Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Not so friendly Fenway

This past weekend I was home in Boston for Father's Day. On Friday night I went with my dad to Fenway to see the Sox take on the Brewers in Inter-league play. We ended up having two extra tickets so I invited my cousin Joe, a Sophomore at BU and a friend of his to the game with us. The seats were basically right on the field and I knew that they'd have a great time.

The game was fantastic. Even if you're not a huge Red Sox fan, or even a baseball fan you have to love Fenway Park; the history, the Green Monstah, the seats that barely fit my ass in them because they were built before donuts were invented. A game at Fenway is always a memorable one.

Sitting behind us were four guys; two older, two younger. They were nice enough. Talked a little too much for my taste but at least they were talking about sports and they knew what they were talking about.

At one point the guy sitting directly behind my dad started up a conversation with us. We learned that he was from the Cape, was a developer and really REALLY liked to talk about himself. Total blowhard. I lost interest with him 5 seconds into the conversation.

Just as I was turning around to bring my attention back to the game and Jason Varitek's thighs the blowhard goes, "These your boys?" gesturing to my 20 year old cousin Joe and his roomate.

I turned around slowly.

"Excuse me?"

"Are those your sons?"

I looked at him with eyes that could've melted gold. "How the fuck old do you think I am?"

"I don't know. They look about 16."

"And you think I look old enough to have 16 year old boys?"

"I don't know."

"Then you probably shouldn't say anything. I'M ONLY 30!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I mean honestly, if I'm going to have a 16 year old when I'm 30 I would've at least made good of it by going on Teen Mom.

Bus Face Plant

A few months ago, when there was still snow on the ground, I was on the 126 bus back to Hokoken when I looked up and noticed a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery cute guy sitting across from me. He caught my eye and looked quickly away. I fiddled awkwardly with my iPod; there's nothing more mortifying than getting caught staring at someone.

As I tried to get past level 10 on Angry Birds (damn pigs!) I flicked my eyes upward and noticed cute guy staring at me. When he saw me look up, he looked away. I regarded him for a few seconds: dark hair, dark eyes, prominent nose (which I don't mind) and even though he was sitting down he appeared to be on the tall side. All good things so far.

We continued to have eye sex all the way into Hoboken. When my stop approached I reached up to hit the stop button at the same time as my bus boyfriend. We caught eyes and kind of smiled at each other.I took my headphones out in preparation to talk to him.

As our bus lurched to a stop, we both stood up and he motioned for me to go first. I lifted my eyes up in what I hoped was a seductive manner and purred "thank you" as I glided by him down the bus stairs. I was about to turn around to say something witty when next thing I know I am flying through the air onto the sidewalk.

Thanks to my puffy coat, I landed on my stomach, bounced through the air and landed on my back. Kind of like this:

Obviously eye sex bus guy wasn't a gentleman. He didn't come to see if I was OK and there is no way that he missed the girl in front of him FLYING through the air like a goddamn circus performer.

I laid there for a solid 60 seconds thinking about how very cruel the universe was indeed, when I pregnant lady wobbled by looking at me with pity.

"Are you ok?"

"Mer....mmmmmhmmm.."

"Ok. Just embarrassed right?"

"Just a little bit."

 

 

Pretty, Pretty Commuter

I'm not going to lie; by the end of the work day I look like I've wrestled an alligator. I'm disheveled: My hair is usually thrown up in a knot on top of my head, my face is shiny from sweating (yes even in the dead of winter) and running around Port Authority and my eye makeup smudged from rubbing my eyes in frustration. I basically look something like this:

So when I see a girl walk past me on the E train at 5pm and she looks like she just stepped out of her house from getting ready, all perfect hair and dewy complexion, I think two things:

1.) She doesn't work
2.) There is a secret agency that hires girls just like her to walk around in high traffic areas during rush hour looking perfect to make me feel bad. Like right at 5pm they all take their places near Au Bon Pain or the Hudson News and as soon as we commuters start flooding in they all nonchalantly meander through the crowd like, "Oh no big deal. I mean I always look this perfect even in the middle of August in New York City walking down a street that's being freshly paved."

Am I the only one that feels this way?