Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Life changes and how they will effect my TV time.

In case you don't stalk me on Twitter or are not privvy to my insane amount of Facebook updates then you might not know that I'm moving to New York in about two weeks.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii know.

It happened kind of fast. But it's good; it's exactly the change I need.

So the fact that I'm moving and having this major life change isn't really bothering me so much. I mean do I worry about packing up all of my shit in two weeks? Sure. Am I bummed that I probably can't have a proper going away party? Well, yeah. But I can have a welcome to New York party so that's fine.

What I am most freaking out about is how in the world am I going to watch all of my DVR in time before the big move?!???!!!!

Seriously the thought gives me agida. I've only downloaded 4 episodes of 24 on my iPod and the rest are all on my precious Digital Video Recorder. Plus, all of those Millionaire Match Makers and One Tree Hill's that I save for a rainy day! GAH! How am I going to pull this one off???

I'm not tech-savvy so if anyone knows a way to transfer DVR to your iPod then please let me know because quite frankly I don't think I can pull this one off.

In these hard times you can't afford to be a bitch. Especially if you work on commission.

A few days ago I was shopping in Boston's Copley Squarewhen I decided to head into Neiman Marcus

I was browsing some of the high end makeup and skincare lines; Chantecaille, Darphin, La Prairie, when I decided to head over to fragrance to see what was new.

I had heard about the new Valentino fragrance and how beautiful the bottle was but I wanted to see for myself. True to all of the hype is really is a beautifully crafted package and the fragrance is divine. I sprayed some on myself and then took in the gorgeous floral scent.

"Can I help yeeeeeeew?" I looked up and a very well coiffed sales lady was peering at me.

"Oh no thank you. I'm just looking."

I took a few more peaks at what was new. I wasn't that taken with the new Gucci fragrance but I was absolutely loving the David Yurman EDP. The sales lady stared me down, which I can't stand. Peering at me over your Chanel glasses is not going to make me want to spend money.

Just then I received a phone call and went outside to take it. As I was hanging up, I happened to catch a waft of myself. It was the Valentino perfume. It had sat on my skin for a while and the dry down was absolutely amazing.

My 'I NEED THAT' instincts kicked in and I raced for the escalator. But before I stepped foot back into the store I stopped and talked myself off of the ledge.

"Lisa, you need to stop. You used to be so impulsive with purchases and it got you into a lot of trouble financially. I know you love this fragrance now and maybe you will love it tomorrow too. But get a sample of it first and try it out. That way you'll know that you really REALLY love and then maybe after you've lived with it for a little while you can come back and get it."

"But, self, I want it now!"

"Lisa..."

"Ok."

I walked back over to the fragrance counter and Chanel Glasses lady had a friend with her, a fellow sales associate. I smiled at Chanel Glasses.

"Hi."

"Hi. How can I help yeeeeeeeeeeeeew?"

"Well, I sprayed the Valentino on me and I love it. It's so amazing."

"Mmmmmm...iiiiiiiisn't it?" That was the other sales associate. She was staring me up and down. Her gaze stopped on my Old Navy jeans and then made their way up my body to my LL Bean rain coat.

I focused my attention on Chanel Glasses. "Do you have any samples of it? I'd like to try it before I commit."

"I don't think we do but let me double check."

"We don't," said the other woman curtly.

What a beast!

Chanel Glasses actually opened a few drawers before confirming what the other associate had already stated.

"Maybe you can put it on your Christmas list and someone can buy it for you."

What is what I hate about big name department stores?! They assume if you're not decked out in Tory Burch that you don't have the cash. Did they not see Pretty Woman?! Don't assume anything.

I turned to the beastly woman and said, "First of all, I'm Jewish so I don't have a Christmas list (I'm not Jewish) and second of all, I can buy it myself I just wanted a sample to make sure I wouldn't hate it."

I left the two woman standing there with their mouths agape and hustled out of the store as fast as my Nine West flats could take me!

Overheard in the 'burbs: Easter Weekend Edition

Friday: "But I gave birth to you for Christ's sake!"

On Friday evening around 7:50pm I walked into the family room where my parents were to alert The Donna that we should probably saddle up and hit the road to go pick up my sister Shana who was arriving at Rt. 128 station from New York.

My dad was watching some sort of program on the History Channel and The Donna was sitting on the couch snapping the ends off of 78 pounds of raw green beans. In between beheading the beans she was popping jelly beans into her mouth. Earlier that day I was putzing around CVS and decided to buy my mom some of her favorite candy.

"Mum we should probably get going."

"Leeeee-SAH these jelly beans suck."

"Um. Sorry...?"

"No thea wicked hahd."

I grabbed one and chewed on it. No unusual consistency to be found.

"Mum they're fine. If you want something soft to chew on eat one of these." I chucked the Swedish Fish bag at her and gestured that we needed to make a move.

"No Leee-SAH seriously. Hea..."

I then watched as my mother removed the half masticated jelly bean from her mouth and waved it in my face.

"Hea try this."

"I am NOT eating that!"

"Fa God's sake I gave birth to you!"

"And.."

"Hea eat it. Tell me it's not wicked hahd."

"Mum get outta here! Would you eat the jelly bean in my mouth???" I grabbed the half eaten green one and pressed it between my fingers.

To my surprise The Donna went for it!

"MUM!!! GROSS!!!" I shoved the bean back in my mouth. "Can we go please."

"Fine. But I don't know what you're freaking out about. I gave birth to you."

"Yes you said that. Come on we're going to be late."

Sunday afternoon: "I only like Wheel of Fortune."

For Easter we had my cousin Pam and Charles over with two of their three boys, Ben and Matt and my dad's older sister Aunt Nancy.

We were all sitting around the table drinking coffee and having pound cake when Pam (who is no stranger to my tales of waxing) asked what we all did last night

"Shana and I just hung out and watched a movie."

"Yeah," my dad grumbled, "Donna and I watched a movie too. Slumdog Millionaire. It SUCKED."

"Dad! How can you say that? It was soooo good! And it won like every award so at the very least you can appreciate it."

"I haven't seen it yet," said Pam.

"It flashes back a lot and Donna and I were just kind of confused."

"You have to pay attention," I explained to him. "Maybe you should watch it again."

"No. Oooooooh no."

"I don't think it was the right movie for mom and dad," said my sister. (What would be the right movie for my parents??)

My dad continued, "Plus it was about a game show. And I hate game shows."

"It was not about a game show dad."

"Well it sort of was. I'm not big on game shows. I mean I like a good episode of Wheel of Fortune but that's about it"

Sunday late afternoon before dinner: And the brutality just keeps on comin'

There are a handful of topics that are off limits for discussion during family functions. Two of the main ones are politics and the Massachusetts school system. My mother is very active in my towns school committee and talking about it boils her blood. And she has high blood-pressure. So we put these restrictions in place to keep The Donna alive.

Well somewhere in between the cheese ball and the Mets game the topic of schools came up. Pam is a math teacher in Mass so she and my mom were talking. Then I hear Pam tell my mom that they are going to start putting the BMI of kids on their report cards.

"Ah you serious Pam?" said The Donna.

"Yup. Now the school is responsible if your kid is fat," replied Pam.

My Aunt Nancy then turned to me and said, "Lisa you must be glad you're not in school any more huh?"

When the left I took my sister to the train, came home and immediately did my Tank Top Arms and Boy Short Bottom work out DVD.

How did you spend your Easter evening?

* * *

When's the next holiday?

Shape up

Yesterday I decided to wear my new full body shaper for the first time. I got it at Wal-Mart for $13 and bought it for the sole purpose of keeping my hips in check. I could carry septuplets and not have a problem with the child bearing hips I'm sporting.

My outfit consisted of a dress, tights, my new shaper and my fierce Mark Fisher heels (alternated with flats throughout the day). The shaper did the job. It sucked in all the right places and created curves where necessary however, going to the bathroom became somewhat of a challenge.

See with a full body shaper, if you have to go to the bathroom they make it so you unhook the crotch area. It's the same idea as unhooking your bra. Ladies if you went to middle school in the 90's then you probably know what I'm talking about because didn't we all used to rock those patterned bodysuits?? 

Remember that. *shudder*

Anyway with my shaper I was having sort of a hard time unhooking my crotch so I could do my duties. The first time I tried I got so stressed out and sweaty I just ended up taking off my dress.

As I was putting my clothes back on I said to myself, "Ok Lisa. Next time you have to work on getting the hooks undone. You can't be getting naked in the bathroom."

I went to the bathroom about 5 times in the office and I couldn't for the life of me get the damn shaper unhooked. Each time I had to disrobe so I could pee.

It wouldn't have been a big deal, the bathroom in the office is just a one person type of deal so it's not like anyone can spy on you, it's just that we all had plans to go out later on that night so what was I going to do if I had to pee at the bar?

Well I soon found out because roughly 30 minutes into my first vodka soda I had to use the ladies room. I walked in, smiled at the attendant and then pimped all the way down to the handicapped stall so I'd have ample arm room to maneuver my dress on and off. I stealthily took my dress off, making sure to crouch down so no one would see my flailing arm movements and then hung it nicely on the hook of the door.

All was going well until I glanced over and could actually see the girl in the stall next to me through the two inch crack between the wall and the stall door.

If I could see her chilling on the toilet then she could probably see me chilling on the toilet. Naked.

"Oh Christ...." I mumbled to myself.

I finished going to the bathroom, pulled up my shaper and tights and then stood very still behind the door. I made sure that I was out of anyones sight line and waited until the girl next to me exited the premises. Then I grabbed my dress and carefully put it back on. I smiled at the attendant as she handed me a towel. Did she just wink at me?

I made my way back to my table of friends and vowed to practice unhooking my shaper so as to not risk getting caught, literally with my pants down. Or with no pants at all.

My worst nightmare.

This past weekend I spent time at our Cape house with my family relaxing, eating great food and doing some major shopping damage. My sister was home for the weekend so it was a nice opportunity to recharge our batteries.

On Saturday evening we went to our favorite restaurant in Osterville called Wimpy's. It's family owned and we've been going there for years. Plus we've become good friends with two of the waitresses Catherine and Tricia.

That particular evening  we were lucky enough to have Catherine as our server. She's Irish and can take a joke. Plus she always makes sure there's a nice big healthy pour in my wine glass.

Three-quarters of the way through the meal and three rounds of drinks in, a family seated a few tables down started to sing. I spotted four children; three girls and a boy. One of the girls was of toddler looking age. She had a pacifier in her mouth and didn't look like she could pee in the bathroom yet. That's a toddler right? Anyway this supposed toddler was having a hissy fit so the family was serenading "The Wheels On The Bus" to her.

This is my worst nightmare come to life. I don't like children. They make me nervous and they are dirty and they are so chatty. Like Jesus! The sky is just blue OK?!

Right in the middle of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" Catherine came over to see how we were doing.

I gestured my head towards the singing family and said to her, "Think they'll sing us a song?"

"Well let's see about that." And off Catherine went...to the table where the singing family was seated. To ask them if they'd sing to us.

You've got to be kidding me.

I heard her say, "That nice lady right there wants to hear a song from you." Catherine was talking to the little boy who had chocolate caked on his face and her finger was aimed right at me.

Oh God.

After some hemming and hawing the mother wrangled her brood and brought them over to where we were sitting.

I was horrified.

"Ok guys. Ya ready???"

I glanced at my phone. It was 8:15. Shouldn't children be in bed by now? Not out singing to strangers?! 

"The Wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The Wheels on the bus go round and round. All through town. The windows on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The windows on the bus go up and down all though towwwwwn."

Ok fine it was cute. I decided to give them a standing O "YAAAAAAAAAY! Oh how wonder-"

"The driver on the bus goes sit right down. Sit right down. Sit right down. The driver on the bus..."

"....ful...UGH!!!!"

"....goes sit right down. Aaaaaal throooooooooough tooooooooooooooooooooown."

CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. "Great job you guys!"

"The mother on the bus shoes shhh shhh shhhh, shhh shhh shhh...."

You've. Got. To. Be. Shitting. Me. Who else is on this Gdamn bus!!!??? If there is a field trip on this bus I'm killing myself with this butter knife.

"....The mother on the bus goes shhh shh shhhh alll through tooooooooown."

I held my breath, pleading to the baby Jesus that there would be no more verses of The Wheels on the Bus. He answered my prayers. But then we had to clap and catch the air kisses given to us by the little toddler child.

If Jack Bauer ever needs to resort to extreme torture to get information out of someone I recommend The Wheels on the Bus.