Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Merry Christmas! Joyeux Noël! Feliz Navidad! Natale allegro! Frohe Weihnachten! メリークリスマス!

Well there is only a half hour left in Christmas and I hope that this year, Santa was good to all of you. I hope everyone had a wonderful time sitting around the tree opening gifts and that your glass was full of whatever poison you chose for the event. And to all of my Jewish peeps out there (Challah!) I hope that you enjoyed the Chinese food and whatever movie you saw. Hit me up with a recommendation. Anyone seen Juno yet?

I, for one, am full. I od'ed on Shana's cupcakes (de-effing-LISH) and I would like to say that tomorrow I am going on a "sweets detox" but it's my dad's birthday the day after Christmas and a birthday cake we will have come hell or sugar shock!

I'll be hitting the after Christmas mall specials at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow with Shana at Providence Place. Me and my new bangs are going to find some good deals. Although we all know that I don't need anything, since, ya know, Santa just came.

I was particularly looking forward to this Christmas for the following reasons:

• A visit from Nicky and Eric. The coolest twosome ever to transplant themselves to the Left Coast. I might have a mild coronary from the excitement overload when I see them in a few days. Just sayin'.
• A visit from Zing. As her MOH, Esq., we will be dabbling in the following activities: flower scouting and MOH dress shopping. Even though the 28.6 cupcakes I had are shellacked to my arms I am not going to worry about it because...
• I am on vacation until January 7th. HOLLERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! So I have all the time in the world (or until the 7th) to go to the gym and work out as leisurely as I want to. Starting the 27th though, back to broth and sushi for dinner.

So I truly hope that your Holidaze are going well and that you have a lovely New Years. I'm banking on 2008 being a great year! Thank you for being a fan of Yourgirlfriendisugly.com. I hope that over the course of 2007 I've made you laugh. (What am I talking about. OF COURSE I've made you laugh. I'm hilarious. If you haven't laughed then you have no business going to your computer and punching in YGIU.com to begin with.)

*ahem*

So keep checking YGIU. In the next coming weeks not only will there be blogs chronicling yours truly, but there will also be some exciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiting additions!

Merry Christmas and sweet dreams!!

Xx

'Tis the season to get bombed (This blog is rated D for Drunkface)

Like most people who live in the world I enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. The buffer holidays that live in the shadow of the Big Two, H-ween and New Years, respectively, I can take or leave. But I do love me some turkey on Thanksiving and roast beef to celebrate the cumpleanos de Jesus (pronounced Hay-zeus...natch).

But what I love even more than being immersed in these two magical days is the time lapse between them. It's those 6-ish weeks between when we carve the bird and open up presents with a glass of wine in hand where we get to eat, drink and be fat, dumb and happy in total oblivian.

Hey the guy in red does it

The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is when you can let your hair down. Gifts from vendors pour in, chock full of various Christmas meats, cheeses and spreads. Or if you're like me, one of your vendors gives you a foot trampoline. *shrug*. You go about your day with a slight smile on your face because even though it's a fucking rat race, it is after all "the season" and you don't want to be the Grinch. The weekend comes and you're busy chatting with your friends about what dress you'll wear to so and so's holiday party and if a bottle of red or white is more appropriate.

Yes *sigh* it is a great time of year. And the past few weekends I've had a pretty good go of it. It seems that I have fallen down the rabbit hole and landed in a pool of tap beer.

I don't know what happens! Well, obviously I do know what happens. I'm getting too caught up in the holiday cheer. I plan these nights out with friends and next thing I know I'm waking up the next morning still in my party dress and my fake eye lashes stuck to the mirror above my bed. 

A cople of weekends ago,  Shana, LK and I went to see Gary Gulman at the Comedy Connection. We had a glass of wine each at Cheers while we waited for the show and all of us commented on how Christmasy everything looked. I for one was overcome with the holiday spirit. I fluffed my hair a little bit and made some comment to the girls about how great it was to be together during this time of year. (Truth be told, I live with my sister and LK is pretty much over all the time anyway. It's great to hang out with them, all I'm saying is that we don't need to wait until the holidays roll around in order to grab drinks). We headed to the show and while there we had a couple of beers (Shana had one and a half because she was driving....I'm sure LK and I split the rest of her half) and then LK and I decided to hit up the L Street Tavern after.

You read breifly about what happened that night in my blog entitled My Whereabouts , something about how I called the bartender Cornholio and how we lolled around on the floor because we couldn't get up. Yeah. The next morning LK and I woke up and thought that surely we were roofied due to how hammered we were. Surely we were slipped some sort of mind altering substance. We were fine when we got the L Street. We were fine when hung out at the bar retelling the same story over and over again. Roofies slipped by Santas elves for sure.

So this past Saturday we planned a very grown up night out. Me, LK, Slut and HLP went to this benefit at The Vault. It was a tres chic event and required dressing up and all such cuteness. The bar was all decked out with Christmas decorations and you could feel the holiday cheer in the air. Good cause, good time of year and drinky-poos. The clientele was "so-so" but the Pomegranate Martinis were amazing. Again, I left the bar pleasently buzzed but still able to walk in a straight line.

We, of course, ended up at L Street Tavern in our finest H&M couture for some late night Bud Lites.

Apparetly everyone had come from some sort of holiday party but no one was quite as dressed up as we were. Just ask Paulie, my boyfriend for the night.

As I stood at the bar ordering Bud Lites for me, LK and Slut, a breath of nasty air was hurled at my face. I followed the noxious gas and it's owner was a drunk, ruddy faced, watery eyed 40+ year old hanging on for dear life to his bar stool.

"Ya gorgeous."

"Thanks."

"No. I mean...wow."

*smile. chug*

I looked over to see if this bozo had any sober friends and to my surprise I saw the entire South Boston mob posted up at the bar a few feet behind him. I caught one of the consigliere's eye and he whispered to me, "Paulie here just got out of jail."

"Oh yeah? What for?"

"Armed robbery."

I looked over at Paulie who was staring at me like I was a Rubix cube looking to be figured out. The jailbird thing could be hot. If he was 15 years younger, had muscle tone, wasn't trashed off of tap beer and didn't have skin that looked like an orange peel that had been run over by an 18-wheeler.

I congratulated Paulie on his release and continued to dance with Slut to the tunes we had just picked out. *Blogger's note*: Why is it that when girls get super trashed they do one of three things: 1.) grab eachother boobs, 2.) smack eachother's ass and/or 3.) dance like they are Jennifer Lopez and think it's hot. It's sooo not hot and I'm the first one to admit it when I'm swaying around with my Bud Lite bottle in the air. At one point Paulie came up behind me and started to get into it. He was touching my hair and steading himself by placing a vice grip on my shoulder.

I scuttled to the bathroom. As I washed my hands I took in the Christmas paraphanlia. Such a great time of year. I headed back to the bar where we started to pack up, much to Paulie's dismay.

"But you're gorgeous."

"I know but I have to go."

"Aaaaaw it's Christmas....!"

Ooooh. There ain't enough spiked egg nog on EARTH to make Paulie look good.

Tonight, our boss is having a get together at his apartment for all of us employees and tomorrow is my family Christmas party. Let's see, one party is for work and one party is during the day. Best behavior and copious amounts of water in between dirty martinis are key.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

(P.s. I know this blog has spelling errors in it. The spell check thingy isn't working. Grrr...)

The anatomy of a really really really painfully tragic date.

Oh the disappointment.

So this evening I had a date. We decided to grab drinks at this little bar in the city that has good ambiance, a cool crowd and played the game. Cool girl (me..obv), cool guy (him...or so I thought) and sports. Oh and booze. What else do you need exactly?

We posted up at a table where we could both see the game and I started to talk about sports and how I have a lot of vendors who I work with that are based out of New York, and being a Boston fan they totally call me up and harass me. Just a little fun fact.

Date gestures towards the TV where the Celtics were playing the Pistons and goes, "So being the big sports fan you are, can you tell me which player is on the court tonight after not playing for a while."

"Oh I have no idea. Um..."

"Well I thought you were a HUGE Boston sports fan?"

This was five minutes into the date. And this was not the cute little nudge me on my shoulder being cute kind of comment. This was him ready to throw it down to see who knew more about sports.

"Well. I like the Sox and the Pats. I don't really follow the Celtics."

"Well it's Ray Allen."

"Cool. If I followed the Celtics I'd care."

We hadn't even ordered drinks yet.

The (painful) conversation moved to work. Somehow he found the time to stop talking about himself to ask me how work was going.

"Oh busy. I have this project that I'm working on and I really am having a hard time focusing on it because it's one thing after another."

"Yeah. My work is like that too. I get to the office at like 6:30 and then I work like 16 hour days. I'm just really really busy."

Yeah this was the type of guy who said stuff like this hoping that you'd stroke his ego and ask questions like "Oh so why are you so busy?" and "Wow you work 16 hour days. You must be really important."

Um. I'm busy and important enough. I can barely muster the effort to talk about my own job let alone listen to someone else's bullshit.

Oh and did I mention that he works for a rental car company. He basically rents cars. Which is fine but we're not curing cancer here folks. And let is just be known that in the other department he was no prize. Not like I was having drinks with Tom Brady. This was your average run of the mill Joe. If he wasn't such a DICK he'd be just "that guy" that you date.

Well since the topic was him we started to talk about car rentals and then we somehow got on the topic of SUV's and I mentioned how you don't see that many of them on the road since gas is so much more expensive.

While I was making my very astute point he reached back for his wallet and pulled out, what looked like a credit card. He held it up like the ORBITZ gum girl holds up the pack to say, "Fabulous" and goes, "This right here...(waggle, waggle) yeah...I don't pay for gas. Perk of my job."

He straight up whipped out his free gas card. Who does that?! Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Now, you whip out a black Amex then you've got my attention (and probably my body for the night).

Still on the topic of his work and his life and him, I regaled him with my tale of the first time I rented a car, which happened to be in Minnesota (oooh you betcha!) through Hertz.

"OOOOHGGRRAGAAAAAAAAHNOOOOOOOO....YOU WENT TO HERTZ!? GROOOOOOAAAAAAN GAAAAHMERRRRR...."

I couldn't figure out if he was choking or having a heart attack. Because surely he wasn't flipping out about how I rented a car through Hertz. Because that would be like him telling me how he bought product at Kheil's and me throwing down my napkin in horror because he didn't buy product at Fresh. So surely this groaning was not in response to my Hertz comment.

"Yeah. I got it through Hertz and the experience was pleasant other than the fact that I didn't like the GPS."

"*psha* Yeah. Their GPS that's wired into the car? So you can't even pop it out."

"Um..yeah. But well if you could pop it out wouldn't people like, try to steal it? "

"Yeah at my rental car company we have the one's that pop out."

"Oh so like the Garmin?"

*smug smile, nod*

"Oh I love the Garmin in my car. I think I'd still be lost if I didn't have one."

"Yeah.....I don't *need* GPS."

Always envious of others with a keen sense of direction I said, "Oh that's good. You're lucky to have such a good sense of direction."

"Nah. Just comes with the territory of working for a car rental company. And I'd rather Map Quest it."

Now that I found just stupid.

"Wait. You'd rather use Map Quest, which is like 75% wrong instead of having a device that tells you to turn left, bear right and *boom* you're at your destination?"

"Yeah, I like the challenge."

"Interesting. I'm not a fan of reading while I drive."

There was not enough sangria in the world to get me through this.

Insert lull.

Insert me staring with eyes glazed over at the game.

Insert me checking out the HOTTT STRAIGHT host.

"So...where are all the rings?"

I stopped sucking on the orange rind from my sangria to look over at him. "Huh?"

He gestured towards my right hand, where only my ring finger housed a cute ring I purchased from Mint Juelip, "I just thought you'd be wearing more jewelery."

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

So guess what happened next? We talked more about cars and renting them.

I don't remember how it came up but I said that I'd never been in an accident.

"Really? You've never been in an accident? Not a fender bender? Or someone's car that you dinged and drove away."

"Um. No. Knock on wood I've never been in an accident."

"Well. It's bound to happen."

Mouth agape I said, "That is an awful thing to say and I don't know why you'd even say something like that."

"Well I've been in nine."

"Then apparently you're a really bad driver."

I have to give a shout out to the wait staff at this place though. They could tell I was dying a slow bad date death and God love 'em they would stop by the table to see how we were doing.

Then he made a comment about how I drink a lot.

"Wait what do you mean?"

"Well every time I talk to you you're always coming from drinks or going to get drinks or were at the L Street Tavern."

"Um so. That means I'm social. And I've been to L Street twice."

"Nope. Three times." And he actually held up three fingers.

"Um..."

"I remember three specific times that you've said you were at L Street."

"Ok. What are the times?"

"Oh you want me to recall them right now?"

"What? You don't remember now? Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash my friend." (And no that is not a Lisa Gradie original...unfortunately. But you can use it.)

He picked up the check for the one pitcher of sangria that we had. I glanced up at the game and there were 7 minutes left.

"So are we all set?" I needed to get away from this Bozo.

"Oh yeah." He stayed put.

"So can we go?"

"Oh...*glancing up at game* Ok."

Yeah. Let's move it.

We stood in front of the bar and I told him to drive safely back to Saugus. Now pay attention. I wish I made this up but it's all 110% true.

"Yes...back to Sausage."

"Wait..where?"

"Sausage."

"Ew. Why Sausage?"

"Because it's 95% Italian people."

"Um. I'm Italian."

"I know."

"Sausage huh? Not a meatball?"

"Well there's no connotation with a meatball."

I regarded him before I spoke. I looked him up and down and realized that this is not a person I'd even be friends with. In fact, this is a person I'd probably make fun of and terrorize simply because he's that annoying. I'd been nice, albeit argumentative, up to this point. I'd reached my boiling point. The straw had indeed broken that mother fucking camels back. So I said:

"A sausage. Interesting. So being Jewish do you enjoy when people use the typical Jewish stereotypes with you? Do you welcome that?"

He mumbled some sarcastic answer and I said, "Thanks for the drink. Have a good one."

I turned on my heel and fled. I fled as fast as the ice covered sidewalks could take me back to Susi and back to the people who don't annoy the shit out of me.

The End.

Homeless man: 1, Lisa: 0 (with a strained hammie to boot)

I had a busy night last night. I got myself waxed and then had plans to meet Brennon, author extrordinaire of Look Back In Anger, for drinks. Last week he Gmail chatted me and goes, "I'm single and want to get hammered with you."

Me: "Ok."

It really doesn't take much folks.

So we settled on meeting this past Tuesday since I'd already be in the Newbury area and he works in that general vicinity. We met up at Joe's on Newbury in the bar downstairs. (Subsequently this blog is not about our night together. However, if you want to read about it then click here and have a gander at the blog entitled Seventeen.)

Walking down Newbury, I was on a mission for a glass of wine but first I had to put a few dollah billz in the parking thingy and get a fresh sticker. I approached Susi and walked past her to the new "meters" that have been installed. No fumbling with quarters any more and you can use your debit card. Pretty amazing and about damn time. I took out my wallet and shoved two dollar bills in the machine and it spit out a fresh sticker.

Now, when I say that I used my last two dollar bills I swear that is the truth. While I was pulling the sticker from the machine I heard a homeless man grumbling behind me, "Merrrrradsferrrrrr....got any change?"

I really didn't.

"I'm sorry I don't."

"Merrrrr..*gurgle gurgle*...bitch....hope you fall..."

"Um...thank you."

WTF? I'm getting heckled by a guy wearing toilet paper. And quite frankly I don't need this stress. I've only purchased three gifts for Christmas and I'm very busy and important this week/weekend and don't have time to shop. I didn't even do Christmas cards! I'm usually the first one plopping them in the mail box! Shameful, I know.

I was rattled. I stuck the parking sticker on the appropriate window and proceeded down the street. As I came upon Madura I maneuvered my way to the right in order to let some dude go by who had his phone shellacked to his ear. As he walked by I heard a snippet of his conversation, "I love you. NO! I DO love you!"

Not convincing my friend.

I shimmied to the right to let this guy go by. I zigged when I shoulda zagged and *BOOM* next thing I know I'm in a strange position that looks like I'm trying to do a split but instead ended up in a lunge. I tried to get myself upright but my left leg buckled and I fell on my ass.

Cool.

I looked around and surprisingly there was no one in front or behind me. Then the homeless man's voice permeated my ear drums "Hope you fall bitch..."

Honestly. Is there no solace for a girl who, just last week, gave cash to the Salvation Army bell ringer. Twice! Once at South Shore Plaza and once at the Stop & Shop in Plainville.

Happy Holidays. And p.s. I really think I pulled a hammie.

The power of the commerical...

I don't know about anyone else but I can recite the G-damn Garmin commercial lyric for lyric!!!

*GAH!* It's on permanent repeat in my brain...

"Where's Highway 10?"
"There's the Moose again!"
"Give a give a give a GARMIN!!"

And the bitch of it is, is that I have DVR so I am usually fast forwarding through the commercials. I..it's...driving me insane! I sit at my desk and bust out with "THERE'S THE MOOSE AGAIN!" Or I'm tooling down the hall to the bathroom and I start humming "Give a GARMIN!!!"

And didn't they play this commercial last year? Has the holiday commercial also been another casualty of the writer's strike? If so, I'm begging them to get back to work!

To check out the commercial click right here!

You like me! You really like me!

I mean...I think I'm funny. My mom and dad think I'm funny and LK and Shana always laugh when I simply blink my eye lids so I know that those closest to me find me insanely riotous.

There was one hairy incident when a dude I went on the date with straight up told me that he didn't think I was funny. But what did he know? I mean he had a goatee. *psha*

It's always nice to be told that people think you're funny and that they like you and enjoy your anecdotes and that they're laughing with you not at you. Plus, I'm my favorite subject. Were there a "Lisa Gradie" major in college, I'da nailed it! (I'da also nailed "Jell-O shot making 101 but that's neither here nor there.)

So imagine my elation when I receive not one but TWO emails yesterday from people telling me how much they enjoyed my blog!

The first one was from a person I'd never met. Subject line of the email: Your blog cracks me up! (ha! totes!...that's me saying that not the person emailing..)

Hi there,

My name is Dana and I am good friend of your cousin Mark. He and his wife, Wendy, introduced me to your blog this past Springtime. I check it out when I can and it totally cracks me up. Although we have never met, I can hear your voice in my head and your columns/articles bring a smile to my face.

I just thought I would reach out and say hello and wish you a happy holiday season, in spite of the snow.  Have a great day!

Best regards,

Dana

AMAZINGNESS! I'm so glad I can put a smile on a person's face, especially someone I've never met. And way to go Mark and Wendy for spreading the YGIU love! You guys definitely have a chance to make the blog next time you're up in this neck of the woods. Consider yourself lucky. It's hard to make an appearance in the blog.

The next one is from my friend Meg. Meg is a long time reader and supporter of the YGIU and she's also one of the cutest humans on the planet.

Subject line of her Myspace message: ....so you have some jr high readers

hey there sister....funny story ..

so there i was today at the end of school and i had given them basically a 'lets just hang out and watch the snow' last class of the day and i hear a general address to the class...
'who reads yourgirlfriendisugly?....like what is that all about...?' ( gal was snooping at the task bar to see what people are looking at..)

and i admitted that i was the one who read it ...so not remembering that there are words like fuck and other various things that I ...as their teacher...probably should NOT be admitting this ...hahahaha

bottom line ...one of my girls read it ...thought it was wicked funny...thinks i am a 'tad' cooler for it ....( because they think i was pretty much born during watergate....they have no concept of time to the point that its scary...)

thought you would like that!!

hope all is well...

woot

meg

Oh I love it. Now YGIU.com is shaping young minds! It's good practice for when I pop out a few of my own. Keep it up Meg! And encourage those tweens to stop by and check out YGIU on a regular basis. Those kids can learn a lot from me. I mean, I didn't walk "up hill both ways in the snow with now shoes" like my parents did when they were kids, but I've had my own fair share of hardships. You have no idea what it's like being a girl and living in the snow-ridden town of Boston. Or trying to just go out and get a beer and being hit on by balding 50+ year old men who smell like sausage.

Seriously. Stick with me.

I hope this encourages my other readers out there to hit me up with some fan mail! You'll make the blog. And when I become famous and get a movie deal with Untitled Entertainment and Vanessa Hudgens is playing me, your likeness could get a part on the silver screen!

Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink about it.

And while you're at it hit me up at [email protected]

Happy blog reading Xx

The Hills not so season finale wrap up...

I'm in sort of an interesting pickle here. I know that half of the people who read YGIU (my mom and dad) don't really like the blogs that focus on TV while the other half (Shana, LK and Jess) want more TV tid-bits from my POV. I watch a lot of TV (DVR merrrrrrr...) and haven't really been reviewing it recently. But I'm sorry. I HAVE to discuss The Hills Season Finale.

Now before I start my ass ripping, you need to know one thing, I love this show. I gobble it up like mashed potatoes and whole wheat rolls at Thanksgiving. It's so bad it's just BAD! I'll make fun of Lauren and her innate ability to be the best bump on a log there ever was and I'll criticize Audrina's lack of lips. But if this show goes into double digit seasons, you bet your bibby I'll be there with my DVR and a bottle of my best $6.99 Livingston wine.

With that being said, my first question is: Good God what is that stupid ass ugly girl in the purple people eater dress even WEARING?! And didn't anyone tell her how to get extensions put in? It looks like the Loch Ness Monster did her hair. And forget the fact that her voice sounds like thousands of tiny push pins scratching across the largest chalk board on Earth with a megaphone attached.

Horrendous.

And she keeps trying to steal Lauren's limelight by making shitty witty comments and Lauren just smiles her straight across the face smile and gives a look as if to say, "You're ugly."

Ok. Now that I'm done ripping apart someone completely not worth my time, on to the rest of the cast!!

Audrina.
You know. I like Audrina. I do. I think that even though she has no lips and insanely large teeth, talks like she's on a date rape drug and really bad taste in sexy/ugly guys, I think that were I to live in The Hills at the Hillside Villas, that Audrina and I would be friends. We'd hang out at Area and I'd have burping contests alongside Justin Bobby. BFFs for eva-n-life.

Heidi.
Honestly. No one is always that coiffed in their own home. The second I roll in the door I'm in my elastic waist band pants, hair up in a bun and my L.L. Bean fuzzy slippers and some sort of top that has an anonymous stain here or there. I'm not in my True Religion Jeans, Marni top with a fresh blow out. Vacuuming.

Brody.
Dude. WTF is up with the tanning goggle line around your eyes? Either that or his makeup artist is applying concealer that is four shades too light for him. Like the hair cut though. Wish he'd take his effing hat off when he eats (what can I say, I'm old school) and he's hot. Just ask him yourself he'll tell you how hot he is.

Frankie.
Dude why are you even on the show? Or the after party show for that matter.

Lo.
SO on Team Lo.

Whitney.
Another one who talks like she's on the 'luudes. I do like how low key she is though. She's all, "Yeah...I don't really do Hollywood."  Although that episode where she goes to that sports bar and plays pool with the trainer boy. W.T.F. was she wearing? I didn't care so much that she was wearing lingerie at a sports bar. I didn't care because I went bowling a few weeks ago and pretty much wore a teddy. The girls were not that well contained. So the fact that she wore a silky nightgown didn't bother me. What really chapped my ass were her moccasins. *BLECH* If she was trying to offset the fact that she looked like a hooker by wearing pretty much slippers out for the night she succeeded in looking homeless. Just bad decision making all around, Whit Whit.

And what would my blog be without some healthy Lauren bashing.
This girl kills me. Not only is she about as dynamic as a trip to the gynecologist but she then wonders why these "things" happen to her.

• Why did Brody kiss me?
• Why aren't I allowed to go to Paris and Whit Whit is?
• Why aren't my bangs cooperating today?

It's just...she's just...like, the most boring human known to man. I have more personality in the lint that just fell from my sweater than this girl does in thirty seven of her strappiest dresses.

For example, when Ugly and Geeky were interviewing her before the actual finale one of them asked her, "OMG SO OMG LAUREN! WH-AAAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT BEEN ON THE SHOW THIS SEASON?????"

Pan to Lauren staring blankly up at them, her eyes lined perfectly (how does she get those amazing wings on the corners of her lids??) mouth agape with the microphone inches from her lips. The 300+ sycophants waiting with bated breath as Lauren, formerly LC of Laguna Beach chooses her words carefully.

Finally *gah* she speaks, "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM.....IIIIIIIIIIII DON'T KNOW. BUT I'M SUUUUUUURE THERE HAVE BEEN PA-LENTY...."

Riveting.

The finale  was pretty lukewarm.

• Whit Whit gets invited Paris
• Lauren doesn't
• or does she.....??? hmmmmm....?????
• Lauren and Brody stare awkwardly at each other through very well lit restaurants, neither one of them admitting that they'd like to date the other one. It's so real it's painful.
• Brody makes a remark about how French people 1.) stink and 2.) have hairy arm pits. This from a guy who wore some sort of Robo Cop wrist band out for his birthday party celebration in Vegas. What was that?
• Oh yeah. Lauren gets invited to Paris by Lisa Love. *shocker*
• Even more shocking: Lisa Love admits to Lauren how, when she was 15 she ran away to Paris. Uh what? The TMI from L. Lo. made me awkward.
• Oh Heidi and her fake boobs need space so she drove to Colorado to hunker down with her fam and "figure some things out". Can you even drive to Colorado? To me that seems far. **side note** she did make an appearance at the viewing party and was NOT wearing her amethyst engagement ring.
• Audrina is left twisting in the breeze. Poor girl needs more air time.

So after all of this I actually stayed up to watch the after show. Again, the ugly girl (who's name, I finally learned is Jessi. Yeah no E, you got it) announced that Lauren had an "EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT FOR US AT THE END OF THE SHOW."

Did L. Lo promote her to head Polaroid taker of accessories at Teen Vogue?? Did her line get picked up at Wal-Mart? Is her little sister coming out with a book? (which would OBVI be titled "How to live in the shadow of the most boring person on the planet.") What could it beee??? I suffered through the entire half hour, through all of the painful montages and stupid fucking web cam questions, "So like Lauren, what kind of guy do you notice at a bar?" So original.

Finally the end.

Jessi, no E, announces, "Ok so now Lauren is going to tell us her news!!!!"

Surely it's something amaaaazing. She's moving to Paris or she and Heidi kissed and made up or this is the last season of the show. Surely it's good right?

Pan in on Lauren who looks like she's rather be getting a root canal than at this after show. "Ok so the news is that this season of The Hills isn't over! We're going to continue the season and show you our trip to Paris and it's going to show everything after that!!!"

Um. Cool. I could've been flossing but instead I wasted  27 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. And I didn't even watch it on DVR.

So that's my Hills-not-the-season-finale wrap up.

I hope Lauren got some personality pointers while in Paris. Doubtful though.

Xx

My whereabouts.

Below is an email from one of my fans. The subject line of the email was "Who broke your fingers..."

. . . Vinnie Boom Batzzzz???

No updates to the Blog since 11/30.

Is this Turkey hangover?

Is it disappointment that the Christmas decorating went so well it missed the blog?

Are you still drooling over the Bumpa guy?

Did you loose your BB and are now incessantly crying?

Or did you flush the laptop accidentally??

Inquiring minds want to know.

This is Charlie btw

The fan who wrote this email is my cousin Charles. Nothing like a little heckling. Hey, it's nice to be missed.

The source of my lack of blogging is not a turkey hangover. It does not involve a story of my mother and I fighting over where to place ornaments on our tree when we decorated the day after Thanksgiving (it ain't called Black Friday for nothing). And no I didn't lose my BB (Black Berry). Although Charles is right. Had I lost it I'd be face down in a gutter somewhere crying hysterically.

No. None of those things. I wish it were something interesting. But just the usual busy hub-bub. That and seasonal/Christmastime depression. Oh and the fact that my other cousin sent out photos from Thanksgiving and I pretty much look like the turkey in the photos. I thought when you lose 30 pounds you're supposed to look better NOT worse in photographs. And have people never heard of cropping? Hook a sister up!

And if one more person asks what me and my single self are doing for New Year's, I may have to commit myself. I'm just having a little pity party for myself. I don't do it often as pointed out by LK.

So I apologize for the downer blog. But I gotta keep it real right? Although I think there's still alcohol in my system from mine and LK's night out on Saturday. In case you were curious highlights of Saturday included the following:

• Gary Gulman at the Comedy Connection. Still funny the second time around.
• Copious amounts of beer at the L Street Tavern.
• Two funny bartenders who never let LK or I be without a full drink.
• Me referring to the bartender as Cornholio after he told me that all he had to eat was a bag of frozen corn (seriously, how nasty is that?)
• LK shouting out the number of people I've had sex with
• LK and I shutting down the L Street Tavern. An hour after it had officially stopped serving and everyone else had left. *whoops*
  
• LK and I taking 45 minutes to walk back to my apartment. It is only about 5 minutes away.

One stellar decision after another!

Xx