The other day I was tooling around Newbury Street getting my bangs fixed and I decided to stop in to the Fresh store and give my favorite Ukrainian Princess a little love.
We chit-chatted in front of the store and people watched while taking in the gorgo weather. Then the Ukrainian Princess instructed me to look at her toes. I took in her flawless French pedicure. I was beyond jealous. I looked from her pretty toes to my four week old chipping and scuffed Jelly Apple red toes while a sad little "wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" played in my head.
I needed a mani/pedi straight away.
I floored it back to Southie in Suzi and came to a screeching halt in front of the Gaelic Nail Spa on West Broadway. Do not be fooled by the Irish name, this joint is run with military like precision by a gaggle of hardcore Koreans.
"Hallooo? Can I hewp yeeeeeeew?"
"Hi. Manicure and pedicure please?"
"Ok you pick culah!"
I sauntered over to the culah wall and started to decorate my unkempt fingernails with various eggplants and blacks and navys. I decided I wanted to go with OPI Something Garnet on my hands and a French on my toes.
The woman who was about to de-cuticle my toes waved me over and I took a seat in the plush black vibrating chair. The thing I love about getting my nails done is that I don't have to do anything. I don't like pawing through three week old magazines that everyone else has already raged. I like to just sit and relax. Maybe every once in a while I'll peer down to see how much cuticle has been accrued but for the most part I keep to myself.
She began the ritual of the pedicure: polish removal, cuticle pushing back, cuticle cutting, filing, buffing and then removal of calluses on the bottom of the feet.
I have to pause for a second and tell you, dear reader, that I am incredibly ticklish on the bottoms of my feet. You can try to tickle me on my side or even my knee but you'll fail and then eventually your fingers will atrophy and I'll say, "Toldja".
So when the woman squirted the lotion stuff on the scrubby sponge like thing and took it to my feet I lost it. I didn't full out giggle but I was jerking my leg around so much I looked like I was suffering from a bout of restless leg syndrome. I was trying so hard to not laugh that my face was turning purple and the veins in my neck were pulsing. The upper half of my body was trying to hard to keep it together. Unfortunately the lower half of my body was on a mission of it's own.
Ladies in gentleman, while trying to not bust out into a full on GUFFAW I let out a fart. I farted in the face of the woman doing my pedicure. It was one of those farts that comes out from the back and then travels up your butt crack and ends with a small *pop* at the start of your crack.
Suffice it to say I was mortified. I peered down at the woman. She gave me a fleeting glance and then continued exfoliating the bottom of my right foot. I bet when she woke up this morning she hadn't expected to be farted on.
*phew* Don't think she heard me.
The second the thought entered my brain she started speaking in her native tongue and the entire place erupted in laughter. I couldn't bring myself to see if they were looking at me but you know they all were.