Your Girlfriend is Ugly

The cry of (Lisa) the cicadas

A couple of weeks ago I was circling around Hoboken for a parking spot. The radio was turned off so the only thing I could hear was the low hum of Suzi's A/C. As I barreled down Bloomfield and took a left onto 11th street I noticed a steady hum.

"What the hell is that noise?" I said to aloud. To myself.

I rolled the window down and it sounded like Jimmeny Cricket was having a cricket party in the Playboy Grotto.

"Huh..." I rolled the window back up and went on my merry way.

This past Sunday I arrived home from the Cape when I noticed something in my foyer; a bug that was toes up .I knew it wasn't a roach (thank God. I'd have moved out of that place sooner than you can say Hermes) because the belly was white and it had these blazing red eyes.

I mulled it over for a second and then a light went off in my brain: CICADAS!

It all made sense! The constant humming, the GROSS looking bodies with the huge eyes. Hoboken had cicadas!

I grabbed a broom from my kitchen and swept the little bugger out onto the sidewalk (not without a grand display of multiple ew! ew! ews! and OMGs! from me)

After I sent the bug carcass to his (her?) cement grave I hopped on my Mac Book to do some research. I thought cicadas only came out like every 17 years so of course they'd have to be rising from the ground the summer I move to Hoboken right?

I couldn't find any information about the cicadas and Hoboken. The only cicada related link was a listing for the Golden Cicada Tavern in Jersey City. I found this odd because last summer Cape Cod was riddled with cicadas of the every-seventeen-year variety and you'd have thought WWIII had broken out. Every major news station, newspaper and blog were buzzing about the critters.

Not finding any information I just chalked it up to a random incident and once again went on my merry way.

So last night I am once again circling for a parking spot (it blows to park in Hoboken btdubbs) and the humming sound is just too much for me to deal with. As I was walking down Bloomfield I looked to my left and there was a lost cicada chilling on the sidewalk.

"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" I screamed and scuttled away. Once I caught my breath I saw a woman sitting on her stoop, looking longingly up into the night sky.

"Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

"Mmmmmm?"

"That noise? Is that...are those like...cicadas?"

"Yeah!"

"REALLY? There are cicadas in Hoboken?"

"Yes. Isn't the noise they make lovely?"

Naturally I get the only hippy dippy in Hoboken who actually thinks cicada infestations are "lovely."

"Have a nice night," I said and continued the walk down Bloomfield to my apartment. I avoided every tree because I was nervous one was going to latch onto my purse and follow me all the way home.

As I made my way up to my front door I saw it, a sluggish cicada pimping around my front foyer.

"OMG!!! EW EW EWEWEWEWEWEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW-AH!!!"

People were staring at me but I didn't care. I do not do bugs. Give me rats. Give me mice. I can't handle bugs of any variety.

I stood on my stoop whimpering, staring at the index finger sized cicada traipsing around the tile of my front entry way.

"Ooooooh. How am I going to get iiiiiiiiiiiiiin???" I wiggled in place. People looking at me probably thought I was doing the pee-pee dance.

I was out on the steps for about five minutes, keeping my eyes firmly planted on the critter when a girl slowed down in front of my stoop.

I launched myself at her, "OMG!!!! DO YOU LIVE HERE!!??!?!!?!?!?!?"

"Uuuuhm. My boyfriend does? Why?"

"There is a GIANT cicada in the foyer and EWWWWWWWWWWWWW it's sooo grossssss-ah!!! OMG EW! IT JUST MOVED!! EW EW EW EW!!!"

Folks. I am not embellishing. I was this dramatic and horrifying.

"O-oohkay. So how about I go in first, open the door and you run in."

"OK!"

The girl went ahead of me and punched in the code to open the front door. She held it open and stared at me in anticipation.

"Ok...come on...."

"Ew I can't. It's so gross."

"You can do it..."

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I hate bugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss."

I was totally petrified of the cicada latching on to me but my need for a glass of Malbec out weighed my fear so I ran up the stairs (Lisa does not run) and catapulted myself through the front door. Once safely inside I looked out into the foyer and saw that indeed the cicada was still lazily walking around.

I turned to the girl who had saved my life.

"Thanks so much!"

"No problem."

"Sorry...bugs just REALLY GROSS ME OUT!" I said....awkwardly. Like she really needed further explanation. I acted like I was jumping through blazing fire hoops instead of walking past a harmless bug.

I wish someone would tell me when cicada season was over in Hoboken.

Shoosh girl

After arriving home from a long drive back to Hoboken from Boston I decided to stop into my favorite manicure spot to give my nail beds a much needed primping session at New Dr. Nails on Washington Street. (Random, I know. What happened to the Old Dr. Nails?)

Let the record show that I hate waiting for a manicure at my manicure place. I have been going there faithfully every Monday since May! How dare they make me wait. I'm a regular! I should be allowed to cut the line.

Anyway so I'm sitting on the row of chairs, my Essie Flirty Fuchsia beside me on the table when I decide to take a call from Krystal. Now, I realize I'm loud. I have a loud laugh, I talk loudly and when I'm cheering for the Red Sox you can hear my "HELLYEAHS!!!" from space. But if there is one thing I can't stand it's loud cell phone talkers. So I'm always very cognizant of my decibel level when I'm on a cell phone in a public place.

After about 5 seconds Krystal and I realized we had a bad connection so I told her I'd call her later. In the time it took for me to call her back, an older woman in her late 40's took the seat next to me. I didn't notice her before but apparently she had come from the pedicure station. She looked like the Maxine lady with Betty White's hair do. I decided to call Krystal back while my nail lady was doing my cuticles.

I was very discreet on the phone. I was speaking lowly into the little microphone on my ear piece while Krystal and I talked about her latest boy escapades.

My nail lady was putting on the polish and I noticed it was matte.

"Hold on Krys....Hi, um is this a matte color?"

"Si."

"Oh I don't like that. Do you mind if I get another color?"

"Si, si."

I jumped over to the color wall and picked out a bright pink you could see from Mars. I was just settling myself back into my chair when the older woman said, "Excuse me?"

I turned to her with a smile on my face, expecting her to compliment my shirt or my glasses (everyone loves my Salvatore's).

"Do you mind keeping it down?"

Uh. Oh no that bitch didn't. I gaped at her for a few seconds then said nothing and went back to my conversation with Krystal.

This clam had hit a nerve. My entire life I've been told, I'm too loud and that I need to use my indoor voice. With the exception of cheer leading, no one saw the use for a boisterous Lisa. But I am always quiet on my phone! It's one thing I try really hard at! Krystal kept talking about her boy escapades and I kept seething. My blood was boiling. Then I noticed that two Amazonian Swedish looking girls were gabbing away RATHER LOUDLY in the chairs behind us.

"Krys hold on..." I leaned into the clam lady, "Are you doing to tel those two to be quiet as well?"

"YOU WERE BEING LOUD!"

"No. I don't think I was."

"Oh yes you were! While you were laughing everyone was looking at you."

"That's because I'm funny!"

"Lees...what's going on," asked Krystal.

"Some woman just told me to be quiet!"

*GASP* "No she didn't!"

"Yes! She did! Can you believe the nerve of people!"

"It's not like you're in a spa! You're in a nail salon."

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii know! And she's telling me to be quiet while there are 5 other people in here gabbing away!"

I was talking about this woman as she sat less than a foot away from me. I caught her reflection in the mirror and she appeared to be meditating. I also caught the eye of the lady doing her nails and she twirled her finger in a circular motion around her ear as if to say, "You ok. Dis lady clazy!"

About five minutes later I hung up with Krystal and went to dry. Naturally Crazy Clam Shoosher Lady sat directly in front of me as she dried. I stared her down the entire time. She either kept her eyes closed or looked the other way.

I was dry before her so I gathered my purse and keys, said thank you to the ladies and before I exited I leaned down close to the Clam who had her eyes closed and said, "You should probably stay indoors. This isn't communist China."

You know I'm going to see her mental ass everywhere I go in Hoboken from now on.

Ins and outs of ear candling

What's more fun than shoving a hollow piece of bees wax in your ear canal?

Click here to read about my ear candling experience on Daily Makeover!

Xx

The Proposal

The Setting

An IM conversation via JDate taking place on a MacBook in Hoboken

The Players

A Jewish Marketer and a Catholic (willing to convert) Italian. This is the first time they've talked on IM.

HimJew - "Hi there."

HerWannabeJew - "Hey how are you?"

HimJew - "Doing well. Just got in from a stressful day."

HerWannabeJew - "What do you do?"

HimJew - "Marketing for a liquor company."

HerWannabeJew - "Well at least the perks are good!"

HimJew - "Haha. True!"

The conversation progresses into HimJew asking HerWannabeJew what she does for work which then progresses into "where are you from" and since HerWannabeJew is from Boston the conversation leads into a heated but cute debate about the Red Sox vs. The Yankees. Both participants live in Hoboken, NJ.

HerWannabeJew doesn't put much stock into IM conversations on dating websites but is having a good time talking to this seemingly normal, stable, not poor or hobbit-like guy.

HimJew - "So you're liking Hoboken?"

HerWannabeJew - "Yeah it's a fun place. I still have a lot more places I want to try out though."

This would've been a good time for HimJew to say, "Well where would you like to go? Maybe I can take you out and show you around?" But instead...

HimJew - "So what are you looking for on Jdate?"

HerWannabeJew - "Well I'm new to the area so I'm looking for someone to explore with. Meet new people..."

HimJew - "So you're into new things?"

HerWannabeJew - "Sure! What did you have in mind."

HimJew - "Well I'm thinking you and I could maybe get together from time to time and enjoy some adult fun."

HerWannabeJew - "Hmm...You mean like a fuck buddy?"

HimJew - "Sure. If that's how you want to put it. I think you and I together would be amazing fuck buddies."

HerWannabeJew - "You don't say..."

HimJew - "Yeah. My best sexual experiences have been with non-Jewish girls."

HerWannabeJew - "Really? Are you looking to date a non-Jewish girl?"

Himjew - "Oh no. They have to be born and raised Jewish. But you seem cute and fun so I figured I'd see if you were interested."

Oh the cross I bear...

My Blond Makeover Part 5

Remember when I started my blond makeover back in February??

I'm currently on step 5 of the lightening process! Head over to These Lips Are Made For Glossin' on Dailymakeover.com to read all about it! I have before and afters to share as well. It's kind of hilarious to see what I used to look like!

Click here to be directed to Dailymakeover.com