Oh. My. Gawd. Did you see the Real Housewives of NJ throw down last night? I did and let me tell you something. I loved every minute of it.
Let's recap the housewives shall we?
Dina
The blond Italian bombshell who is sisters with Caroline (see below). She's finally gotten her career off the ground (celebrity interior decorator...) but suddenly realizes that she doesn't want to miss any of her 12 year old daughter Lexi growing up. As it is she turned around and "Lexi already had tits."
Aaaaw. Love you too mom!
PS. Dina's husband who supposedly married her for her face is never in the picture. According to Dina they've been married for three years and the amount of time they've seen each other has equaled 2 weeks. My guess is that he's out working to make all of the money she spends.
Whatever. I still want her hair.
Caroline
Dina's big sister and the only Housewife who can claim that her bubbies are real.
Caroline is like the mob-boss of the entire group. This title is solidified when she dead-pans to Danielle, "Let me tell you something about my family, we're tick as teeves."
Tony Soprano ain't got nothing on sweet Caroline.
Jacqueline
Jacqueline is married to Dina and Caroline's brother Chris who I like totally want to marry. Chris is so hot. He's got this sweet mountain man-like quality to him. I could totally see us catching baseball games together and me baking him scotch-a-roos.
Um. Anyway.
Jacqueline is super sweet and is the only one who is nice to skeezy Danielle (below). I think Jacqueline is totally beautiful but she just needs to get those bubbies taken out. She's super tiny but the boobs make her look bigger than she is. I'd totally kill for her legs though.
Teresa
Teresa, who's phrase to live by is "happy wife, happy life" is my absolute favorite housewife. Love Love Love her. She's got the accent, the hair and she is in love with the fact that she's a hardcore Jersey girl.
I loved the episode where Teresa was like "My husband Joe is just so gorgeous with his big arms. He's just so big and juicy. Oh I love him!"
And the museum that she and Joe built is out of this world. Teresa just goes around all day spending money and watching after her three little girls. I'm sure she does other things besides that but if she only spent money all day I'd have no problem stepping in for her.
Danielle
Doesn't she just look like a needle filled with Botox??
The one thing that always got me about Danielle, besides her incredible narcissism, is her eyebrows. Like, is she aware that her eye brows start at the middle of her nose and go up to the center of her forehead?
No one likes poor Danielle except Jacqueline who met D$ while getting her hair done. Apparently Danielle talked the entire time and within 5 minutes Jackie felt like she knew everything there was to know about D. Well duh. The woman doesn't shut up about herself.
The Episode
So last night we're introduced to Teresa's new house and her new rack (girl got implants in the previous episode). While showing Dina around her new digs (ps how funny was the part where Dina was like "what the hell is that smell? I can't breathe!" hahahah) Teresa decides that she wants to have a house-warming party. But it won't actually be in the new house because it's not fully ready yet so Teresa is just going to invite all of her friends to her favorite restaurant.
Oooookaaaaaay....??
She then drops the bomb on Dina that she fully intends on extending an invitation to Danielle. Even though everyone would rather see her get a stiletto to the eye than sit at a dinner table with her.
But "Teresa isn't a cruel person so she's going to invite her anyway."
Effing love it.
A few more things happen throughout the episode. Dina's daughter Lexi suddenly becomes too cool for stuffed animals and cleans out her bedroom, removing 7 plastic bags full of stuffed friends from under her bed. Dina, naturally, blames the help.
"This is what happens when you have a housekeeper who vacuums under your bed instead of doing it yourself. You find out that your daughter has 7 bags full of stuffed animals."
Sure. BLAME the maid!
Then we see that Caroline has an attack dog. Apparently the dog is for crazy fans or way-ward friends who get too close to the house. The dog will viciously gut you, spilling your intestines onto the pristine marble floor if you so much as go to give Caroline the thumbs-up.
After a demonstration where the German Shepherd nearly rips a guys arm off, Caroline coos to the beast, "Good boy! You're a good boy!"
Fast-forward to Jacqueline who's 17-year old daughter Ashley is a total brat. Home girl is mean to her mother and flunked school so she had to go to summer school. Flunking school? Doing "Ok" in summer school? Being disrespectful to her mother? What's the only natural thing to do? Why buy her a brand new, tricked out car of course!!!
Even after Jacqueline's army colonel dad said to not give her the car they did it anyway. *Sigh* They are just too nice.
Oh then we have Danielle who used to be a "model" back in the day who was arrested for possession and changed her name because of the arrest. This woman has two children btdubbs.
Anyway so Danielle accosts her poor daughters who are 10 and 14 who are both forced to listen to their mother tell stories of her modeling hay-days. For five excruciating minutes we see as Danielle flips through a photo-album of what you think might be pictures of her and her girls who "mean the world to her" but instead they are pictures of her modeling.
While flipping through the pages she says, "And here I am 11 weeks after giving birth."
The daughters stare blankly at their mother and proclaim, "Wow. Your photos are racy!"
AKA: You're a ho-bag mom.
So the scene with the dinner party begins. The booze are flowing, everyone is in a good mood, Teresa is telling a story about how her husband wanted to have sex with her maybe 5 hours after she had her implants put in. Everyone is in a jolly good mood.
Then Danielle walks in. Of course she's late. Her two daughters are lagging behind her looking as if they'd rather have bamboo shoots shoved up their fingernail beds than be at this party.
So again, everyone is in a good mood then Danielle reaches down and puts "
The Book" on the table.
Apparently Danielle's first ex-husband wrote this book and it tells a bunch of lies but one main truth about how she was arrested. Because of her arrest she changed her name. Danielle thinks that Dina spread the book around town to ruin her reputation. Dina says she didn't. Danielle apparently thought it was a good idea to bring the book with her and confront everyone about it.
You know the show's producers were like, "Ok. Danielle. We'll give you an extra 50K if you throw the book on the table and start going at it with everyone."
I'd do it.
At first everyone is incredulous and has the "Oh no she di'in't" look on their faces.
Then the tempers start to flare. Everyone is yelling back and forth. Caroline presides over the shit show and tells everyone to let Danielle speak and have her peace.
Danielle speaks. No one cares. She basically calls Teresa dumb and then Teresa flips a table over. It took two tries but she eventually got the table fully flipped over.
Here is a scene before Teresa's big Hulk moment (
notice her big juicy hubby Joe):
I can't find a picture of her after the table flip so if you want to see it go and Youtube it. Trust me. It was hilarious. The best part of the whole thing? Joe shielding Teresa after she went bananas, grabbing her face and kissing her. He was just like "I love my table flipping wife!"
And all the while all of their respective children are in the room looking around like, "uuuhhh," and one kid even mutters, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawkward!!"
Finally everyone leaves with nothing really resolved. Danielle blames Dina for spreading the book around Franklin Lakes, but like any good leader, Caroline takes the fall for it, telling Danielle that it was her who spread the book around town. I mean Danielle would rather take Dina than Caroline so I'm sure she'll back off now.
All I care about is when the next season starts!