Your Girlfriend is Ugly

You only have one thing to do

I stopped into Dunkin' Donuts this morning for my third cup of the day. Yeah I'm addicted to coffee. Some people like crack. I do caffeine. Get over it.

So after seeing that the drive through was backed up like no one's biznass, I threw Suzi in front of a hydrant, played chicken with the oncoming traffic and breezed into the actual Dunkin' Donuts...store? franchise? free standing location? shoppe? What do you call them?

"Can I help who's next?" crowed the 60+ year old woman behind the counter. I'd seen her before.

"Hi. Medium iced coffee, cream no sugar."

"Iced. Cream. No sugar?" she confirmed

"YOU GOT IT!" THUMBS UP, SUNNY SMILE. (Jaykay. I actually just mumbled, "Yep" as I tapped away on my non camera phone berry).

After a few seconds she emerged and handed me my elixir lover. I promptly lunged across the counter, cutting off some guy trying to get his change and snapped up a straw. I do this while they preparing my change for me. Gotta make sure the cream to ice to coffee ratio is A-OK.

I smelled it before it even hit my taste buds.

"BLECHARGHMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! This has sugar in it."

She stared up at me from my ten dollar bill that had mold on it with the blankest of stares.

"Ya didn't want sugah?"

"No. Cream. NO sugar."

See now usually when I'm at the drive through I will actually yell NO sugar into the little megaphone thing because for some reason at the drive through, no means yes. A bunch of date rapists these drive through workers!

The woman apologized and then grabbed a fresh medium iced coffee cup. "Ok. So cream. No Sugar?"

"Yessss. Cream no sugar."

At this point I was ready to write it down on a Post-it for her. I mean she works at Dunkin' Donuts. I'm sure that this was not her career of choice and that she probably had to take this job in the mornings because her husband had to go on disability from his job at the local electricians Union. But all you have to do is get me coffee. I don't even want a bagel unless I'm super hung over. It's not like I'm trying to throw these people at Dunkin' Donuts curve balls by sidling up to the drive through and asking for a soprasada on Italian with eggplant, roasted red peppers, caramelized onions and mozzarella.

PLUS. I go there every morning!!! Where is the customer love I ask you???!!!

Tanning two-step

As many of you may or may not know, Slut, HLP and myself are going on vacation together on May 10th through May 18th in Palm Springs. I'm very excited and cannot wait to sit by the pool, tan, drink and relax. I'll throw in a hike here and a shopping trip there but other than that I'll be cemented to that pool.

So, with our impending vacation upon us I had the thought to go tanning a few times. To get a base ya know. Once I get a good base I'm pretty African for the rest of the summer until about the end of October. Slut is right in the middle and HLP is straight up alabaster. Actually she's so white she's transparent (oh calm down HLP).

Last Wednesday we all met to sign up at Tanorama in Norwood. It's a central location and we thought it would be fun to go some place together; meet up and then grab dinner. Whatevs.

We chit chatted with the nice girl at the front and when it was my turn to sign up I just said, "Uh yeah give me whatever they got." It had been a long day and I couldn't deal with brochures. The girl took in my skin tone and said that I would be OK to go 8 minutes in the lay down bed.  I have to be honest, the lay down bed makes me nervous. I'd only ever done the stand up before and the lay down bed gave me visions of I Know What You Did Last Summer when the evil hook man closes the girl in the tanning bed and turns the heat all the way up and she becomes one crispy critter.

"That's why I always get the name of the person at the front desk so if something happens I can scream their name for help," explained Slut.

I decided to try the lay down. I slathered all of my lotions and bronzers on and shimmied in. It has to be said that when I tan I leave my underwear on. My ass may look like a gigantic white pillow case but I cringe to think that I could give my Hooha a sunburn. Those nether regions don't need to be tan.

I emerged from the bed 8 minutes later, unscathed, put my clothes on and off we went.

The next day I woke up with intense pain up the sides of my back, arms and legs. I studied myself in the mirror and and only the following parts of my body got color:

• The sides of my back
• The bottoms of my arms
• The out sides of my legs
• Stomach
• Face
• Neck

It looked like I had grill marks!

Oh awesome. And I had a strange line going down the right side of my ass check all the way to the back of my knee. How that happened I have no idea since I was wearing underwear!

After the pain and redness subsided I decided to go back on Sunday and this time I'd use the stand up tanning booth.

It was a girl I didn't recognize working the front desk. Places like tanning salons always make me nervous. I feel like I never have a clue what I'm doing and everyone knows that I have no clue.

"Last name?"

"Gradie." Then I had to put my finger onto this red light finger scanner thing. Very Mission Impossible.

"You want to do the Junior bed again?"

"Um...actually I want to do the stand up one this time. And only for 6 minutes."

"Ok. Aruba is ready for you."

I looked down to where she had gestured and saw the stand up booths were in the middle of the room. Uuuh seriously? Where was I supposed to change? Do I go into the bathroom and then hop into the booth because these towels are not going to cover me.

I must have had PANIC written all over me because said, "Let me show you."

She opened the door and oooooooooooooooooooh there was a little changing room inside. About the size of an airplane bathroom but still, it did the job.

I shimmied my way around, locked the door, slathered on my accelerator, then placed my winkies firmly over my peepers and hit the blue button. I was immediately immersed in harmful Ultra-Violet rays.

I was bopping and snapping to the music when I noticed a slight breeze on my behind. I whirled around and saw that there was no door separating me from the little changing area. No one could see into my tanning booth but what if someone tried to get in? I know the door was locked but it was only a tiny piece of metal separating my untanned ass and the rest of Tanorama nation.

I started to talk to myself:

"Seriously! What if someone tries to get in? Oh my god I can't believe there isn't like another door here."

UH TIS UH TIS UH TIS UH TIS BAUM BAT BAT BAT BA DA DA BAUM BAUM UH TIS UH TIS DAAAAANCE THE NIIIIGHT AWAAAAAAY OOOOooooooOOOOOOOOoooOOOOoooOoOoOoOhhh!!!

That's the music that was blasting in my tanning booth in case you were wondering.

"Oh my god is that the door opening? I have to turn this way in case someone opens the door!"

I stood facing the door with my eyes squinted open which I'm sure is advised against.

When my 6 minutes were up I surveyed the booth to make sure that I hadn't missed a sliding door or something. When I emerged Tanorama was empty except for the girl at the front folding towels. She looked at me like I was crazy, "Uuuuhm how was your tan......?"

"Oh it was great yea sure fine, loved it. I LOVE THE STAND UP TANNING BOOTHS! HEEHAHHAHHAI'MANAWKWARDHUMAN..."

I'm thinking that now that I'm even, maybe I'll try the bed again.

You know you love me more than your luggage!

Well now I can honestly say that people read my blog. I had 296 hits on my fart blog. Before that the most I ever had was 294 on my MOH blog. Before that I had a random spike when I posted a blog about my water intake. Not every exciting and I think I even removed it.

Anyway the point of this is to not toot my own horn *toooooooooooooooot* but rather to urge you to be my friend. I need more friends. Well...actually that's not entirely true. I don't need more friends. I have plenty of them in my life. We all know what I'd like that it involves someone who is 6'8'', with big hands, speaks English makes over 100K and can toss me around.

But umm...what I really am referring to is being my friend on My pace.

If you're a fan of Yourgirlfriendisugly.com then you should be my friend on Myspace! Yeah yeah I know Myspace isn't cool any more and everyone does Facebook but like honestly, Facebook stresses me out and gives me heart burn and Myspace is way more user friendly! I post bulletins and blogs when I blog so you're always updated!

Click here to be directed to the Myspace page and add me! And have your friends add me! And your friends friends! And your mom! And your mom's mom's poodle's mom!

Some fan mail!

Thank you for your awkwardness!!!!!!!  I can see why other people would rather hear my fucked up stories as opposed to my everything turned out great stories.  You are easily in the top one percent of funny in the world.  You have saved my workplace of surliness for three months!  If I see you at Applebee's, I owe you many drinks.  I know the cansa researcher from your encounter!  There are three of those charity sneaker pictures of him under the large screen at the bar.  One refers to your blog!  That written account of your dealings with him is Pulitzer worthy.  Keep making us laugh!!!!

Stay safe,

Bob

Bob made my day on Friday.

*sigh* I need  my own mini series.

Off to EXTREME bingo with HLP and Brennon!!!

Xx

merrrrrMONDAYmerrrrrrrr

It's so OBVIOUS to hate Monday's but I gotta jump on the bandwagon here folks. I really do. And especially today. It is such a crap stain of a day. I woke up this morning and as I peeled back my new window drapings (white and lacy, so cute) I could see the pigeon gray sky outside basically allowing me to get back into bed.

"KISS 108 THIS IS LISA. WEATHER OUTSIDE IS RAINY WITH A HIGH OF 40 DEGREES."

Oh barf nasty.

After a few swats of the snooze button I finally emerged from my pillowy deliciousness of a bed at 8:17am.

Only nine more hours until I'll be back at my house.

I messaged my boss to let her know I'd be running late due to an inability to function and she responded that it was "OK" since she'd be in New York. Nice. I'll be donning sweat pants today thankyouverymuch.

I arrived at work in my cutest work out chic sweat pants and Nantucket hoodie and prepared to attack my power point presentation that was due on Thursday....but first, a trip to 7-Eleven.

I stocked up on milk, OJ and water for the week. The nice guy at the front counter alerted me to the fact that Poland Spring 1 liter bottles were on sale 2 for $2. Oh HOLLER! I don't know when 7-eleven started having sales but this was fabulous!

Back in my office I prepared to knock out my power point presentation.

"Hey Lisa, it's Christine. So FYI, the presentations have been pushed back one month so we're going to present beginning of June."

This day just might turn out to be the best one yet!

Ugh. I really want to go home.

I stared out the drive through window of my office and thought about my birthday party taking place this weekend. I'll be the big 2-7 on Sunday the 4th and we're going out to celebrate on the 3rd. I decided to go bowling because it's active and I want my friends to be moving and shaking. I feel that when I'm out in a group everyone just sits around and waits for me to say something funny and I can't handle that type of pressure on the day that I entered the world.

I had a thought and called HLP, "Um. I should probably see if there is a game on Saturday night."

"Let me look!"

Our plans were to go to Jillian's in Landsdowne. AKA total and utter shit show when the Red Sox are playing.

"It is a night game at 7:05 and they are playing at home."

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! I'm not dealing with the 21 year old BU crowds on my birthday. HLP began to look up bowling places in Boston and up popped Milky Way in JP.

Why did I know this name? Oooooh it's the place that JHill was telling me about this. At first when she told me I thought to myself, "Um..JP? It's so faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar..."

But the farther away from downtown the better!

"OMG! LISA OMG! TONIGHT IS EXTREME BINGO!!! AND IT'S FREE AFTER 9PM!!!"

"Fun."

"We should totally go sometime!"

I thought about my plans for this evening: curling up in front of my DVR, ignoring my laundry and eating chocolate seltzer cake with reduced fat chocolate frosting.

Seltzer cake.

Extreme bingo.

Seltzer cake.

Being single and having fun in the city.

Seltzer cake.......

"Do you want to go tonight HLP?"

"Um OK!!"

"But I am eating dinner at my apartment. I have chili that I unfroze with the intention of eating it tonight."

"Oh no problem. I totally understand."

"See you at your apartment at 8."

"Ok!"

And that is how a crap stain day turns into a night with plans!

p.s..I've had the BIGGEST hankering for some Starbursts like all day. I found a rogue orange one in my purse and now I can't fight the urge.

"You pick culah!!!" - How about a nice shade of *poot*?

The other day I was tooling around Newbury Street getting my bangs fixed and I decided to stop in to the Fresh store and give my favorite Ukrainian Princess a little love.

We chit-chatted in front of the store and people watched while taking in the gorgo weather. Then the Ukrainian Princess instructed me to look at her toes. I took in her flawless French pedicure. I was beyond jealous. I looked from her pretty toes to my four week old chipping and scuffed Jelly Apple red toes while a sad little "wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" played in my head.

I needed a mani/pedi straight away.

I floored it back to Southie in Suzi and came to a screeching halt in front of the Gaelic Nail Spa on West Broadway. Do not be fooled by the Irish name, this joint is run with military like precision by a gaggle of hardcore Koreans.

"Hallooo? Can I hewp yeeeeeeew?"

"Hi. Manicure and pedicure please?"

"Ok you pick culah!"

I sauntered over to the culah wall and started to decorate my unkempt fingernails with various eggplants and blacks and navys. I decided I wanted to go with OPI Something Garnet on my hands and a French on my toes.

The woman who was about to de-cuticle my toes waved me over and I took a seat in the plush black vibrating chair. The thing I love about getting my nails done is that I don't have to do anything. I don't like pawing through three week old magazines that everyone else has already raged. I like to just sit and relax. Maybe every once in a while I'll peer down to see how much cuticle has been accrued but for the most part I keep to myself.

She began the ritual of the pedicure: polish removal, cuticle pushing back, cuticle cutting, filing, buffing and then removal of calluses on the bottom of the feet.

I have to pause for a second and tell you, dear reader, that I am incredibly ticklish on the bottoms of my feet. You can try to tickle me on my side or even my knee but you'll fail and then eventually your fingers will atrophy and I'll say, "Toldja".

So when the woman squirted the lotion stuff on the scrubby sponge like thing and took it to my feet I lost it. I didn't full out giggle but I was jerking my leg around so much I looked like I was suffering from a bout of restless leg syndrome. I was trying so hard to not laugh that my face was turning purple and the veins in my neck were pulsing. The upper half of my body was trying to hard to keep it together. Unfortunately the lower half of my body was on a mission of it's own.

Ladies in gentleman, while trying to not bust out into a full on GUFFAW I let out a fart. I farted in the face of the woman doing my pedicure. It was one of those farts that comes out from the back and then travels up your butt crack and ends with a small *pop* at the start of your crack.

Suffice it to say I was mortified. I peered down at the woman. She gave me a fleeting glance and then continued exfoliating the bottom of my right foot. I bet when she woke up this morning she hadn't expected to be farted on.

*phew* Don't think she heard me.

The second the thought entered my brain she started speaking in her native tongue and the entire place erupted in laughter. I couldn't bring myself to see if they were looking at me but you know they all were.

The Donna gets her palm read

When I was home this past Sunday visiting the rental units I asked my mother in passing what she was up to this week.

"Well, Toosday I'm going to get my palms read."

"You are?!!?"

"Ya. Rose is convinced that she's going to die at 62 so she wants to see what's in store for her."

"Oh. Awesome. You can't take those things to seriously though mom!"

"I know Leeee-SAH!"

Last night I talked to The Donna to do a post-mortem on her palm reading.

"So. What did she say??"

"Well she talked about Stevie a lot and said that I'm a strong person."

"Uh huh. What did she say about me?"

"Nothing."

*pfft*

"You should have asked her when you were going to have grandchildren."

"Why?"

"Just because! So Plus One and I can know when we'll be expecting!"

"Do you want to know when you're having kids or when you're getting laid again Leee-SAH?"

"Mmmmmmmmmmmaybe a little bit of both...??" 

MOH Update

Well as many of you know I was asked to be the Maid of Honor in my best friend Jen's wedding. I met Jen in 2000 while attending Emerson and we have been close friends ever since. I was glad to do it and looking forward to picking out table cloths and flowers and my dress. I actually like that stuff. I'm a planner.

So back in February I was down at the bride's house for a visit. Everyone was all a flutter because the Save the Dates were going out in two weeks and oh how exciting it all is! So fast forward about three weeks and I'm talking to my mother. The Donna informed me that she received Jen's Save the Date and did she want me to book my hotel room at the same time they were booking theirs?

"Oh weird. Shana and I didn't get ours yet."

So the next day I emailed the bride just to ask if she had sent me a STD. Our mail was being funky so I just wanted to make sure that it hadn't gotten lost. She replied back that, yes in fact she had sent me one.

So I emailed back, "Oh Ok. Did you send Shana hers too?"

What I received back in her email was not what I was expecting: "You have a plus one, so if you want to bring your sister as your plus one we'd love to have her. Your plus one will be with your for the rehersal dinner and cocktail reception."

UH. WHAT.

I was shocked. Surely Jen just didn't tell me that 1.) my sister isn't invited to her wedding and 2.) as such I should bring her as my date. I mean, Jen usually has such good manners. Certainly this was an oversight. She reads every wedding article and website ever created so she must know that the Best Man and Maid of Honor get carte blanche. Did she really think that I would bring my sister to the rehearsal dinner with me?

I told Shana about the email I had just received and her response was, "Well that's fucked up. You're the Maid of Honor."

That night Jen and I had a conversation about it. Itold her how displeased I was and that how she knows my sister and how Shana and my entire family host Jen whenever she comes to town. What really got me, however, was that she invited two college friends that she rarely speaks to anymore (for example this is how much she doesn't talk to them: when I'd mention to her that I talked to one of these two people her response was always, "Oh man I haven't talked to them in forever. I need to call them." ) so don't tell me that you couldn't invite close friends and family but that you invited these two people with dates. And that you just invited them with dates because "they live with their significant other".

You invited 198 people to your wedding. I'm your Maid of Honor. There are some things that you just DO. So FIGURE IT OUT.

I thought I was Ok with it. I really did. I tried to let it go. But I really couldn't. I was just really mad about it and pissed off at her. It felt like I was just in this role as her friend until she got married and then after the "I Do's" I'd never see her again (mainly because her fiance hates me, but we'll get to that later).

She and I finally talked two weeks later. I texted her and asked her if she could move up her weekend to come here for her visit. She was supposed to come to Boston for my birthday weekend. We were going to party and have fun and do a little wedding stuff on the side. It quickly turned into me running around from Newbury Street to Natick for her appointments and I just really didn't want to do all of that on my birthday. Plus I found out that it was my cousin's First Communion that weekend and it was just all around bad timing.

"Do you mind changing your flight?" I asked her over the phone.

"Well I would, but it's $150 to change it."

"Jen, I'll pay for it."

(pause, pause)

"Well I think that I just won't come at all."

"Jen, you can come. But if you do, you're going to be staying at my apartment. With my sister."

"Yes well I know I'll be staying with you and your sister because you live with your sister."

Oh, well excuuuuuse me. Not all of us live with our boyfriends.

The conversation quickly escalated into "Do you even want to still be my Maid of Honor?" I responded without even a moment's hesitation, "No. I don't." I realized that this was something she was not going to bend for. I am super close with my sister and she knows that. Furthermore she knows Shana and hangs out with her when she comes to Boston. I don't hold grudges but I knew I couldn't get past it. You always hear stories about people in weddings who just do whatever because "ya kinda have to." I wasn't doing this.

We ended our talk with a "good luck" and that was that. I was no longer in the wedding.

Now, before you go and get all judgmental on me and start gasping, "Oh my God I can't believe she blogged about this!" You should know that I was not going to. This was one thing I was going to leave untouched. My opinion quickly changed when, last week, I received a hand written note in the mail from the Bride uninviting me to her wedding (Uhh...like I was going to go) and ending our friendship.

"At first I was disappointed when you said you didn't want to be my Maid of Honor but now I know that I am making the right choice by moving forward with my wedding to the man that I love."

Ok fine. You're entitled to your wedding to the man that you love *PAUSE* who, by the way is a clown and has disliked me since day one. Literally. He actually told Jen that I was a bad influence on her and I really think that when I went there for visits he had a tracking device on her at all times along with a nanny cam in the room where I stayed. The one thing I'm happy about is that I don't ever have to see his mug again. God, this feels so good to say. I haven't been able to stand him for so long and now I don't have to hide it any more!!! *PLAY*  but don't write me a note in your best prose and end our friendship. Grow a set of balls and pick up the phone.

She sent my parents a letter uninviting them to the wedding too. Again, like they would have gone! Could you imagine?! The Donna and Beast just show up at her wedding and are like "HEEEEY!! WE'RE HERE FOR THE BIG DAY!!!"

Please.

Her letter eneded with a "I wish you nothing but health and happiness," and then she signed it Best Regards.

I guess it really shows how much you've meant to someone when they won't even fight for you and then end your friendship with a letter and a Best Regards to boot. It's her I feel bad for because she lost such a good friend and she knows it. But I guess a good friend doesn't matter when you're marrying the man that you love right?

Nothing but health and happiness for the bride.

Best regards,
Lisa

Dreamy

Mmmmmaybe it was because I was out in the sun all day yesterday. Or maybe it was the copious amounts of Asian 'slaw I ingested. Perhaps it was the new sheets I slept in. Whatever it was, I had some EFFED up dreams last night. Like....*GAH*...so effed!

The first dream had to do with this guy I know. I was talking to Slut in my dream and he came over and was totally checking out Slut and I was like, "Slut he likes you!" and she was all like, "Nah!" So then the guy walked away and I followed him all covertly (think the woodsman in Britney Spears' Fantasy Perfume youtube video) through the woods to where I found him lying naked in a shallow pool of water doing these crazy artsy poses with his arms and legs.

I'm, uh, not entirely sure where the scenario for this dream came from but when I think back to it all I can do is laugh out loud (LOL if you will) to myself.

The water sports dream quickly turned into a dream about cockroaches.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughal;djf;alsdfl;asdjl;safj;aslfjl;asfj;asfjasl;dfj.

I hate those fuckers.

I dreamed that there were two on a wall of a room I was standing in. The room didn't look familiar. I grabbed a can of RAID and sprayed those suckers down. But instead of fleeing away like roaches usually do when you spray them they stayed right where they were and took it. They almost appeared to bask in the RAID. So gross. Then one got caught on my lip and had to be cut off. OMG I'm itching myself right now as I type this.

I Googled "what does it mean when you dream about cockroaches?" and basically a bunch of sites came back saying "to see a cockroach in your dream signifies your need for renewal, rejuvenation or self-cleansing."

Humph. I guess. I mean, roaches are the only things to survive after a nuclear holocaust.

Although a guy on Yahoo.com did say: "It means you have a bug fetish. I suggest having sex with a guy wearing a bug costume. Don't knock it until you try it."

Oh God.

Overheard in my life

I received an *URGENT* email from my colleague in New Jersey so I immediately hopped on the phone and called my vendor to get the issue straightened out.

Decked in my new headset (yay!!) I waited and waited while the phone rang and then finally went to voicemail. I hit zero to get the operator and have the woman paged.

"Hello...?"

"Hi. Can you please page Stephanie. This is Lisa from Fresh."

"Um...I don't have her cell number."

"That's ok. I need her paged please."

"Umm...Uuuuh...well I'm just a temp at the front desk. I don't know how to do that and even if I did it will go out to the entire office."

I paused, "Um. Well isn't that the point of paging someone?"

"Please hold."

I also don't think you need a degree to know how to page someone using a phone. Just a basic reading level and a range of motion with your hands will suffice. 

Charmed, I'm sure.

This is a quiz blog. Please read the question and circle your appropriate answer.

You go out on a date with someone. You have a good time. Lots of laughs then you have a severe make out session after. What would be your ideal second date?

A.) Bowling

B.) Dinner, maybe followed by a movie.

C.) Karaoke

D.) An invitation to his place to drink from his 30-rack of Busch Light and watch the movie Beerfest

If you answered D then you either graduated from college six years ago and can't stop reliving your glory days or you get really good wireless reception from the trailer park. Oh that and you are meeting up with the same caliber of men that I seem to attract.