Your Girlfriend is Ugly

I mean seriously.....

I'm not going to sugar coat this folks. I'm going to get right down to it.

Why hasn't modern medicine invented a more easier, user friendly way to examine a woman's "who-ha"?

I was at the doctor last week, getting my yearly physical. As if that isn't horrifying enough. Get on the scale (pass out) squish around on your stomach (ouch) check your blood pressure (that cuff feels like it's going to take my arm right off). And after all of that my doctor looks at me and chirps "Ok. We're going to do your GYN today right?"

My doctor is mad cool. She's young and hip and I feel like I could be friends with her. But I wasn't in the mood to get into the stirrups that day. So I made a faux crestfallen face and said, "Oh..uh. I can't today. I have my period."

My doctor looked all put out.

I'm sorry, but it was a Monday and I wasn't trying to start off my week with that. I mean seriously. The "device" doctors use to get all up in there (I call it The Duck) looks like a variation of a torture device from the 1300's. I wanted to put it off as long as possible.

So I rescheduled for the 7th in the middle of the day; the only day she had available. Well then I realized this morning that I am going to be on Nantucket until the 7th so I had to call and reschedule.

"Good morning, Health Care Associates. This is Chad."

Great. A dude to reschedule my woman exam.

"Hi. I have an appointment with Doctor Beach on the 7th that I need to reschedule."

"Ok. Just give me your social security number."

"blah blah blah-blah blah-blah blah blah blah"

"Ok. Well Doctor Beach as an appointment at the same time on the 15th."

I looked at my calendar. Oh god.

"Umm...well I guess I can take that. But..."

"Yes...?"

"But,I'llhavemyperiodandthisisaGYNappointment..." I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to tell Chad all of that information in one long run on sentence. I could have simply stated that I had another engagement. Not that I was expecting a visitor.

"Uhh..well Ok. You can just cancel it. But I'd take it for now." It is safe to say that Chad, was horrified.

"OK THANKS!!!"

I nearly passed out...

Did anyone else out there have a near heart attack/shortness of breath/blurred vision/vertigo experience because you thought your Myspace page was deleted? Did anyone else out there want to cause bodily harm to Tom when you thought you'd have to retype your entire "MUSIC" column again?

I know I'm not the only one. I know for a fact that J. Sutt's friend Brian was losing it because he thought his page was no more. And I emailed Larry frantically because it said her member ID was invalid due to her account being canceled or page being deleted. Then I go to update my movie section and it tells me that I too, have been erased.

Thank God it was a mere glitch. I am now back to being up to my normal Myspace tricks.

If only I could muster up this type of concern for my actual real life job functions.

Oh and if you want to check out my MS page, click here!!!

FREE BOOB SHOT!!!!!

If you're hard up to see some boobies you can order some Pay-per View. Or you can just pick up the latest copy of Babytalk.

I meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean a-WHAT?!

My favorite news source on the Internet, CNN.com has reported that this cover shot is creating quite the amount of controversy among women.

There is one woman who says that she doesn't want her 13-year old son to see the cover because, "A breast is still sexual." I mean...he's going to see it sooner or later! Might as well have his first glimpse be from a parenting magazine than from an issue of Playboy.

My own views of breast feeding are basically, do it if you want to. I just don't want to see it. When I used to work in retail there was a woman who came in with her stroller, did a lap around the store, then plopped herself on a bench and whipped out her boob to feed her baby. Jackie was telling a story at lunch the other day about how she was in traffic and she saw a woman in the back seat of a car dangling her boob over her infant. Legit dangling it.

The only thing that irks me about this article is this quote:

"Another mother, Kelly Wheatley, wrote Babytalk to applaud the cover, precisely because, she said, it helps educate people that breasts are more than sex objects. And yet Wheatley, 40, who's still nursing her 3-year-old daughter, rarely breast-feeds in public, partly because it's more comfortable in the car, and partly because her husband is uncomfortable with other men seeing her breast."

Um yeah....why don't we cut the shit and tell the truth here Kelly. You also don't breast feed in public because YOUR KID IS 3 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!  Are you that hard up that you can't buy your daughter milk at the local supermarket? Does anyone else feel that this borders on slight parental inappropriateness???

In any case, click here to read the full article.

Insert JAWS theme here...

Oh hooray!!! The television event that I look forward to every summer begins this Sunday at 9p.m.

That's right! Shark Week  on the Discovery Channel starts the 30th!!

I love Shark Week. I'm not sure why. It was always something that my dad and I would watch together. I always found it funny that it would air during the summer. You know, right when everyone is going to the beach and completely paranoid that a rogue shark is going to meander up to them in the shallow water.

There is always one segment about how a surfer in Australia got brutally attacked by a shark and now he has to like breath out of his left ear. The interviewer always asks the question, "Will you ever go in the water again?" to which the surfer replies, "Oh crikey yes! I know that shahk took my arm. But I love the water and man, was she a beauty when she came swimming up to me!"

In any case, I'm p-u-m-p-e-d about it. Stay tuned for my Shark Week critiques!

If you want to get more information about it click the sharky-kins below to view the schedule. :):)

Happy Swimming!

If it looks dubious, don't stick your face in it.

This is just some morning humor for everyone.

I was in the back waiting while my Honey Wheat English Muffin toasted. LK was back there talking to some coworkers. She came over to chat it up with me. We were talking and she goes, "EW! What is that?!"

I followed her gaze and saw that she was referring to the blender. A lot of the people who work in the back blend up all sorts of concoctions throughout the day. Today there was a mysterious goop inside that looked like a mix between cat vomit and foi grois.

LK walked over to the blender, whipped the cover off and shoved her nose in it. Immediately she recoiled back in sheer horror.

"OH MY GOD! EWASLJFD;LAJSDF;LASHDFAHSFJ!!!!!!!! IT'S BANANAS!!!! DON'T STICK YOUR FACE IN IT!!"

Let this be a lesson to you LK: 1.) if it has anything to do with the Fresh cafeteria, consider it hazardous materials and 2.) don't go sticking your face into random blenders.

SMOOCHES AND BUTTONS TO YOU!!!!

At first you think he may do himself in...

A co-worker of mine forwarded me this number. One of his friends called it by accident.

617.527.5196

Dial the number and listen to the message. So far when I've called no one has picked up. Um...if someone does answer, I'd just hang up. But that's just me.

It's nothing pornographic or dirty or anything like that. It's just really funny and totally unexpected.

It gave me a good belly laugh!!

Just call me Jayson Blair.

Ok so I'm new to this whole "professional" blogging thing. When I hear something funny, I usually just go with it. I didn't realize that I would need to be doing research on all of these silly stories.

Well...come to find out, I need to be checking my references. Back on July 17th, I posted a blog about how my friend Mak overheard two girls on the Silver Line telling a story of a girl who stuffed her dead dog into a suitcase. Click Here to read the blog.

Yes well apparently, I've been hoodwinked. As I stated yesterday in my blog entitled If you have to google it she probably is, I noted how many people read my site by googling things that are mentioned in YGIU.com. So today, like every other day, I checked my stats and there were some google references. I clicked on them and I see that someone had googled "Dead dog, suitcase, subway".

I scrolled down to see what other sites had come up and the page was littered with "URBAN LEGEND: GIRL BRINGS DEAD DOG IN SUITCASE ON SUBWAY!"

Yes folks. We've all been had. We all thought that this story happened in Boston. But it's just one big urban myth. I mean it's a damn funny urban myth, but still, who knows if it's true.

I wanted to set the record straight. Click here to read the urban legend.

Promiscuous Barf.

Anyone else out there sick of hearing Nelly Furtado's song Promiscuous on the radio? Anyone? I know you're out there. Raise your hand.

See here's the thing. I was into it like 3 months ago before Clear Channel and all of their little radio stations got their paws on it. Totally dug that beat. It was on it's way to being the sure fire hit of the summer. And then it became the sure fire hit of the summer and it hasn't left the air waves since.

Now when it comes on I cringe inwardly. No doubt, Nelly is like totally smoking after having a kid. But come on folks. Everyone is like freaking out that she looks soooo amazing. HELL! SHE HAD TWO YEARS TO WORK ON HER BODY! Not like she was really doing anything since her second album. Which like totally tanked p.s.. (And yes, J. Sutt, I know you hearted that album hard:):)

Well in any case, since Promiscuous and it's killer beat are all over me like flies on shit this summer, I thought I'd break the lyrics down for you. Yeah that's right. Imma get right down the the nitty gritty of Nelly Furtado and Timbaland's lyrics and try to figure out what they're talking 'bout.

We begin with the intro:

Nelly: Do I turn you off?
Timbaland: Nope
N: Didn't think so?

Why is she asking him this? You could grate cheese on her abs. Her initial question posed to Timbaland makes it look like she is one of those needy girls who needs a guy to tell her how hot she is so she'll feel better about herself. This instantly turns me off to her.

Verse 1:

T: How you doin' young lady
That feelin' that you givin' really drivin' me crazy
You don't have ta play about the joke
I was at a loss for words first time that we spoke

What feeling is she giving off? A burning sensation? Pulling? Pushing? I'm curious.
And what joke doesn't she have to play about? Is this some little inside giggle that they're having together? I want in damnit!

N: If you looking for a girl that'll treat you right
If you lookin' for her in the day time with the light

Actually no. I think Timba's looking for a girl that's going to beat him over the head with a stiletto and then take all of his money...

T: You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

Is he involved in a game of poker to get Nelly to hop in the sack with him? Damn! She is promiscuous!!!

N: You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

Um. Yeah kinda. Of course he expects you to just let him hit it. The name of the song isn't, "Please show me a diamond and a busting at the seams 401K before we have sex." It's called promiscuous. Unless I'm missing something here, I think that means you should be lowering your London Bridge.

T: All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What's the problem I don't see no ring on your hand

Fair enough. He wants to show her what he's made of. At least give the dude a chance Nelly. And he's right. You don't have a ring on. I'm assuming he means wedding ring. But does he know you have a kid? Are you ready for that kind of commitment Timbaland??

T: I be the first to admit it, I'm curious about you, you seem so innocent

She seems innocent? She's doing a duet with you about hitting it. Not exactly a Catholic school girl.

N: You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I'm tired of running, let's walk for a minute

Oh. Now she wants to settle down and take it slow. "I'm really tired of the run around with all of these guys. You look like someone I could have a future with. Let's just take things one step at a time."  But don't get too lost in my world.

Chorus:
T: Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I'm all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I'm all yours
What you waiting for?

The chorus is kind of reminiscent of the song "Somewhere Out There", that Fievel sings in An American Tale:

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Except, Fievel's song is more about missing his family and wishing they could be reunited. Not about having a super hard on and wanting a hot chick to come into his bed with him because he's lonely. Although, you never know. I hear those mice are freakaaaay!!!

T: Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?

Here we have established that Nelly is a big tease, well because Timbaland say's so. Also, the previous lyrics you can see that it's Timbaland who has been like "Come on Nelly. Let's do this." Then Nelly busts out with, "We're on a roll. Are you ready?" It's almost like she's saying, "Um..helloooooo! I'm waaaaaaiting!!!" 

Verse 2:

N: Roses are red
Some diamonds are blue
Chivalry is dead but you're still kinda cute

What diamonds are blue? I hope only the really expensive kind. And let me tell you something. I don't care if chivalry is dead and how cute a guy is. He better be opening doors for me, putting his coat over a puddle for me and picking up the tab for a while. Or at least until we're engaged.

T: Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
Where you at, do you mind if I come through

N: I'm out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it:

Well Timbaland. Good luck finding her. She's out of this world! Not of the Earth. I mean it's your choice, but traveling to another planet for some Nelly Furtado ass seems like such a chore. I'm sure you can get Missy or Tweet to tug it for you.

T: They call me Thomas
Last name Crown
Recognize game
I'm a lay mine's down

The Tomas Crown Affair is one of my FAAAAAAAAAVORITE movies!!!! Not sure why it's in here though.....?

N: I'm a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I'ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don't talk for my health

Is Nelly talking about *gasp* touching herself here? She can do it herself, but if she gets lonely she's going to call on Timba. Um...not for nothing dear, but I think when given the choice most women would like a man (or in certain cases another woman) over any sort of battery operated device. I mean right?

T: I want you on my team

N: So does everybody else.

What team? Is she really good at like softball? Does she have a really good average from the 3-point line?? Should I be placing bets on her for golf tourneys???

T: Baby we can keep it on the low
Let your guard down ain't nobody gotta know
If you with it girl I know a place we can go

I'm not sure how "on the low" this would be considering it's like all over the air waves.

N: What kind of girl do you take me for?

Um....A PROMISCUOUS GIRL....?

Chorus

*See above comments re: thoughts on chorus*

T: Don't be mad, don't get mean

N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Mad and mean about what? Wait are we fighting now? Will there be nun-chucks???!!

T: Hey! Don't be mad. Don't get mean

N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Hey?! I'm still not sure what we're fighting about? Did I do something???

T: Wait! I don't mean no harm
I can see you with my t-shirt on

Did Timbaland try to slip it in with out her permission? So not cool Timba!

N: I can see you with nothing on.
Feeling on me before you bring that on.

And she wonders why he's like all about taking her to a place that he knows....*sheesh!!*

T: Bring that on?

N: You know what I mean

Could you elaborate. I'm not quite sure. Bring it on like in the movie? Are we doing mid-air splits and pyramids? What's happening here?

T: Girl I'm a freak you shouldn't say those things

At least he's honest.

N: I'm only trying to get inside of your brain
To see if you can work me the way you say

But I thought she wanted to take it slow? I thought you wanted to walk for a minute Nelly?

T: It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you gon' like

Oh Oh! What is it?! Is it the new Fendi Spy Bag??!!

N: Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash
Is your game M.V.P like Steve Nash

Um. Now she's up on her NBA players? I thought she was Canadian?

Chorus:

T: Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I'm all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
I'm calling your name
But you're driving me crazy
The way you're making me wait

Since when is he making you wait? He's basically like tapped you on the shoulder with it.

T: Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
We're one in the same
So we don't gotta play games no more

Who's teasing who? I'm confused.

Good song while it lasted but I think it's time to retire it and bring on the next single from her album. Unless all of the other songs suck. God help me. If that's the case we're listening to Promiscuous for the rest of our lives!!

If you have to google it she probably is.

I have learned by being a Blogging Ninja and using Typepad, that you can look at how people are viewing your site.

For example, there is a tab called "Stats" and when you click it, it tells you if people look at your site by typing www.yourgirlfriendisugly.com, or if they clicked on it because it was linked to a friends page, or if they searched for something and that something was referenced in my blog. It's very cool. And I get to be a quasi-stalker :)

So today, like every other day, I checked my stats. I get a lot of people calling my site from going to www.google.com. Like they'll google, say, "Coffee" or "Gaucho Pants" or "Howie Dourough Naked." These are all things that are referenced in my site, so it pops up. Today I clicked on the particular google site and this is what someone had typed into the google bar:

"How do you know if your girlfriend is ugly"

Now I am no one to judge. I truly believe that we all have inner beauty. But my guess is that if this guy or girl needs to be googling to find out if his or her girlfriend is ugly, then she must be pretty bogus.

But then again, how bogus could she be? If people are saying she is so ugly then what does that say about the person who is googling? Is that person ugly? If the girlfriend is soooo heinous then why is the googling person with her? She can't be that much of a hobbit if you're dating her.

Makes you wonder about people sometimes doesn't it?

Your Girlfriend Is Ugly.com's SECOND celebrity sighting!!! (well...sorta...)

*Phew!!* Let me tell you! I could get used to this. Hob-knobbing with known celebrities and all. Well, let me back up a bit. I wasn't really "hob-knobbing" per se, more like spy-knobbing...??

Let me go back to the beginning.

As many of my loyal readers know, back on June 15th, Shana, LK and I did a few drive-by's in Southie when Ben Affleck's movie, Gone Baby Gone was filming at Murphy's Law. Click here to read the first celebrity sighting. It was such a rush. We were tooling around L Street and East First in the Rollerskate. But you can read about it. :):)

Anyway. So J. Sutt calls me up one day last week and tells me that her friend Mike, who is a location scout for Boston, invited her on the set. Mike told Jess that she was welcome to come and bring whatever friends she could muster up. Obviously she mustered up me, Jackie and Shannie. Like we'd miss this!

We had a set plan: to meet by the elevators at 12:45pm. Walk to my car. Drive to Murphy's Law and meet Mike where he had secured a parking spot for us. I told Jess to tell him to look for a Jetta with a missing medallion.

We were driving down the street when a very tall guy comes out to the street and Jess goes, "That's him." He looked at the car and then glanced at the missing VW medallion. Immediately a look of recognition came onto his face. I tell you. It sucks having a boot leg car but I'm hard to miss!

So Mike took us around:

Here is Shana, Jess and Mike (the tall guy in the hat) tooling around a parking lot. Doesn't sound too too exciting. BUT! to your left is Casey Affleck's Infiniti SUV.

And here is the front view of his car. (I am such a dork. I know...eehehe..)

We then meandered to the set where they were filming. We caught a glimpse of the female lead! Michelle Monaghan. A nice Irish girl. Check out the picture below that Shana totally snapped!

Could her arms be any more jacked?!

Now it has to be said that I am currently embarrassed. For whatever reason, I had it on good authority that this girls name was Michelle Williams and that she was the sister of Kimberly Williams...the lead in Father of the Bride. I'm not sure if Mike the Location Scout is going to read this but if you do, please note my chagrin. I'm sure that you know more about the movies you're working on than a girl who sources tubes. My bust.

Moving on!

So at this time we're like ON the set. Everyone is set up at this auto body shop on L Street called Rachael's Autobody shop (or motor parts...shit I forget. I'm a bad blogger. *BAD!*)

We tooled around. Mike let us watch the video screens while they shot.

Oh. Just your every day run of the mill film shoot. On those screens there is a scene they are filming with a character named "Bubba". (I think that's Casey Affleck on the screen but we couldn't tell.) And I actually saw Bubba in real life. He was chilling in the parking lot and I didn't realize that it was actually him. I busted out with, "Oh. Is that Bubba???" The person I thought was Bubba then looked up from his SideKick 3, or whatever he was using, and just stared at me. Come to find out, you guessed it, it was Bubba.

Just another shot of the filming taking place on the screen. The gentleman to the left is Alan Ladd, Jr. (At least I'm pretty sure it is. A guy came over and goes "Hello Mr.Ladd" and the guy on the left looked up. Also there is a chair in that area that was labeled "Alan Ladd, JR." So he's there somewhere!) He's the producer. He also worked on Braveheart and The Man in the Iron Mask. Apparently he's a Hollywood Mucky-Muck. He kind of just sat there chain smoking, reading the NY Times and shellacking his ear to a headset whenever the 7th in line Director (Mike told us the name but I forget what her title is) yelled, "Quiet! Sound UP!!"

Casey Affleck's chair on the right. Alan Ladd Jr's chair on the left. :):):) Along with some shots of the Porto-Potties.

So then Mike took us down an around the set to another bar where they will be filming.

Apparently, the name of the bar in the movie will be the Bootleg Bar. But the actual name is the something "Tavern". I think he said "Samantha Tavern". I'll get the real name and get back to you. Cute inside though! I love finding out all of these little places in Southie to go!

So that was our day on the set. It was hot and sweaty but super fun. I think I kind of have to get into film. The place was crawling with super hot dudes. Like, it would be a good place to just go and observe all of the hotties at work.

We decided to reward ourselves with a little frosty Slurpee action at my local 7-Eleven.

YUM! A frothy treat to cool us off!!

Mad props to the 7-Eleven counter guy who was nice enough to take our hot (literally) photo :)

This gentleman here was just a random guy we bumped into while getting our Slurpee's. I told him that we were doing this for my website. He asked what it was called and I said, "Yourgirlfriendisugly.com." and he replied, "HA! That's funny! You all are definitely not ugly though!!!"

Thanks guy!

Well I never thought I'd get a first celebrity sighting. Two was just dumb luck! Shall I dare wish for a third?! Stay tuuuuuned!! :):):)