Your Girlfriend is Ugly

The Call of the Booty

I posted this blog on Burt Reynolds' Mustache back in August of 2008. For prosterity I wanted to put it on Yourgirlfriendisugly so everyone could read it. This is not only one of my finest blogs but it also still makes me LOL to the max when I read it.

For the record, 2008 was a dark time in my life and I have since matured from when this blog was published. Kind of.

 

Aaaah yes. The booty call. The only time when a 2 a.m.text message stating, "What are you doing right now?" actually means, "I don't care what you're doing right now, come over and plow me like you would the new corn harvest."

Any other time of day this text message is innocent and a simple friendly inquiry. But because it was sent after midnight, it's a whooooooole different animal.

I have had my share of booty calls and one night stands. I went to college, I live in the world and I was 21 once. There are people out there - men and women- who have never done it and that's fine. Doesn't make you any more or less of a man/woman. But even though you feel like a dirty ho in the morning as you stare at the guy that you don't know from a ham sandwich, it's still kind of fun. I'm not going to lie.

However, my last one caused me to take pause and reevaluate the booty call situation.

I had planned on having sex with a relative of a friend. I asked the friend for permission before I got sloppy drunk and proceeded with my prowling. The friend LOL'd, said "Sure" and that was all the ammo I needed.

I already had a night out planned with HLP and Brennon. We wanted to go to Alibi but the line was too long so we decided to hit up my friends gay bar. Brennon was thrilled and HLP and I were pumped for free drinks from gay men. I texted the Sex and told him where we were going. He wasn't down with the gay bar scene and told me to sext him when I was on my way home.

Forty cocktails later, the three of us squeezed ourselves into a cab for the 5 minute ride back to my apartment. On the way back I sexted the Sex. "Meet me at my apartment in 20 mins." Well, that's what it was supposed to say. I'm sure it read, "Mweet nme in imiy appreatnment on 2c mobs."

HLP was parked at my place and she and Brennon walked me upstairs to make sure I was OK. I fell going up the stairs and then when I stumbled through the front door I fell on my bed, lifted my legs up in the air and proclaimed to the empty room to "PUT IT IN MEEEE!!!"

"Uuuuh. Are you going to be OK?"

"Oooooooooooh yesh yesh suuure suuuure. I'ww be fwein."

"Uuuuuh ok. We're gonna go."

"Byeeeeeeee..."

Twenty minutes later my Berry rang. It was the guy calling to let me know that he arrived. I had passed out waiting for the Sex to arrive.

I got up and tried to look as alluring as possible. But as soon as I opened the door and saw him standing there with a 6-pack of beer, the 3 bottles of Kettle One I had consumed suddenly hit me and I realized that I was hammered and he was stone cold sober. Not good.

See, one of the best things about the drunken booty call and/or one night stand is that you're usually just that: Drunk. So it's hot and sloppy and nasty. It's not one person being shit faced and the other person being sober. Then you get into gray areas where the words "taking advantage of" and "she sooo wanted it" come to mind.

I invited him in and we both cracked open two beers and sat on opposite ends of my couch. We talked about his apartment and his job and what I had done that night leading up to him being here. (I drank, natch). There were more lulls, more awkward silences, more sounds of beer being sipped through a long neck. Then, in one of my most stellar moves to date I said to him, "Scho...wass your favorite holiday?"

He chuckled a very snervous chuckle, "Uuuhhhmm...Halloween."

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I hate halloween. Worse holiday everrrrrrrrrrrr. Mine's the Fourth of Juwy!"

"C-cool..."

That was it. That sealed my fate. There would be no booty call action at all that night. We both finished our beers and 75 minutes after he'd arrived at my apartment he got ready to leave. I stumbled with him to the door and on the way out said to him, "Wow. Scho I guess you just wanted to 'talk' huh?" And yes, I made the air quotes as I said this.

"I'll give you a call tomorrow."

Haven't heard from him since.

A note regarding my P90X journey

You know how when you watch Serena Williams play tennis on TV and she does all of that horrific grunting? You can't help but giggle because she just sounds SO ridiculous.

Well I admit that I'm loud when I talk and laugh, but I've never been much of a grunter when it comes to any type of physical exertion. During my workouts I usually forget to breath and the veins in my neck and forehead are popping out so far they look like they could lick the celing.

So when I start my workout with Tony Horton and crew on the P90X DVDs I feel like I'm participating in some really fit, 0% body fat orgy.

First of all the music is totally porny. It's all like "uh-tis uh-tis uh-tis, chica chica chica bow..."

And to make it even more awkward you have the people working out going, "OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! OH OH OHOHOH!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Straight up moaning and groaning.

I know it's because Tony is forcing us to do one more reverse chin-up but I fear my neighbors think I'm running some sort of swingers club out of my first floor apartment.

I'm thinking of making a sign that says, "I'M NOT HAVING GROUP SEX. I'M DOING P90X!"

P90X Week 1 Recap: What the Hell?!?!

I have always had issues with weight. Back when I was a kid I black mailed my sister into telling me where the key to our freezer was so I could enjoy all of the Little Debbie Zebra cakes I wanted. (She had had boys over when my parents were out to dinner. This was a no-no). Today, at the age of 29 my arms and back are paying the price.

I first heard about P90X from my neighbors and childhood friends Keith Callahan and Kim Parker. I would hear them talk about this amazing work out that changed their lives. "Yeah ok," I thought.

Then on October 2nd, 2010 I finally saw Kim and was able to talk to her. Turns out she and I had a similar story. She always had weight issues, never thought she could be in shape and resigned herself to the fact that she'd always be big. As she was talking I took in her new physique. She looked great! She had lost 68 inches from her body and she looked fantastic. I baraged her with questions: how long are the work outs? Are they hard? (YES!) How much room do I need in my apartment? I can't do a chin up to save my life, how do I do the work out if I can't do a chin up?

Kim answered all of my questions and I figured if she can do it with two kids then what is holding me back? My overloaded DVR? After work drinks? No. I needed to change. I'd lost weight before on Weight Watchers but the second I moved to Hoboken I gained it all back and then some. I mean what do you do when you move to a new place? You go out! You eat a lot, you drink a lot. You don't make smart choices.

It was time I started to make smart choices.

The following Monday I ordered P90X. I was so excited! When it arrived I ripped open the box and drank in all of the information. What I liked about the P90X book was how it was written; informative but also with a bit of humor! It made an easy read and even though I knew this program was going to be hard as hell it put me at ease.

I started Week 1 on October 13th. After talking to my coach, Kim, I decided to start with the Lean Program. So first up? Core Synergistics.

I stood in the middle of my living room kind of whimpering. I was nervous to start. I didn't really know what to expect in terms of the work out.

What I immediately liked about Tony Horton was his demeanor. I liked how he made it OK if you needed to take a break or stretch your legs or rest.

But that's where it ended. Once we started doing Superman/Bananas I wanted the man dead; straight up murdered.

And the Dreya Roll? Is HE FOR REAL?! I tried to do it once, fell over then tried to do it again and couldn't hoist myself up because my spare tire (aka stomach roll) got in the way. And I was supposed to bang out 16 of these?

Ya. Sure.

With 20 minutes left the folks doing the workout with Tony were sweating and moaning. These people had 0%-2% body fat and they were struggling. I was a heap of sweat, snot and Lulu Lemons on my living room floor.

I was a hurting unit the next day but it was the good hurt. I powdered through Cardio X. Yes I had to pause the DVD a lot and No I couldn't do a lot of the moves that Tony and co. could do but I tried at least every move. It took me a long time to realize that it was my first week! I'm not expected to be able to do every single move.

By the end I was punching through Kenpo X and actually enjoyed it! It's a fun work out and reminds me of my days with Billy Blanks and Tae Bo :)

I'm not going to lie. I was dreading week two. But read on to see how much easier it gets!