Your Girlfriend is Ugly

What the True Blood?

** Spoiler Alert: If you haven't watched True Blood then don't read this blog. Perhaps go on to read one of my other gems instead**

Ok so last night I finished Season 1 of True Blood. Once the screen faded to black I was left feeling pissed off, bewildered, dirty and annoyed that I listened to all of the hype of people saying how "AH-MAAAAAAAAAAAAZING the show is."

Not only did the show not get interesting until the second to last episode of the Season, but in the finale they killed off my favorite character; short-order cook/drug dealer by day and gigolo by night, Lafayette.

Now, I love me some Alan Ball. He created Six Feet Under which will forever be one of the best shows to grace television. So obviously when I hear he has come up with another show for cable I'm pumped. Since I don't have HBO I have to go through a year of people telling me how amazing True Blood is and how it's the best show ever.

Finally, two weeks ago it arrived from my Netflix. I watched the pilot immediately and was taken aback by how shitty it was.

Everyone kept telling me, it gets better, it gets better. So I continued to watch. Now I don't know if it's Stephen Moyer's quasi-receding hair line or the fact that I think Sookie is a weird name and would really like to understand if it is short for something, but I can't get into these characters. 

I mean does anyone else go into giggle fits when Stephen Moyer growls "Sookaaaaaaaaaaaaaay."

It's just...I can't...It's just not sexy. Him and Sookie together are just not sexy.

I get more turned on by watching the kissing scenes in The Vampire Diaries on the kid-friendly CW than I do watching the porny-vampire sex on True Blood. 

The only characters I actually care about are Tara and Sam. I'm super curious to see what happens between them and also what the deal is with this Maryann lady and how she knows about Sam and his shape-shifting. So for all of my bitching, chances are that I'll watch Season 2 but not because I think the show is amazing or sexy or ground breaking.

I just checked my Netflix Queue and I see that I have the final season of The Shield on deck! There is a show to watch people!!

My 5 seconds of fame on Good Morning America

Oh what's up National TV!?

Yesterday I went to see New Moon at the Lincoln Center Lowe's on the Upper West Side with LK and Abery. Since it was opening weekend we arrived 2 hours early for the 4:45 show. I don't mess around with opening weekends.

I left LK and Abery downstairs while I did some recon upstairs at the Customer Service booth. I wanted to see what time we should be lining up for the show.

The CS woman glanced at the clock which displayed 2:54. "Come back 40 minutes prior to the movie. You'll be fine."

As I rode the escalators downstairs back to my friends I noticed a girl in her late 20's staring at me. I stared back.

As I went to turn left the girl started talking to me. "Hi. Did you just see a movie?"

"Uh no. But I am seeing New Moon in two hours!"

"Did you see the first one?"

"Twilight? Um like 800 times."

*chuckle* "Would you like to answer some questions for me?"

"Um....sure?"

The girl could see my confused look. "I'm a producer for ABC News."

"Oh! Well in that case SURE!!!"

"Great!"

"Wait can I grab my friends?"

"Yeah. That'd be great."

I ran over to LK and Abery. "Guys. A producer from ABC wants to talk to us about New Moon. Come on!"

"Oh. Oh no. No no no. Absolutely not."

"What?! It's TV!!!"

"No no. We'll come with you but we're not going on camera."

"Fine."

I went out to where the news team was standing. A clean cut guy in a Burnt Sienna crew neck was eagerly waiting for me.

"Hi. I'm Bradley."

"Hey Bradley."

"So we're going to ask you a few questions about the sexuality of Twilight."

"Sounds good."

"Ok now just talk to me."

"K."

"So, the author of the Twilight Series, Stephanie Meyer downplays the sexuality of the books. Do you think this adds or takes away from the movies?"

"I think it's fine. The kind of downplayed sexual tension definitely adds to the movie because you're just waiting for something to happen because their love is SOOOOOOOOOOO forbidden.

"Do you think parents like the fact that the films aren't overly sexual?"

"I think so. I mean I don't have kids myself but I know that if you want to watch people tearing their clothes off you could just turn on the CW."

*big smile. chuckle* "Yes. Shows with vampires do tend to be very sexual don't they? Why is that?"

"I don't know. Maybe because they are so powerful? But yes vampires tend to have sex attached to them. I mean look at True Blood. That's like soft-porn!"

*pause, smile* "Ok. Well said. Thank you very much!"

"No problem!"

Click the link below to see the full segment. I'm at the 2:01 mark but to get the gist of what I'm saying I recommend watching the full clip. I have to say, my sound bite is pretty profound. And uh, er the camera definitely adds 10 pounds. At least I hope!

Lisa on Good Morning America!

Not your average bowling alley

Last week I was in China for work. I specify "for work" because people ask me if I went for business or pleasure. I have to wonder who would ever to go China for pleasure? China is right up there with Iraq and Uganada for places I'd never ever want to visit unless absolutely necessary. 

So yes, I was in China for work. I started off in Shanghai, flew down to Southern China and ended my trip in Hong Kong. I don't know how to explain the three different parts of China so I'll break it down by how much I was stared at on a scale of 1-10:

Shanghai: 7.5

Southern China (Shenzhen, Dongguan): 25

Hong Kong: 0 (there are so many foreigners there that it looks like New York)

I asked my native Chinese colleague if I was being gawked at because of my blond hair and he said, "Yes. And also because you're clearly not from here." Score one for the blond highlights!

While I was in Southern China (which is very poor and filled with people who work in the factories. You're very aware of yourself when you're there. Also it was hot as hell. Shanghai was a balmy 55 degrees while Shenzhen was pushing 100.) I told my colleague that I wanted to try real authentic Southern Chinese food so we asked the concierge where to go and she suggested a place right across the street.

Because the drivers are so crazy and you're playing with your life if you don't cross at a crosswalk, my co-worker and I walked about 200 yards to the crosswalk so we wouldn't be mowed down by a 13 year old driving a wooden cart with a Ford motor attached to it. As we waited for the light to change I noticed a bowling alley. It was a building that had pictures of bowling balls and billiards on it as well as a fence surrounding it made out of bowling pins so I assumed it was a bowling alley.

 "Rubin!" I exclaimed to my colleague, "There's a bowling alley!"

"Yeah."

"We're going there after we eat."

"Ok. I never bowled before."

"WHAT?!??!!" I shouted (if we weren't be stared at before you can bet we were now).

"Yeah. Never."

"Um. Ok we're going after dinner."

"Ok." Like he even had a choice.

After choking down tofu topped with 89 pounds of chillies and prawns on a stick we walked towards the bowling alley.

"How exciting. Aren't you excited to bowl? You know they make you wear funny shoes."

"Yeah."

As we neared the entrance Rubin started to mutter something in Chinese.

"Aaaaah Lisa. I don't think this is the type of place you want to go into."

"Huh?"

"Stay here."

Rubin walked up to a guy who looked like a security guard. Security? For bowling?

Then I shifted my gaze towards the front door and saw two rows of girls on either side of the entrance.

"Oh my....."

"Lisa we need to go. This not a bowling alley."

"Rubin. Is that a....are those prostitutes??!"

"Yeah."

"Wait. Like real prostitutes?"

"Yeah. Guy can walk in there and choose whatever girl he likes."

"OH MY GOD!"

"They don't have this in US?"

"Um no. It's illegal."

"The hotel we are staying at right now offers the same service."

"Wait. You mean I can call the front desk and tell them to send me up a man and they will?"

"Yeah. Did you see your bedside table?"

I assumed Rubin meant the rack of condoms.

 

_{Shoot. All we get is a Bible.}

I just guessed it meant the Chinese were pro-safe sex what with the One Kid rule and all. I didn't think it meant Pro-prostitutes!

"Oh god! Rubin what kind of place are we staying in?!"

"Out of all the hotels in Dongguan area this was the nicest and had best reviews!"

"So I guess we're not going bowling then?"

"Yeah."