**If you're not into the TMI blogs then don't read this**
I am a female. In case you were having trouble deciphering that one. I take the necessary steps to keep myself girly; toe shaving, hair cutting and coloring and bikini waxing. Waxing is something that girls talk pretty frequently about. Imagine you're a guy and you're talking with your buddies about the latest and greatest drill that just came in at Home Depot:
"Ah dude. Did you see the new Killer Cutter hands free saw? All you have to do is sync it with your iPhone and then you just tell it where you want it to cut by punching the dimensions into your bluetooth. Man that thing is s-i-c-k!"
"I know Broseph. I can't wait to get one. We should go test it out one day after the Red Sox game!"
"Word."
(If I ever overheard a conversation like this I think I'd die.)
This is the kind of casual conversation girls have when talking about waxing:
"OMG I totally need to get my woo-ha waxed."
"Meeeeeeeeeeeeee too! It's like, not ok."
"When are you going again?"
"I'm going to get my Brazilian tomorrow."
"You get Brazilians?!?! OMG. Doesn't that hurt??"
I am a fan of the Brazilian (not the full, the partial. I'm not into looking like an eleven year old down there) and for all you skeptics, I'm about to blow the Brazilian waxing myth wide open. Everyone thinks that the Brazilian hurts like a mo-fo because of the part in the process where you get your butt waxed. You say you're getting a Brazilian and the person you are telling this to immediately takes their hand and shields their backside, like you're about to just whip out your waxing kit and rip their butt hair out right there on the spot.
The person gasps, then lowers their voice to a whisper, "You dooo? You get that done?"
It doesn't hurt. On the contrary. The butt portion of the waxing is actually...how do I say this...somewhat pleasant. Don't get me wrong, is it awkward to get on all fours and do downward facing dog on the table while your aesthetician rubs your backside down with post-wax oil? Yeah. Sure. It's awkward the first time but you've got to remember, they do it for a living. You've seen one asshole, you've seen them all.
Now. What does hurt? The part that always makes me want to weep is when my girl does The Lips. Good God nothing hurts more when she tells you to, "bend your left leg into the shape of a 4 and put your right leg up in the air." When she comes at me with "the 4" I know I'm in for it. But it's only a couple seconds of pain. Maybe a full minute if I forget to take Advil before the procedure. And that really is the worst of it!
I've tried to explain this to so many of my friends and family members. My mother told me she wanted me to take her and when I told her what was involved she immediately backtracked, "Wait. They wax your WHAT?! LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
On Fourth of July weekend I was in the car with my cousin P, who is one of the most adorable humans on the planet. She has three boys and the topic of Brazilian waxing doesn't come up that often in their household. I was giving P a breakdown of what the Brazilian entails and was going on and on, lost in my own South American world, when I looked over and saw that P had her face in her hands, was beet red from the roots of her hair all the way down to her toe nails and was shellacked to the side of the car.
"P! Are you OK?"
She shook her head. "I..I just...I c-can't talk about this anymore."
If humans had the ability to form into another substance, P would have melted into a puddle and slid out of the SUV.
But really. It doesn't hurt. No more than a regular bikini wax. With that being said, you DO have to do it all the time. The longer you wait in between waxing the more it will hurt. I do it about every six weeks and that timing works for my rate of growth. And if you are a little hairy in between waxes don't shave or do anything. You need to wait for your appointment.
In my personal opinion what hurts the most is the (facial) lip wax. Since I don't enjoy looking like Tom Selleck I get it done. But I do it with a heavy heart.