Oh Wednesday night....Wednesday night was fun. Quite the Hump Day night indeed.
The following blog is divided into three parts:
Part 1: Hit and Run...NO FUN!
Part 2: But I'm a parallel parking ninja!
Part 3: Lemme push up ya bumpa!
I give you Part 1: Hit and Run...NO FUN!
I was driving home from Quincy when my berry started to burbble. It was LK.
"Hi Hooker!"
"SOME FUCKING ASSHOLE JUST HIT ME."
"OMG! Are you ok????"
"What the fuck?!"
"Where are you?"
"Fucking FUCK!"
"Want me to come there and get you?"
"Fuck."
"Um...What happened?"
"I'm in my spot riiiight, and I'm getting ready to pull out when this guy just side swipes my car."
"Whaaaaaaaaaaat?"
"He was about A HUNDRED MILLION YEARS OLD!!!"
"Did you get his insurance info?"
"No! He kept going. I honked my horn and got out of my car but he just kept driving. Just kept on driving. Didn't even realize he hit me and he had a huge scratch on the side of his car."
"Holy shit!" (It has to be said that I am a firm believer that once you turn a certain age, you should have to take your driving test over again. But that's neither here nor there. My name isn't on the State House door.)
"This suuuuuuuuucks! Effing cars!!!"
"So what's the damage."
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM my front bumper is like falling off. I'm afraid to drive it."
"Do you want me to come get you?"
"Merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Ugh! I'll call you back."
I proceeded home.I arrived at the apartment and was about to tackle the dishes when LK called again.
"I'm parked on K street. Can you come down here and look at this before I have a nervous breakdown?"
I thought about the extent of my car knowledge: slim to none. But I could lend moral support.
"I'll be right down."
LK was pretty much oscillating on place when I showed up.
"Sooooo come look at this."
I looked at it and her bumper was pretty much on the ground.
"Um. I like think you shouldn't be driving."
"FUCK!"
"I mean LK, what happens if you're tooling down the street and the bumper just falls off? You could get into the biggest accident."
I devised a plan. I would drive her back to her apartment in Brighton, she'd get clothes and hunker down at the 405 K. Then in the morning we'd drive the the auto-body shop I know in Dorchester and get it all taken care of.
There. 'Nuff said.
Part 2: But I'm a parallel parking ninja!
After loading her bags into the new Jetta (we basically did everything but forward her mail to my apartment), we headed back in my pristine wagon to Southie.
I turned from Marine onto K street and went inching down my block hoping for a spot in front of my building. AH-HA! There was one!
"Oh perf! I can so fit here."
"Uuuuh..." LK looked nervous.
"Don't worry," I said all smugly, "I'm a parallel parking ninja."
Now mind you, I just got this car about three weeks ago (BTDubbs: it still needs a name...) and the 2008 Jetta's are longer than the 2004s. So I'm still getting used to it. I backed it in and, save a little Boston bumper love tap given to the SUV behind me, I was pretty good to go. Or so I thought.
A few minutes later I was not so good. I looked over and this really hot guy walking his Weimaraner was right next to my car. The dog was bouncing up and down wanting some serious love.
"HI PUPPY!!!!" I was pretty much in a spot tighter than a crabs asshole and all I could do was think about how cute this guy and his dog were.
The guy spoke up, "Wow. If you get in there...I...I...that's....oh man that's AWESOME!!!"
LK got out and surveyed the situation.
"Um girlfriend you need to get out of there."
"REALLY???"
"Uh yeah. You need to get out."
"But I think I can fit!"
"No girlfriend. You can't. It's not worth it."
"Oooh merrrrrrrr...."
So I shimmied my way out and we found a much larger spot up on Columbia.
I turned to LK as I put the car in park and said, "Is there like, any damage on my car?"
"Ummm..."
I got out and, well, let's just say it's a good thing we were going to the auto-body shop in the morning.
Part 3: Lemme push up ya bumpa!
In the morning LK followed me to Susi's Auto-Body in Dorchester. Have you guys ever been there? It's like a g-damn death trap to get through that intersection with all of the blinking lights! Susi's Auto-body was smart to put their shop there. I'm sure there are about a million accidents a week at that intersection AKA: the cross roads of hell.
Anyway so we meandered our way in. LK told the girl that she was involved in a hit and run and could someone take a look at her bumper.
This incredibly cute guy came sauntering out to assist us. Visualize: about 5'8'' dark hair, work boots, Puma sweatshirt and hands stained black from working on cars. Actually when I write it out it sounds kind of unappetizing but trust me. He was hot.
"So I got in a hit and run last night."
"Yeah see hea where ya bumpa should be? Ya bumpa ripped off, so ya bumpa needs to be pushed back up."
Uh huh...
Mr. Hottie Hot proceeded to go into detail about his next steps. LK and I just stood there pretty much drooling.
"So I mean I can give you a quote for the bumpa to be fixed..."
Oh yeah...
"But if I open ya hood..."
Hot...
"And there's structural damage..."
Fix my damage...
"I mean it could be more..."
Gimme gimme more...
LK came back to reality, "Ok. Basically I need this bumper to last me until March. Because I'm moving and once I move then I don't really care about the car. It can disintegrate into a pile of dust."
I chimed in, "And I have to say my sister has been here a few times to get her car fixed and you guys have done an amazing job."
Hottie Hot looked over all serious and goes, "Oh well thank you. Thank you very much."
LK and I just sort of stood there with our thumbs up our asses and waited.
Finally Hottie Hot spoke, "Ok so do you have twenty minutes? If you have twenty minutes I can just try to push up ya bumpa."
Oh sweetie. You can take all the time you need to push up my bumper.
I looked at LK, "Ok. We'll leave the car and go get coffee." I looked at Hottie Hot, "Do you want a coffee?"
Smoooooth like buttah.
"No, no thank you." *smile*
Hot.
"Um actually can you take a look at my car while you're out here?"
"Sure."
We sidled up to my back bumper. "I, uh, had a little parallel parking incident last night."
"Oh yeah? Well you live in Southie so I can toooootally understand that."
We looked at my bumper with the "scratches."
"So...do you think you can just like buff that out?"
He gave me a price which was not the million dollars I thought it would be and LK and I got ready to go get coffee. But before we drove off I asked her if she got his name.
"Oh, what's your name again?"
Hottie Hot turned to us and goes, "I'm Rob. Rob Susi."
And his name's on the door!!!!!
Coffee in hand we sauntered back in to the waiting area.
LK looked at me and goes, "We have gotten SO MUCH done today!"
"I know right!!!"
We looked over and LK's car was peeling out of the garage. Rob Susi was ready to give us his fair ass-essment.
"Oh hey. You girls ah back. I didn't see yiz come in. So come on ova and I'll show yiz what I did to ya bumpa."
We looked at the front end and it looked pretty much brand new.
"See, right hea you should have like white plastic things. But you were missin' those so I just took a few nuts and bolts and nut and bolted ya bumpa back on."
Please note that he explained this much more elegantly but I don't speak car.
"OMG!" exclaimed LK, "It looks great!"
"So is it OK to drive?" I asked.
"Well I mean if you're just like driving down the street you'll be fine, but if someone hits ya bumpa again it could come off."
Good enough.
"So thanks ladies! Have a good day."
"Wait. How much do I owe you?" LK asked (all the while thinking "please let me pay you in sexual favors, please let me pay you in sexual favors")
"Oh nothin'. You're all set."
"Are you serious?"
"Oh yeah. We do this type of little stuff all the time." (Love it. Little stuff. If my bumpa came off I'd be laid up with a bottle of Xanax. But to him it's little stuff.)
Then Rob Susi gestured towards me, "And your sista came in here so you're all set."
"Wow. Well thank you."
"Ok girls. Have a good one."
You don't get cuter than him. I could've listened to him say BUMPA and All I gotta do is push up ya bumpa all G-damn day.
LK is trying to devise a way to thank him for his pro bono bumpa work. I'm trying to find a way to sabotage her so he'll pro bono my bumpa.