Dust off your cat walking shoes everyone. America's Next Top Model is back for another cycle of bad weaves, strappy sandals and bony collar bones! And I for one am oscillating in place with excitement.
And you betcha that the Fresh design office is indulging in some inner office betting. No one really knows how the betting system is going to happen, but our boss has it all under control and understands it perfectly so I'm just throwing my 5 bucks in and hoping that either the exotic dancer from New Jersey or the leggy beauty from Texas takes it all.
This season Tyra is really calling on her moral compass. First the girls learned that the usual vehicle that shuffles them all around to their shoots will not be the usual stretch, gas-guzzling hummer, but rather a bio-friendly Van. (Mr. J told the girls that this season Tyra is really focusing on the environment. Really? Really Tyra? All of a sudden? What did you run into Al Gore in the bathroom at Spago and get inspired?) The van is like one of those vans that picks you up at the Court Yard Marriott and takes you to Logan Airport. The bio-van drove them straight to their new digs which is a "Green House", a bio-friendly abode smack dab in the middle of smoggy LA. I'm not entirely sure if the house actually runs on solar power or if the plates are made out of such sustainable materials as PLA. My personal opinion is that the "green" aspect of it all refers to the green rugs or to the fact that Tyra posted signs (made out of post-consumer materials??? I'd like to know) around the house telling the girls to "take only 10 minute showers" or "turn the water off while brushing your teeth". Clearly these "models" never lived with Donna Gradie. Eleven minutes in the shower and she was banging down that door with her vacuum cleaner.
The first photo shoot had the girls showing the effects of smoking. One shot was the girl smoking a cigarette looking all glamorous and sex-kittenish. The second shot was girl demonstrating a side effect of smoking. Such aaaaaaaas.....hair loss from chemotherapy, or oozing face tumors or severe gingivitis or still born babies.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love me an oozing face tumor topped off with clumps of chemoed out hair any day of the week, but this was just a bit much. Tyra went on and on and on about how smoking is glamorized in the modeling industry and that these girls need to be aware of it when they make it big.
Um....make it big? I think the closest any of these girls on ANTM are going to the cover of Vogue is at the check out counter of CVS. Honestly! Where's Eva Pigford? Where's Jaslene? Caridee?
So as part of her moral smack down, Tyra made the girl's "Green House" a smoke-free house. "Young girls who watch this show and are now fans of you girls *cough* bullshit *cough* see you girls smoking and think that it's OK. It's not. So starting tomorrow there will be no smoking. So get your last puffs in now."
Think what you will about smoking, but I'm reaching back to my old school roots and quoting Jodi Foster, "Where are the parents?" Before Tyra climbed up on her high horse, she may have wanted to look at the show that follows her; Gossip Girl (aka: MYNEWVERYFAVORITESHOW!!!!!) has teens that swill martinis, swing at each other, have sex on posh hotel bars and smoke weed. Yeah. ANTM is really going to stop the teen smoking epidemic.
Oh and then there's the girl with Asperger's Syndrome. Heather is a nice quiet girl. I personally don't think she's all that pretty but a lot of people do. Because to her condition she's socially awkward and surprise surprise people talk shit about her! How about Sarah who was like "I just like, don't want to talk to her because I think she'll cling on to me. People like that cling."
How about instead of lecturing the girls on not smoking, Tyra, maybe break down Asperger's for the other girls in the house. I mean, since you're so intent on preaching them into the ground.
I'm just sayin'.
So now onto the "models".
Click here for the gallery. My favorites are Chantal, Lisa (holler)and Victoria. One's a leggy Texan, one's an exotic dancer, but it kinda sorta doesn't count because she keeps her top on and only strips in a bikini. So it's like not the same as a stripper but it kind of is. I mean right? You get what I'm saying boo? And Victoria is a brainiac who's not just a pretty face. She's edumakated at Yale.
Bianca and my girl Lisa had a straight out cat fight. Bianca, who's 18 and from the Bronx and is a cross between Brandy and Alicia Keys, seems to think that she has the modeling industry all figured out. I think she's actually hiding the answer under her HEINOUS mauve weave. Anyway so for whatever reason she hates Lisa and said to her that there "ain't no way America's Next Top Model is going to be a strippah so give up now. Go home!"
But then later, in the hot tub, Lisa was the bigger "model" and told Bianca that she didn't want to go into panel with any beef so were she and Bianca cool. Then hugged it out and then did some intricate handshake.
But wait. There's more.
Bianca then said that she's "very strategic and only apologized to Lisa because she had to. She didn't want anything to come back to her that she was starting stuff."
Now, I find a few loop holes in this logic. 1.) all of the "models" heard Bianca cussing Lisa out and 2.) NO ONE LIKES BIANCA.
There's one in every crowd.
The episode panned out as usual, with a random trip to Old Navy (wtf?!) and then Mila from Boston (quite possibly the most annoying human on the planet) got booted. She deserved it too. Those stupid wooden shoes she wore? Gross.
Stay tuned for more updates and to see how ANTM will save the planet! GO GREEN!