Coming at you in real time. HOLLAAAAAA!!! Here are my comments about the red carpet:
- Rihanna. Looks. Gorgo. But what's up with the skunk hairs? I'm.....confuuuuuused...
- What do you think Sway is hiding under his hat? A change of clothes for later?
- John Norris is still alive?
- Wh-why is there a dude with a British accent?
- Nooooooooo Nelly Furtadooooooooooooo why with the blonde hairs?! You look like a cracked out Canadian vampirrrraaaaaaa-h. Very upsetting.
- Chris Brown. Hot. 'Lil Mama. What the Christ are you wearing? She looks like 'Lil Miss Ghetto Moffat.
- Paris Hilton and her grandma hairs? Oh dear.
- Dave Grohl. DMITB.
- Common is the only man on the planet who can wear sunglasses inside and still look absolutely gorgeous.
- John Bain said Alicia Keys is a big muff-diver? Does that mean I'm a lez because I think she looks hot?
- Nicole Sherflenzlerger's booties? UUUUUGH. I hate booties to begin with but those are fugly. I hate her song now but in about a month it will be my ring tone.
- Guess who everyone was excited to see this evening? BRITNEEEEEEY!!! Even Mary J. wanted a piece of that 'ish.
OOOOH BOY! HERE COMES BRITNEY!!!
- Well. Her body looks banging for having two kids. Loved the sparkley undies. Ca-UTE!
- Blue contacts. Iiiiiiiiiinteresting.
- Anyone else thinks she looks like she's on muscle relaxers? Her song is good. Homegirl needs to be kicking it on that stage. Like pop it and lock it girlfriend. I mean yeah she grabbed that dancers package (hot) but I want to see some booty touching the ceiling. Honestly.
- Final thoughts: she looked good but she was a waste. Her shoes were too high to dance in.
FUCKING HELL! SARA SILVERMAN IS OPENING THE SHOW?! She is SO unfunny. Honestly. She's not funny. Her jokes are to go to after Brit-brit's kids? Hmmm.....cool. Although the crack she made about 50 Cent still being alive was funny. Hardy har har.
Oh here's Alicia Key's again. My big lezzie girlfriend. Wait...Jennifer Hunsen's here? Who's Jennifer Hunsen? Uh wait what? What's happening right now? They keep flashing to a bunch of people performing....uuh...I'm confused. It's like a sober acid trip....This is strange. Um...there's Pete Wentz with a bunny...? Is it always Easter in Vegas??
Ooooooh scrumdiddlyumptiousness. JT just won Quadrouple threat. He's sooooo gonna get laid tonight. Like he needed the award to get laid.
Uuuuuh what's up with the random performances between? You maybe confused by the randomness of this blog but it's only because I'm following the VMA's and I'm confused writing this...gaaaah......THANKSFORTHEMEMORIEEEESSTHANKSFORTHEMESDL;ASDJFLA;SFJD mutton chops....
What is this commercial for the new reality show Pageant Place? Oh I'll totally be checking that out....obvi.
Ooooh whaaaaat? Beyonce??? First of all. Homegirl had a bad seat. She looks awful and dare I say *fat*. Yikes.
Siiiick. Rihanna and Chris Brown performance. Nice burlesque tights. Hot.
OOOOOH WHATTTTTTTTT!!! Chris Brown to Billy Jean with Fitty's vocals in the background?! Awesome performance.
Ok. Commercial break. I would like to know where is J. Lo? Where is X-tina? Where is Gwen Stefani? Where's Amy Winehouse?? (Oh yeah....rehab. Ooops...) But seriously. Where the divas at??
Justin Timberlake won best male artist. Shockah. I mean he was the only guy who could kill off Scarlett Johannsen.
I am NOT trying to see Cee-Lo fight the Foo with his stomach jigging all about. That is one scary sight right there my friends.
Ooooooooooh 50, Justin and Timba singing AYO TECHNOLOGEEEEEEEEEEY!!! Love the Justin Beat Box in the back. This song makes me want to shake my cherry thong to the ceiling.
Shia LeBouf is on stage right now. Apparently he was in the middle of imitating Hitler before he came on stage. WTF with the stash??
Where's FERGIE?!! Probably banging the brains of Josh Duhamal.
Whoah. What is this crazy Timbaland performance? Dude check out Timba's arrrrrrrmzzzz. Damn. Him and fitty must hit the shooting range together. Oooh Linkin Park. I'm strangely attracted to Mike Shinoda.
Oh look. It's Adrien Grenier and an Irish midgit. Oh wait. That's Kevin Connely Why is he videoing himself. We all know he's hot. Does he really need the extra proof?
Hmmm....Pete Wentz and his really perley dentures, I mean whites just won best group. Oh there's the bunny again!
Rihanna. Again. Singing her clever tune Shut Up and Drive. You all know that the song is a metaphor for her body right? You know the lyrics "You look like you can handle what's under my hood."
Hood.
Get it?
Ew.
Alicia Keys with another killer performance. It takes a very brave woman to rock spandex like that. And she reduced that shit to pebbles!! Sorta wish Britney was that good. For her next comeback she should definitely consult A. Keys.
Did you guys know that, according to Mary J. Blige Dr. Dre gave us 50 Cents? I'm not sure if I know who 50 cents is but I understand he's pretty good.
Rihanna won again. The skunk is killing it tonight! *woot*
Ok. Here's the end of the show. Timbaland with Nelly, JT and Young Joc. I'm tired so I'm not going to go into detail. It's Timba and if the performance is anything like Shock Value then it's going to kill.
So. VMAs. Entertaining. Lots of filler courtesy of The Foo and Gym Class Heros and other emo rock bands. I think there were what like four awards given out?
Ok. Now I have to comment on the Timba show. Who's the Kelly girl who sings the hook of the "I ain't got a motor boat but I can float ya boat" song? Nice bowl cut. Timba! You and your aaaaaaaaaarrrrrmz need to holla at me. What's your workout regime? I need to tone up my shit.
Oh good Justin just did a little dance move with his Whitney sweat rag. That clears up that mystery as to why he had a towel in his ass pocket.....clever.
Come on....bring out Britney again.
Come on.......Brit?
No???
Ok that's the end. Good night!