Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Back by poplar demand...MATTEO FEINBERG!!

After the amazing response my cousin Matty received on his gerbil blog I decided to have him write another guest post. This kid is blowing up! Eventually we'll have to get him his own blog.

I flunked a test today!!!!!

My dad bought some apple cider today and when I got home from school I had a full glass. Just as I started drinking I remembered that I had to pee. I brought the apple cider into the bathroom with me (to stop my older brother Ben from drinking it) and thought I would try and experiment. While I was peeing, I began to drink the cider expecting my pee to continue until I was done with the large glass of apple cider.

It didn't work though...I'm still trying to figure out why...hmmm?

I came out of the bathroom with my big glass of apple cider and just my pants on. My mom looked at me and asked what I was up to. When I told her what I was trying to accomplish she laughed.

New ink!

Here is a picture of my new tattoo:

It means "Never Say Never" in Italian and I got it two weeks ago when I was in LA visiting my BFF from College. No it didn't hurt that badly. The only place I was in pee your pants pain was when our artist Taku did the D. But other than that it was just a really annoying feeling.

The entire tattoo process took exactly 10 minutes. The process of perfecting the font and placement took about an hour.

I'm super happy with it! What do get for my next one!! :)

Brazilian in the 'burbs

This weekend I was up in the 'burbs of NJ with my sister visiting our friend Ali and her baby. It had been a while since we all visited and with everyone's schedules this is the only date we could get together until after Christmas. We booked spa appointments for Saturday as part of my sister's birthday present. In addition to a facial I also had Ali  book me a Brazilian wax. I hadn't had one since before my move to NJ (like since May) and I was way overdue. I felt like every time I took my pants off "WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE" would come blasting out of my crotch.

Jodi, the nice aesthitician greeted me and off we went to the little room complete with eucalyptus plants and zen, waterfally music. Normally when you get a wax they have you put on this disposable underwear. I think this is dumb. I mean you're getting your entire "area" waxed. The jigg is up! Now is not the time to be a prude.

"I usually don't do the disposable underwear," said Jodi.

"Oh. Neither do I. I mean what's to hide!"

"Ha! I know. Ok so this isn't your first time at the rodeo?"

"No. I've had one before." I then glanced down and gave Jodi a sheepish look. "Although by the looks of things you'd never know it."

"Oh it's fine. I've seen worse"

I laid down on the table and Jodi went about her business on my business. We got to the part that makes it an actual Brazilian.

"Do you want me on all fours?"

"No. What I usually do is have you hug your knees to your chest. This avoids you having you to get on all fours."

Right. Because this is way LESS awkward than going on all fours.

So there I am, in the Happy Baby pose:

And I am trying desperately not to let one rip in Jodi's face. In case you're wondering this is a really good ab workout! The next day I woke up and was totally in pain but in a good way in my abs.

But I digress. Every few minutes I kept getting a cramp in my hip so I had to relax myself. And one time I didn't give Jodi the heads up and relaxed my leg before all of the wax had been removed so I was sticking to myself for a little bit.

She finished and I could finally put my legs down.

"Ok," she chirped, "Now I'm going to have you roll over onto your stomach and hold your backside apart so I can get the rest of the hair."

"Oh. We're not done. Ok."

I flipped over and reached around to pull my cheeks apart.

Ever tried this? Yeah. It's not easy. Not easy for a second. Especially not easy when you're sweaty and your hands keep slipping off of your butt.

In all of my awkwardness I actually blurted out, "This part actually doesn't bother me. In fact I kind of like it!"

I could actually feel Jodi cringe. I mean...it's true. But like, reel it in Lisa. REEL IT IN.

It's a good thing that isn't my regular waxing place. I'm sure Jodi will be happy to never have to deal with me again.

The Target Story: Rosemarie's side of the story

This is a guest blog from my HLP (Heterosexual Life Partner) Rosemarie Catherine Doherty. Or just Rose. She wrote story from her POV. In a few days I'll follow up with mine. ENJOY!

One Night HLP and I had some time to kill before we headed over to a party at a friends house. We didn't want to arrive too early so we decided to stop at the Target Greatland that was right by their house. A friend of mind had just had a baby girl and of course I wanted to buy some new outfits for her. As we entered the store I realized that I left my phone in the car and mumbled to Lisa that I didn't have my cell.

Now. We all know how Lisa does not do babies so as I headed to the infant section she said she was going to wander around pajamas. Between the racks of pink and blue onesies I hear:

"Rose!.....Rose...."

"Yeah? I'm right here."

I peeked through the baby clothes and saw Lisa taking off in the other direction with our red cart.

"Lisa. Lisa!" I yelled but she kept going. I thought it was fine and that we'd eventually find each other when I was done.

A few minutes later, armed with really cute baby outfits, I set out to look for her. How hard could it be? Just look for the girl with the long black coat

I started out towards the storage section. This is where I had seen her last. No Lisa. I headed to bedding. No Lisa. Did I mention this was a Target GREATLAND?! I headed to home cleaning since I know how much she likes to admire the Method products. No Lisa. Up the aisles through kitchen ware. No Lisa.

"Where the hell is she!" I muttered to myself. I started to head back towards the baby section and through the clothing. I stopped in the middle of the store and looked around. Every girl was wearing a long black puffy coat. It was winter after all.

I was starting to get annoyed. I headed up towards the front of the store and stopped at socks, peered through belts and meandered through jewelry. No Lisa. I started to make my way towards the registers when I heard a man's voice on the loudspeaker.

"ATTENTION TARGET SHOPPERS...WILL ROSEMARY DOHERTY PLEASE REPORT TO GUEST SERVICES."

Oh. My. God. No she did not. NO SHE DID NOT JUST HAVE ME PAGED AT TARGET. I laughed out loud to myself. Two seconds later I reached the front of the store and there standing by the register is HLP reading a magazine. We had been 10 feet from each other when she had me paged.

We looked at each other and immediately started dying laughing. 

"I cannot believe you did that HLP!" I said.

"I couldn't find you. I kept texting you telling you where I was."

"I told you I left my phone in the car!"

"I didn't hear you."

"And he didn't even get my name right. He said ROSEMARY!"

"I totally told him Rosemarie."

We giggled the whole way out the store.