I'm in sort of an interesting pickle here. I know that half of the people who read YGIU (my mom and dad) don't really like the blogs that focus on TV while the other half (Shana, LK and Jess) want more TV tid-bits from my POV. I watch a lot of TV (DVR merrrrrrr...) and haven't really been reviewing it recently. But I'm sorry. I HAVE to discuss The Hills Season Finale.
Now before I start my ass ripping, you need to know one thing, I love this show. I gobble it up like mashed potatoes and whole wheat rolls at Thanksgiving. It's so bad it's just BAD! I'll make fun of Lauren and her innate ability to be the best bump on a log there ever was and I'll criticize Audrina's lack of lips. But if this show goes into double digit seasons, you bet your bibby I'll be there with my DVR and a bottle of my best $6.99 Livingston wine.
With that being said, my first question is: Good God what is that stupid ass ugly girl in the purple people eater dress even WEARING?! And didn't anyone tell her how to get extensions put in? It looks like the Loch Ness Monster did her hair. And forget the fact that her voice sounds like thousands of tiny push pins scratching across the largest chalk board on Earth with a megaphone attached.
Horrendous.
And she keeps trying to steal Lauren's limelight by making shitty witty comments and Lauren just smiles her straight across the face smile and gives a look as if to say, "You're ugly."
Ok. Now that I'm done ripping apart someone completely not worth my time, on to the rest of the cast!!
Audrina.
You know. I like Audrina. I do. I think that even though she has no lips and insanely large teeth, talks like she's on a date rape drug and really bad taste in sexy/ugly guys, I think that were I to live in The Hills at the Hillside Villas, that Audrina and I would be friends. We'd hang out at Area and I'd have burping contests alongside Justin Bobby. BFFs for eva-n-life.
Heidi.
Honestly. No one is always that coiffed in their own home. The second I roll in the door I'm in my elastic waist band pants, hair up in a bun and my L.L. Bean fuzzy slippers and some sort of top that has an anonymous stain here or there. I'm not in my True Religion Jeans, Marni top with a fresh blow out. Vacuuming.
Brody.
Dude. WTF is up with the tanning goggle line around your eyes? Either that or his makeup artist is applying concealer that is four shades too light for him. Like the hair cut though. Wish he'd take his effing hat off when he eats (what can I say, I'm old school) and he's hot. Just ask him yourself he'll tell you how hot he is.
Frankie.
Dude why are you even on the show? Or the after party show for that matter.
Lo.
SO on Team Lo.
Whitney.
Another one who talks like she's on the 'luudes. I do like how low key she is though. She's all, "Yeah...I don't really do Hollywood." Although that episode where she goes to that sports bar and plays pool with the trainer boy. W.T.F. was she wearing? I didn't care so much that she was wearing lingerie at a sports bar. I didn't care because I went bowling a few weeks ago and pretty much wore a teddy. The girls were not that well contained. So the fact that she wore a silky nightgown didn't bother me. What really chapped my ass were her moccasins. *BLECH* If she was trying to offset the fact that she looked like a hooker by wearing pretty much slippers out for the night she succeeded in looking homeless. Just bad decision making all around, Whit Whit.
And what would my blog be without some healthy Lauren bashing.
This girl kills me. Not only is she about as dynamic as a trip to the gynecologist but she then wonders why these "things" happen to her.
- Why did Brody kiss me?
- Why aren't I allowed to go to Paris and Whit Whit is?
- Why aren't my bangs cooperating today?
It's just...she's just...like, the most boring human known to man. I have more personality in the lint that just fell from my sweater than this girl does in thirty seven of her strappiest dresses.
For example, when Ugly and Geeky were interviewing her before the actual finale one of them asked her, "OMG SO OMG LAUREN! WH-AAAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT BEEN ON THE SHOW THIS SEASON?????"
Pan to Lauren staring blankly up at them, her eyes lined perfectly (how does she get those amazing wings on the corners of her lids??) mouth agape with the microphone inches from her lips. The 300+ sycophants waiting with bated breath as Lauren, formerly LC of Laguna Beach chooses her words carefully.
Finally *gah* she speaks, "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM.....IIIIIIIIIIII DON'T KNOW. BUT I'M SUUUUUUURE THERE HAVE BEEN PA-LENTY...."
Riveting.
The finale was pretty lukewarm.
- Whit Whit gets invited Paris
- Lauren doesn't
- or does she.....??? hmmmmm....?????
- Lauren and Brody stare awkwardly at each other through very well lit restaurants, neither one of them admitting that they'd like to date the other one. It's so real it's painful.
- Brody makes a remark about how French people 1.) stink and 2.) have hairy arm pits. This from a guy who wore some sort of Robo Cop wrist band out for his birthday party celebration in Vegas. What was that?
- Oh yeah. Lauren gets invited to Paris by Lisa Love. *shocker*
- Even more shocking: Lisa Love admits to Lauren how, when she was 15 she ran away to Paris. Uh what? The TMI from L. Lo. made me awkward.
- Oh Heidi and her fake boobs need space so she drove to Colorado to hunker down with her fam and "figure some things out". Can you even drive to Colorado? To me that seems far. **side note** she did make an appearance at the viewing party and was NOT wearing her amethyst engagement ring.
- Audrina is left twisting in the breeze. Poor girl needs more air time.
So after all of this I actually stayed up to watch the after show. Again, the ugly girl (who's name, I finally learned is Jessi. Yeah no E, you got it) announced that Lauren had an "EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT FOR US AT THE END OF THE SHOW."
Did L. Lo promote her to head Polaroid taker of accessories at Teen Vogue?? Did her line get picked up at Wal-Mart? Is her little sister coming out with a book? (which would OBVI be titled "How to live in the shadow of the most boring person on the planet.") What could it beee??? I suffered through the entire half hour, through all of the painful montages and stupid fucking web cam questions, "So like Lauren, what kind of guy do you notice at a bar?" So original.
Finally the end.
Jessi, no E, announces, "Ok so now Lauren is going to tell us her news!!!!"
Surely it's something amaaaazing. She's moving to Paris or she and Heidi kissed and made up or this is the last season of the show. Surely it's good right?
Pan in on Lauren who looks like she's rather be getting a root canal than at this after show. "Ok so the news is that this season of The Hills isn't over! We're going to continue the season and show you our trip to Paris and it's going to show everything after that!!!"
Um. Cool. I could've been flossing but instead I wasted 27 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. And I didn't even watch it on DVR.
So that's my Hills-not-the-season-finale wrap up.
I hope Lauren got some personality pointers while in Paris. Doubtful though.
Xx