzz)"

He didn't go into more detail and I did not press the matter further. I'm assuming that said altercation was not an ear flick or a "triple-dog-dare" resulting in someones tongue getting stuck to a flag pole. I have visions of shivs dancing through my head.

I bid Lamar adieu and finished off the full bottle of CAB SAV I had lying around.

Keep the mental health issues on the D.L. At least until after the third date.

Talking to this one guy. Nice enough. Has a job. Owns his own place. Thinks the fact that I'm permanently hooked up to a caffeine I.V. is deliciously adorable. So we're chatting and I'm asking him how his weekend went and he tells me how he hung out with his niece and nephew. Aaaw how cute. He likes kids. He then proceeds to tell me how his parents are raising the niece and nephew. My first reaction is to blurt out, "Why? Is she dead???" (It's called a filter Lisa. Maybe you could find a cute one at Nordstrom's???). The guy replies, "No", and proceeds to tell me how his sister has severe mental health issues.

"Ok....."

And how she dates assholes (or A-holes as it were) who take advantage of her.

Uh-huh. Well then, isn't that just a tasty little nugget for me to chew on. I know a lot of people who date online are open and honest right from the get go and that's perfectly fine. And I am no stranger to dealing with individuals how have mental health issues. But shouldn't we at least meet me before you start dipping into the family drama.

Does that thing come with double sided air bags??

This, unfortunately did not happen to me but it's too good to not comment on.

My good friend JSlutt is also testing the online dating waters. Now, there are some professions where I could see myself being the "wife of". For example, being the wife of a doctor. Love it. The wife of a New England or Pittsburgh Pirates Quarterback. Sure. I could deal with that. But the wife of a Funeral Director? Um....herm...

She received an email from this guy...

I'm not entirely sure if it was ever established whether or not he is a funeral director or if this is him posing by a coffin for the shit of it, but both are equally disturbing.

That's all for this week. Stay tuned. Who knows. I could meet a Thai contortionist who can shoot bow and arrows with his toes!

Am I asking too much...?

Well it seems like online dating is the fashionable thing to do these days. Even if people are doing it "just for fun" because they could totally find a date on their own. Mmmmhmmm....

Anyway. Equally as fashionable is blogging about it so I need to keep up.

The Clown Market has been in full effect recently. The entire point of dating online (I thought) was so you could weed out the folks that you didn't want to talk to. With online dating you can survey the goods before you buy them. You see a guy you think you could like. You click on the guy. You see that said guy is into camping and spending days on end in the wilderness. Immediately your manicure and blow out get nervous. So you keep going.

Personally, I take it very seriously. I do my research and look at his profession, his living situation, and his age. If he has 4 things that I like, but is 45 years old, it's not going to happen. You move on.

So why is it that when I'm looking for a guy who is between the ages of 27-35, I get guys who are 22 and still in college winking at me? Or I want a guy who makes a certain amount of money and I get the guy who works as a ticket taker at Lowe's sending me emails saying how beautiful I am.

Come oooooooooooooon buddy!!! It's a waste of my time and yours. And you know what? I have standards. I don't think they should be lowered no matter what the circumstances.   

I was lamenting about this the other day at work. I found myself saying aloud, "Is it just too much to ask for a guy who is tall, financially stable and doesn't live with his parents???" My coworkers, unable to ignore my lamenting because we share a huge room/office said to me, "Lisa, why don't you just put that in your profile?"

Hm.......Well I thought about it before but I always assumed it was too bold and brazen. I didn't do it at first and then continued to peruse the dudes. I came upon this one guy who seemed to have NON-hobbit qualities. His profile was funny, he seemed to have a good job. I scrolled further down to find that he only wanted to date girls who were blonde and between 90lbs and 110lbs.

Um. Honestly? So if this guy is discriminating by hair color and body weight then I'm going balls to the wall.

Here's what I wrote:

About you. I like guys who are super tall. Like hitting over the 6'4'' mark. It's not a deal breaker but I'm just saying. If you want to get to know me you should be financially stable. I'm not looking to be your Sugar Mama. You should have your own car and not live with your parents. Oh and if you live with roommates, at least have your own room. I like being outside as much as the next person but I don't camp. So that can be your thing. I tend to sometimes take myself too seriously, so I need someone who can reel me in.

Let me break this down so you all know where I'm coming from.

About you. I like guys who are super tall. Like hitting over the 6'4'' mark. It's not a deal breaker but I'm just saying.

• What can I say. I like a dude who towers over me. Have I dated guys who are 5'9''? Sure. All I'm saying is that taller is simply what I prefer.

If you want to get to know me you should be financially stable. I'm not looking to be your Sugar Mama.

• Yeah sorry gentleman. I'm accustomed to a certain lifestyle. I'm not saying that you have to finance that lifestyle but a girl has certain expectations and if a "night out" for you consists of burgers at the drive thru then this here just isn't going to work out.

You should have your own car,

• Yeah because I want to be toting your ass around. I'm sorry but if you're in your late 20's, early 30's and you still depend on the T please bypass my profile.

And not live with your parents.

• For obvious reasons. I understand that this may be a necessity for some men who are in grad school or whatever, and I respect that. But I don't know you yet. It is not my job to support you while you find yourself. If we run across eachother three years from now and I'm single and you're single and living in an apartment all by yourself, then we can get a coffee.

Oh and if you live with roommates, at least have your own room.

• Believe it or not I actually went to dinner with this one kid who lived in a three bedroom and shared a room. I mean.....

I like being outside as much as the next person but I don't camp. So that can be your thing.

• I am just being honest. I don't want to mislead anyone. I'm simply not the camping type. But I have no problem if the guy that I'm dating is. Just don't expect me to go with you.

I tend to sometimes take myself too seriously, so I need someone who can reel me in.

• It's true. I can be kind of scatter brained so a guy who is on the chill-er side who can make fun of me (in a cute way) is something I look for.

So that is my criteria. I updated my profile with this a few days ago and as it stands I have zero winks or emails. And this past Sunday I spent my afternoon making three different kinds of bean soup.

Update on the Online Dating

I've been doing the online dating thing now for about four months. Gotta say I've met some nice guys and I've met some clowns. Some guys were worth it, some were a waste of time. You all have heard the story about the guy who didn't think I was funny. That was a riot if I do say so myself.

I met this one guy a few weeks ago. We talked on the phone for a while and during one of our conversations I thought to myself, "Wow, he really likes to talk about himself." Which is fine. better than having a guy who just sits there and waits for you to tap dance. So at one point he was saying how he works out a lot. "Yeah I hit the gym like 4-5 times a week. I eat really healthy too. I mean...I'm a good looking guy. I'm a really good looking guy."

And modest.

So we decided to meet. He was a little beefier in person than I had expected which is fine. I like guys beefy and "mountain man" looking. (I realize that I am not at all perfect. I will just say this: I have to go to the salon for my hair every four weeks and it's not to get it cut). But come on. Don't sit there and tell me you're in stellar shape and that you're this and that while your man-boobs are resting on the table and you shove the most fattening item on the menu into your mouth.  During the entire dinner he asked me one question and it was in relation to fishing. And not a question like, "Oh do you fish?" But a technical fishing question, like about the reel or whatever. I was carrying a purse that, at full retail price, was as much as my rent in Allston back in 2002. What about me exactly, screamed fishing?

How could Dr. Phil have gotten that one so wrong???

I have had some non-computer male contact though. Last weekend I was out at a bar getting drinks and dinner with some of my friends. The five of us were chatting away when two guys and a girl sat down at the table next to us. I glanced over and the guy who was sitting on the same side as me was like, beyond hot. Kind of scruffy, (McScruffy) rocking the whole t-shirt with the leather wrist cuff and tattoo on his forearm. I was falling all over my sweet potato fries. But I played it cool.

The guy and girl on the opposite side of the table from McScruffy were obviously together. They were snuggling and talking in French. The other guy didn't speak English and the girl was translating. McScruffy, while adorable looked kind of awkward.

After a few back and forth glances and whispers around our table saying how hot he was, my friend leaned over to the non-English speaking guy and asked what their dessert was. NE guy shrugged and motioned for the girl to answer. I glanced over at McScruffy and he was looking at me. He smiled and asked, "Do you want to try some?"

Could you even imagine??? How horrifying would that have been if I was like "OK!" and reached over with my fork to take a huge bite out of it. AHAHAHAHAH!!!

I showed my pearly whites and said, "No thank you. But what is it??"

"Um..I think it's a deep fried Snickers bar."

"Oh. Well then, not much skill involved.."

(smile) "No, none at all. You just take the Snickers, wrap it in bread and throw it in the fryalator."

Still showing my pearly whites I pondered my next move. I mean, where exactly to you segue from there?

• "I like fried food too! I know a place that makes great french fries, want to grab dinner with me???? Oh and Hi! I'm Lisa."

Not so much.

I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day. She has become very interested in my online dating. Ever since "The Guy Who Didn't Think I Was Funny" she wants constant updates.

"So Lee-SAH, what's happening with your Match.com?"

"Oh you know. Still talking to a few guys."

"Who have you gone on dates with recently??"

"Well there was the one guy with the fishing-"

"Anyone else?"

"Um. No."

"What about e-Hah-mony???" (She means e-Harmony but with the Boston accent and all...)

"Well, mom, I'm kind of trying to manage one right now.."

"I'll pay for it!"

"Mom!"

"What!? Just go on the site and see how much it is."

"Mom, it's not like I'm desperate!

"Oh honey I know. But just to see..."

"Mom, honestly.."

"Just look. Ok?"

"Fine." I just had to give in.

"And you know it's OK if you don't find someone. You'll always have LK."

Right. LK is my best (female) friend who I work with and am like surgically attached to at the hip. Not entirely the person I see spending the rest of my life with.

So yeah. That's all I got for now. Stay tuned!

Crazy. Brutal. Nuts. Wacky. Quick. Witty. Screwball. Pain in the ass...

I have been called many things. I have never been called NOT funny.

I've been wanting to tell this story for a while but I wasn't sure if the person read my blog and while I am brutally honest, I'm not one to make people feel like assholey clowns on purpose.....most of the time anyway.

So it was my first foray into online dating. I had seen this guy on Match thought he was good looking so I shot him an email. Or maybe I winked. I'm not sure. Anyway so we started talking. Man of few words, but I figured it would be OK since I'm just so chatty. You know maybe we'd balance each other out. The whole opposites attract thing.

On our first date we went to a very over priced sushi restaurant in Brookline. He did not make a reservation and it was a Saturday night (my first indication that this kid and I would not mesh. I mean doesn't he know that I HATE waiting???)

The place was jamming and really loud. The food was good. I mean, I prefer Jae's over this place any time of day but whatever, it was his date. The conversation went smoothly. I mean, like I said the place was loud and I could barely hear him so I just assume that the conversation went smoothly. For all I know he could have been asking me if I like golden showers to which my response was a nod, a smile and a "yes!" Meh....too late now.

We decided to hang out again. I recommended going for tapas at Tapeo on Newbury. Quiet, good atmosphere and DE-lish food. Maybe finally I would get the chance to hear this kid talk.

As we were sitting there eating the rabbit and cold asparagus (yummy!) and other such lovely num-nums the topic of drugs came up. He asked me if I do or did any. Ok, well kind of a random question for a second date, but I'll bite. I told him that back when I was a bonny lass, I used to dabble in the weed. I don't do it anymore, but I don't care if people smoke it around me, blah blah blah. I then proceeded to tell him a story about how I was hanging out with my friend BDiddy. BDiddy is tall and smokes the weed. In fact he was smoking the weed while he and I were hanging out that night. As I was driving home I realized that I had a drug test tomorrow for this crappy job I was applying for and I freaked out because I thought that BDiddy's weed would show up in my system and I would not get the crappy job that I so desperately needed. So I stopped at Roche Brother's and purchased four gallon bottles of water and chugged them all that night.

I mean, can't you just picture me telling this story? All animated with my arms flailing wildly, Italian style? Funny right?

As I concluded my story I looked up at the guy. He was leaning back in his char with a quasi smile on his face just staring at me. Naturally he's staring at me because he thinks I am so luminous and can't believe he is on a date with someone so amazing.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I ask.

He shifted his weight and then leaned forward slightly. I leaned forward too. "Well," he replied, "You may notice that I'm sitting here smiling. And the reason why I'm smiling, is because I don't think what you're saying is all that funny."

Chirp. Chirp.

Tumbleweeds.

I just stared at this guy and then busted out laughing. I laughed so loud people from across the street came in to see what all the commotion was about. When I was done, I leaned forward, put my hand on his arm and said, "Well....I THINK I'M HILARIOUS!!!"

Still smiling.

"Wow," I said, "You're kind of bruising my ego here. I mean all of my friends just usually laugh at whatever I say." (This was meant to be sarcastic.)

He regarded me with a confused look on his face like I was speaking Swahili and then finally spoke in a low whisper, "What exactly am I supposed to be laughing at?"

Uuuuh.....

Needless to say he never heard from ME again.

Smart Girls Need Not Apply...

Well this is mind blowing. It's a well known fact that I'm online dating. Now you make a profile with your likes, dislikes, turn-ons, turn-offs for a reason. The thing about online dating is that you have the opportunity to just put it all out there. Lay out the facts. And if people are smart then they'll be thorough and do their homework (i.e. read a profile).

For example, I do not like long hair on guys and I prefer a guy who is meaty and big and can fix stuff. So when a guy who is 5'3'' and "slender" with long hair hollers at me, chances are I'm not going to make a move. And yeah he could be the nicest, wittiest guy on the planet but the fact remains that he couldn't even get it together to read about what I'm looking for, so how is this going to pan out in real life? The beauty of online dating is that you don't have all of that awkwardness of meeting face to face. You can ignore the person and not hurt their feelings.

You get one chance people. Make it count.

But I digress.

I'm noticing more and more that the number one trait guys have on their dislikes......brainiacs.

Um....Is this like a thing? Do guys really want stupid girls? If that's what guys are aiming for then why spend the money for online dating? Just to to the Foxy Lady and pick up a girl there. Or hit up a mall on a Friday night and troll the food court. I mean do guys really want a girl who is just going to "yes" them to death and not challenge them? I mean I'm not saying they need to date a Rhodes Scholar but like come on....at least someone who scored over 200 on her SAT's.

What the hell is that?! Brainiacs are a turn-off??? What is the world coming to? And here I thought I was being shallow only wanting to date giants!