Your Girlfriend is Ugly

China 2009 Recap: Food and Facilities

In addition to scoping out whore houses while on my business trip to China, I also came in contact with some veeeeeerrrrrry traditional Chinese things.

The Food

I don't know why but last year when I went I feel like I didn't eat that much weird stuff. This year I went to the Far East with every intention of trying anything put in front of me.

First up? Frogs!

My colleague Rubin, met me at my hotel after I landed and took me out for a welcome dinner. Rubin asked if I wanted to try frog. Not one to shy away from new things I enthusiastically replied, "SURE!"

A few minutes later our food came out and with it a sort of frog bouillabaisse.

"Rubin. Is that the frog?"

"Yeah."

I reached my chopsticks in for a piece and picked up a frog spine.

"GAH!!!"

"What's wrong?"

"It's frog spine!"

"Is good!" And with that Rubin picked up the frog spine and deposited it in his mouth, sucking off the meat and discarding the bone on his side plate.

"Oh god..."

"What?"

"It's just....it's a frog."

"Yeah?"

"I mean..."

"Why do you think it is so weird?"

"I don't know..."

"We eat this all the time here."

I didn't want to be rude. When in China, do as the Chinese do. So I fished around in the bowl for some boneless pieces of frog and finally tried one. Pretty delicious actually. A little chewier than chicken but I definitely see the similarities.

Now the fare in Southern China is a little bit more unconventional. They still munch on bull frogs and turtles but they get into a whole other realm with snakes and other amphibious creatures.

I couldn't get used to the snakes. I wish I knew how to post videos on this thing because I got a nice close up of one getting really pissed off at me and hissing. He was not into being eaten.

Oh what's up Mr. Crocodile.Check this shit out! Just a live croc. Chilling. Right in front of me. I mean he was tethered but he could still move. And during my intense nervous giggle fit he actually reared his ugly head my way and basically gave me a look as to say, "Either order me for lunch or shut the fuck up."  I turned on my Tory Burch heels and ran straight into the van to take me back to the factory.

"Sometimes I feel like...somebody's watching meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." I mean are there really words for this?

Check out the HUGE CLAMS! Or geoducks (pronounced gooey duck) as they are technically called. YUM. All I want to do is boil those bitches up and dunk them in some butter. Woo-ha!

Prawns.We have these in the US except the are shell-less. And eyeball-less. We call them shrimp. They were good except when I went to rip the head off a brown chunky substance would squirt all over me. I couldn't master the art of NOT getting squirted so eventually I had to wear a bib to keep myself looking presentable.

PS: Prawns make your fingers orange. Super hot.

The dish below looks heinous but trust me when I tell you it was DELICIOUS. It's soft shell crab with this lovely spicy dipping sauce and pumpkin fries. This was my first quasi-normal meal in Hong Kong.

There are stores in Dongguan that are similar to our Wal-Marts here in the states. Except in China you can get some spicy chicken feet with your toilet paper!

This was only one vat of chicken feet. There was also one that was in a red sauce and one in a white sauce. I actually saw someone munching on one of these while on the train with Rubin. He squirted spicy mustard on top and noshed on it the entire 45 minute ride. I couldn't stop staring.

Oh what's up chicken wing! Any one order half a wing with their soup?

Goose in Dongguan. Totally yummy. The sauce was sweet and the broccoli was nice and garlicky.

Goose intestines.

I know what you're thinking, "SICK." That was my first thought, followed by, "OMG I can't eat this." But again, I don't like to be rude in foreign countries, especially when the hosts are so excited to have you and they are really excited about showcasing their food. So, I strapped on my balls and grabbed some slivers with my chopsticks.

The texture was weird. Like tongues almost. But the flavor was good; nice and smokey.And when you took a chopstick full of the sprouts with the intestines you couldn't even really feel the bizarre texture.

If you've ever traveled to China or Eastern Europe you've seen the gem below. Yes folks, that is a toilet in the floor that you have to squat over, a la a professional baseball catcher.

 

This picture was taken at a factory I was visiting. I asked where the restroom was because I had to go to the bathroom. Like, not just go to the bathroom, I had to go to the bathroom. (The coffee in China is like drinking jet fuel.) The nice sales lady lead me to the door and I opened the stall and whimpered.

How was I supposed to go to the bathroom with that? I stood in the corner eyeing my option. There was certainly no way in hell I was squatting over that thing. How do I get my pants off? What if I missed?! Oh the horror.

I hung out in the bathroom for a few seconds and then made my way back to the conference room. I didn't want anyone thinking I was a sissy. Even though I totally was. 

Our meeting ended and we headed to lunch. I was with my colleague Rubin and one of the guys from the factory who didn't speak any English. (Lunch was at the restaurant with the crocodile, snakes, geoducks, fish heads and goose intestines.)

After my very authentic Southern China meal I still had to go to the bathroom, so I asked Rubin to ask someone if they could find me a normal toilet. 

I was sitting alone at the table, with 4 pairs of discarded prawn eyes staring at me when I noticed a commotion. I looked over and there were about 5 people talking loudly in Chinese and gesturing wildly at me and at a door on the opposite side of the restaurant. I bowed my head, slunk down in my chair and kept tapping away on my Blackberry.

Finally the waitress for our table gestured that I follow her.

"Lisa, she gonna bring you to a normal toilet."

"Thanks Rubin."

The waitress and I walked for probably five minutes. Down a few long hallways, up a flight of stairs and through a door. Finally she brought me to the infamous normal toilet. There was no toilet paper. I opened the door and the waitress was stationed outside.

I grinned sheepishly, "Um. I need toilet paper."

She spoke back to me in Mandarin. She didn't speak English.

"Er...toilet paper." Then I made a motion like I was wiping my hoo-ha and bum.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Ok. Ok."

She sped off and within 5 seconds was back with a roll that had two squares on it. Super.

"Xie xie." (Thank you in Mandarin pronounced shay shay.)

She nodded and continued to wait.

"Um. You don't have to wait. You can go." I pointed to the door and smiled. 

She smiled back and waited.

"You can go." And with that I made a motion with my arms like I was diving into a pool.

She started talking to me in Mandarin and I nodded and just kept saying "xie, xie" and closed the door. I prayed that I wouldn't find her on the other side after I emerged.

And there you have it. Those are the highlights of my 2009 China trip. It's a great cultural experience but at the end of the day I'm happy for what I have here in the States and nothing warms my heart more when the Customs Agents say, "Welcome home."

Life. It's a funny thing you know.

This evening LK and I headed to Coffee Shop in Union Square for some burgers, booze and bitching.
After going 3-3, we parted ways; I bopped to the Path and she pimped to the F train.

I scored a seat and planted my iPod firmly in my ears while Lady Gaga wailed on and on about Alejandro. I decided to scope out my surrounding commuters. This is when I made eye contact with a handsome babe of a man leaning against the door adjacent to me. I stared at him. He stared back. After three seconds of solid eye contact I started to wonder what our kids would look like.

He continued to stare at me. Every time I met his gaze he'd look away.

The next thing I knew the doors were opening and everyone was filing out into the Hoboken Path station. My husband-to-be bolted up the stairs and into the crowd.

Rats.

On the ride home to my apartment I thought of my Path Lover. He was probably married. Or had a girlfriend. Or was a Giants/Yankees fan.

I continued the ruminate about our intense eye contact all through my front door and into my bathroom. As I washed my hands I met my gaze in the mirror and there, staring back at me, on the right side of my mouth was a huge orange-ish/redd-ish Heinz Ketchup stain.

"Oh. Bummer."

Path Lover wasn't staring at me because he was taken by my blond beauty, he was staring at me because he was trying to figure out if I knew how to use a goddamn napkin. He was probably wondering who my parents were and how they raised me and did they also teach me to itch my privates in public. (Sorry mom.) 

I can't blame my friend for not noticing *COUGH* LK *COUGH* because when we left the resto it was dark, but in the harsh lights of those Path Trains any imperfection is magnified. Ergo my ketchup stain probably looked like the rising sun on the Japanese flag. 

*Sigh* I'll get you next time, life.