Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Beam me up!

So this afternoon I'm walking down Madison Avenue with LK. We were fresh from getting lunch and some much needed candy at Duane Reade. We were talking about how I needed new blog topics (my suggestion was go go off my meds so I'd be more interesting...for real) when LK gasped, "OMG!"

I followed her out stretched finger and was was met with this assault:

Dear Lacoste,

It appears to be a little chilly in your store. Looks like your mannequins could benefit from a barely there bra.

Love,
Lisa

Here's a side view:

I mean what is that? Do the folks over at Lacoste headquarters think that by showing a mannequin with her high beams on that more guys will buy the shirts resulting in more popped collars*? Or maybe they think the boobie mannequins will sell more over priced preppy tennis wear.

Either way we were hysterically laughing as I snapped pictures and the security guard stared at me curiously

*If the mannequin nipples result in more popped collars I'm moving.

Real Housewives of New Jersey finale recap!

Oh. My. Gawd. Did you see the Real Housewives of NJ throw down last night? I did and let me tell you something. I loved every minute of it.

Let's recap the housewives shall we?

Dina  

The blond Italian bombshell who is sisters with Caroline (see below). She's finally gotten her career off the ground (celebrity interior decorator...) but suddenly realizes that she doesn't want to miss any of her 12 year old daughter Lexi growing up. As it is she turned around and "Lexi already had tits."

Aaaaw. Love you too mom!

PS. Dina's husband who supposedly married her for her face is never in the picture. According to Dina they've been married for three years and the amount of time they've seen each other has equaled 2 weeks. My guess is that he's out working to make all of the money she spends.

Whatever. I still want her hair.

Caroline

Dina's big sister and the only Housewife who can claim that her bubbies are real.

Caroline is like the mob-boss of the entire group. This title is solidified when she dead-pans to Danielle, "Let me tell you something about my family, we're tick as teeves."

Tony Soprano ain't got nothing on sweet Caroline.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline is married to Dina and Caroline's brother Chris who I like totally want to marry. Chris is so hot. He's got this sweet mountain man-like quality to him. I could totally see us catching baseball games together and me baking him scotch-a-roos.

Um. Anyway.

Jacqueline is super sweet and is the only one who is nice to skeezy Danielle (below). I think Jacqueline is totally beautiful but she just needs to get those bubbies taken out. She's super tiny but the boobs make her look bigger than she is. I'd totally kill for her legs though.

Teresa

Teresa, who's phrase to live by is "happy wife, happy life"  is my absolute favorite housewife. Love Love Love her. She's got the accent, the hair and she is in love with the fact that she's a hardcore Jersey girl.

I loved the episode where Teresa was like "My husband Joe is just so gorgeous with his big arms. He's just so big and juicy. Oh I love him!"

And the museum that she and Joe built is out of this world. Teresa just goes around all day spending money and watching after her three little girls. I'm sure she does other things besides that but if she only spent money all day I'd have no problem stepping in for her.

Danielle

 

Doesn't she just look like a needle filled with Botox??

 

The one thing that always got me about Danielle, besides her incredible narcissism, is her eyebrows. Like, is she aware that her eye brows start at the middle of her nose and go up to the center of her forehead?

 

No one likes poor Danielle except Jacqueline who met D$ while getting her hair done. Apparently Danielle talked the entire time and within 5 minutes Jackie felt like she knew everything there was to know about D. Well duh. The woman doesn't shut up about herself.

 

The Episode

 

So last night we're introduced to Teresa's new house and her new rack (girl got implants in the previous episode). While showing Dina around her new digs (ps how funny was the part where Dina was like "what the hell is that smell? I can't breathe!" hahahah) Teresa decides that she wants to have a house-warming party. But it won't actually be in the new house because it's not fully ready yet so Teresa is just going to invite all of her friends to her favorite restaurant.

 

Oooookaaaaaay....??

 

She then drops the bomb on Dina that she fully intends on extending an invitation to Danielle. Even though everyone would rather see her get a stiletto to the eye than sit at a dinner table with her.

 

But "Teresa isn't a cruel person so she's going to invite her anyway."

 

Effing love it.

 

A few more things happen throughout the episode. Dina's daughter Lexi suddenly becomes too cool for stuffed animals and cleans out her bedroom, removing 7 plastic bags full of stuffed friends from under her bed. Dina, naturally, blames the help.

 

"This is what happens when you have a housekeeper who vacuums under your bed instead of doing it yourself. You find out that your daughter has 7 bags full of stuffed animals."

 

Sure. BLAME the maid!

 

Then we see that Caroline has an attack dog. Apparently the dog is for crazy fans or way-ward friends who get too close to the house. The dog will viciously gut you, spilling your intestines onto the pristine marble floor if you so much as go to give Caroline the thumbs-up.

 

After a demonstration where the German Shepherd nearly rips a guys arm off, Caroline coos to the beast, "Good boy! You're a good boy!"

 

Fast-forward to Jacqueline who's 17-year old daughter Ashley is a total brat. Home girl is mean to her mother and flunked school so she had to go to summer school. Flunking school? Doing "Ok" in summer school?  Being disrespectful to her mother? What's the only natural thing to do? Why buy her a brand new, tricked out car of course!!!

Even after Jacqueline's army colonel dad said to not give her the car they did it anyway. *Sigh* They are just too nice.

 

Oh then we have Danielle who used to be a "model" back in the day who was arrested for possession and changed her name because of the arrest. This woman has two children btdubbs.

 

Anyway so Danielle accosts her poor daughters who are 10 and 14 who are both forced to listen to their mother tell stories of her modeling hay-days. For five excruciating minutes we see as Danielle flips through a photo-album of what you think might be pictures of her and her girls who "mean the world to her" but instead they are pictures of her modeling.

 

While flipping through the pages she says, "And here I am 11 weeks after giving birth."

 

The daughters stare blankly at their mother and proclaim, "Wow. Your photos are racy!"

 

AKA: You're a ho-bag mom.

 

So the scene with the dinner party begins. The booze are flowing, everyone is in a good mood, Teresa is telling a story about how her husband wanted to have sex with her maybe 5 hours after she had her implants put in. Everyone is in a jolly good mood.

 

Then Danielle walks in. Of course she's late. Her two daughters are lagging behind her looking as if they'd rather have bamboo shoots shoved up their fingernail beds than be at this party.

 

So again, everyone is in a good mood then Danielle reaches down and puts "The Book" on the table.

 

Apparently Danielle's first ex-husband wrote this book and it tells a bunch of lies but one main truth about how she was arrested. Because of her arrest she changed her name. Danielle thinks that Dina spread the book around town to ruin her reputation. Dina says she didn't. Danielle apparently thought it was a good idea to bring the book with her and confront everyone about it.

 

You know the show's producers were like, "Ok. Danielle. We'll give you an extra 50K if you throw the book on the table and start going at it with everyone."

 

I'd do it.

 

At first everyone is incredulous and has the "Oh no she di'in't" look on their faces.

 

Then the tempers start to flare. Everyone is yelling back and forth. Caroline presides over the shit show and tells everyone to let Danielle speak and have her peace.

 

Danielle speaks. No one cares. She basically calls Teresa dumb and then Teresa flips a table over. It took two tries but she eventually got the table fully flipped over.

 

Here is a scene before Teresa's big Hulk moment (notice her big juicy hubby Joe):

I can't find a picture of her after the table flip so if you want to see it go and Youtube it. Trust me. It was hilarious. The best part of the whole thing? Joe shielding Teresa after she went bananas, grabbing her face and kissing her. He was just like "I love my table flipping wife!"

And all the while all of their respective children are in the room looking around like, "uuuhhh," and one kid even mutters, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawkward!!"

Finally everyone leaves with nothing really resolved. Danielle blames Dina for spreading the book around Franklin Lakes, but like any good leader, Caroline takes the fall for it, telling Danielle that it was her who spread the book around town. I mean Danielle would rather take Dina than Caroline so I'm sure she'll back off now.

All I care about is when the next season starts!

Cracking heads at Target

In preparation for my move to NYC this coming Monday I decided to lose my mind at Home Goods and Target this past Sunday. I was on the hunt for an area rug and a TV stand, both of which I found at Tarjay.

I had been shopping for a new TV stand for a while. It's not that I wasn't finding anything that I liked, oh I was finding plenty that I liked. But I wanted a floor model that was already put together. I loathe assembling things. However on Sunday I caved and bought a TV stand at the Target in Plainville. My carriage was already full with the aforementioned area rug and various kitchen knives so I had to be careful when placing the stand in the carriage not to break anything.

I grabbed a hold of the box and went to lift it up, not realizing how top heavy the goddamn thing was. Three seconds after lifting up the box it toppled over and cracked me over the head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" That was me screaming from the TV stand aisle. No, no one came to help me. Miraculously I was able to steady the box and get it into the carriage without further incident.

I stood in place for a few seconds, making sure I was OK and not seeing stars and that I wasn't dizzy. I decided to see what was on sale for tank tops and made my way to clothing. That's when I got nervous.

Wait. Didn't the same thing happen to poor Natasha Richardson? She hit her head, felt fine but then died shortly after because no one bothered to take her to the ER?

I called my mother.

"Hello?"

"Mum. It's me."

"What's wrong."

"Weeeeeeeeell, a dropped a TV stand on my head and-"

"YOU WHAT????"

"Wait just listen. I dropped a TV stand on my head and how long after Natasha Richardson hit her head did she die?"

"Who?"

"Hello???" My dad decided to pick up the other phone and see what all the commotion was about.

"Lee-SAH hit her head."

"How??"

"I dropped a TV stand on my head dad. Now how soon after Natasha Richardson hit her head did she die?"

"Who???" My dad isn't up on his pop culture.

"Natasha Richardson Dad."

"You dropped a TV stand on her head too?"

"No Steve. She's the actress who was skiing and she hit her head and ended up dying from it."

"Oh....Well how the hell did you drop a TV stand on your head Lisa?!"

"I WAS TRYING TO GET IT OFF THE SHELF!"

"Well why didn't you call somebody???!!!"

At this point I was hiding behind a rack of Mossimo Maxi Dresses hissing into my phone.

"Because dad, no one was around to help!"

"LEE-SAH. This is your mother. Do you feel dizzy?"

(pause, pause) "No. But what if I have like a massive internal bleed?"

"Come home and we'll take you to the ER."

"Ugh. But I need to get this shopping done. I mean the only reason I'm nervous is because of Natasha Richardson."

"Well Natasha Richardson was on skis going like 100 down a mountain when she hit her head."

"Ok..."

"So I think ya fine."

"Are you sure."

"I mean I don't know Lee-SAH! It's your head."

"True...Ok. I'll see you in a bit for dinner."

"Ok. Call if you feel dizzy."

"Love you."

"Love ya."

This is how we solve things in my family.

Boxed in

Let me ask you something. Do you know anyone who has more boxes than I do? No seriously. Can you name a person who has a wall of boxes in his/her office? Someone other than a box maker?

All boxed up. Dunno what to do...

If you do let me know. I will challenge them to a box off.

Just your regular run of the mill classy commute

This morning I was tooling down 95 North on my way to the office. I was just passing Exit 11 in Norwood when I nearly rear-ended the guy in front of me because he was doing 55 in the left lane.

Not. Cool.

Naturally I had to pass him so I eased into the middle lane, only a woman in a fluorescent yellow car was keeping pace with the 55 MPH left hand lane dude.

ARGH!

I stayed in the middle lane until a gap wide enough opened up so I could slide Suzi back into the left lane and continue on my way.

As I passed the yellow car which I could now identify as a Chevrolet Monte Carlo, I noticed that the driver was giving me the finger.

I made a face at her and then said out loud, "SERIOUSLY???"

Who gives the finger on a Wednesday morning? When it's sunny? And furthermore, she was driving a car that looked like this:

If anything I should be flipping her off!

Keeping up with Lee-SAH

Saturday night during dinner, The Donna and I got into a little fight. Everything ended up being fine thanks to the Kardashians.  

"You're not letting me say what I want to say Lee-SAH. Have you seen that show Keeping up with the Kahdashians?"

"What?! Yes."  

"Well you haven't seen this episode."

"Mom yes I have it's the newest one. The season premier."

"Well I don't think you've seen it."

"The one where Khloe goes to jail??"

"Yeah."

"Yes I've seen it!"

Mind you, in the middle of an argument we are having a sub-argument about which episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians is the most recent.

"And anyway mom, when are you watching Keeping up with the Kardashians?!?"

"When I was down visiting ya brotha. They had it on TV."

.........

Donna continued. "Anyway during that episode Kim tells the two otha sistas to be nice to their motha and not be so mean to her and the motha tells the girls that she's allowed to have an opinion and have feelings."

"Are you comparing me to Khloe Kardashian?"

"No. But let me tell ya, she's a bitch that Khloe! If she were my daughta I'd knock her into next week."

I'm so glad that E! Entertainment, Ryan Seacrest and most of all the Kardashian family along with Bruce Jenner can mend fences between me and The Donna.

Oscar fashion recap! Bettah late than nevah.

I'm over at These Lips Are Made for Glossin' discussin' all of the Oscar hits and misses from this past Sunday.

Burn a calorie and click that link above to read what I had to say about Melissa Leo and Natalie Portman. While you're at it check out blogs by Carmindy, Jason, Ted and Rachel.

Remember, we all love comment love!

Xx

How to have fun while waiting in a line for 90 minutes.

Last Wednesday I went to NYC for work and stayed the weekend to visit with my sister. On Saturday night we decided to see a 7:45pm showing of He's Just Not That Into Youwith LK at the theater on 19th street.

At 6pm the 7:45 show was already sold out so we decided to get tickets for the 10pm show and go have some Italian. The three of us decided that in order to secure good seats we'd have to get in line around 8:45. After sourcing snacks at the Rite-Aid across the street we took our place in line. There was actually someone lined up already.

"Are you here for the 10pm showing of He's Just Not That Into You?"

The girl scowled at me, "Yes." Then huffed and turned around.

"Friendly..."

The minutes passed and the line grew. Shana, LK and I made idle chatter with each other and talked about how hot the guy at the Italian place was and wondered if he was the owner and if he was in fact from Italy. He was one of those guys who was so cute that he made you awkward. I actually bumped into him on the way back from the bathroom and I yelped. He grabbed me by the shoulders and purred into my ear, "Why you so nervous? Every time I see you here tonight you look so nervous."

If he had kept talking I would've melted into butter. He could've used me to cook dinner.

"Uuhh..heheheh...merrrrrrr......!" This is why I'm single.

Back to standing in line (or standing on line as everyone in New York says). I stepped out of line and peered down the block. The line of people waiting for the movie was becoming substantial!

"This is crazy guys." Just then a couple walked up to us, "What line is this for?"

"He's Just Not That Into You."

"Ooooh really?? Wow!"

A few seconds later two girls came up to us, "Is this for He's Just Not That Into You?"

"Yeah. The 10pm show."

"Oh my God. This is crazy!" Off the girls ran to secure a place in line.

"Vhat movie eez deez for??"

"He's Just Not That Into You."

*muttering something in Russian that I couldn't understand*

A pattern was emerging. Apparently now we were working for AMC theaters. Every thirty seconds someone would come up to us and ask us what movie we were waiting to see. And every time we replied with He's Just Not That Into You, the 10pm show, their eyes would bug out, they'd let out a low whistle and then stare down the block at the long line. For a second I considered selling my place in line.

After about the 10th person asking what movie we were waiting to see I broke.

A guy walked up to us who looked clueless, "What movie is this for?"

"Pink Panther," I replied straight faced.

"Oh ok." The guy took off like it was totally normal that 5 million people were waiting in line to see Steve Martin.

"If someone told me that this line was for Pink Panther I'd be like, REALLY?????!!!" exclaimed LK.

"Seriously!"

During all of this hub-bub there were a group of guys in yarmulkes who kept trying to get into the movie earlier. They refused to wait in line and were huddled by the door.

"You know what. I don't care if they are the chosen ones. They need to get in line like everyone else!" This actually got a giggle out of the scowly girl

A few minutes later apair of modely looking girls approached us.

"Waaaaait for it..." I said under my breath.

"What movie are you guys seeing?"

"Taken."

"Oh, ok. PHEW!!!" The girls started to walk away.

"Lisa, don't let them walk away! Tell them the truth!" That was my morally conscious sister.

"Ugh! Wait. We're actually waiting for He's Just Not That Into You. I was, uhm, kidding."

"Oh. Ok. AHAHAHAHA."

"They could've been so bitchy to you."

"Yeah well at least they have a sense of humor."

I did my Pink Panther line one more time, but it was on an old woman huffing on a cigarette who was just being nosy. After that I decided to quite while I was ahead.

Grammy Recap.

I'm over at These Lips Are Made For Glossin' today recapping "real girl style" about the fashions during the 51st Annual Grammy Awards that aired on Sunday. 

Personally I think Leona Lewis's dress was a coffee colored nightmare but you're free to disagree with me.

Check it out and leave me and the other bloggers lots of comment love! Xx

The most annoying 60 minutes of my life.

I always say that I can't stand when people complain about the vicissitudes of New England weather. I just want to shake them and say, "You live in New England! If you don't want to see snow go to Arizona!"

Can't stand it! Makes me crazy! Hurts my head!

However, I am here to blog about how much I hate the snow right now.

I woke up yesterday morning to a blizzard taking place outside of my window.

"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh....." I groaned as I reached for my Blackberry to call my therapist.

"This is Barbara."

"Barbara," I croaked, "Lisa Gradie. So is there any sort of rule for weather? Like if it's really bad do you cancel appointments?"

"Not unless we're talking the Blizzard of '78."

"Oookay. See you at 7:30."

The reason why I called is because if I don't cancel my appointment within one week I get charged $130 for the appointment. So I was hauling my ass to Brookline tonight; Nor'easter or not.

So all day I was anxious about driving in the snow. It wasn't so much driving to Brookline which is only 15 minutes from my office it was more anxious about driving the hour back to my house from Brookline. Finally at 6:15 I started to pack up. I wanted to leave enough time to actually get there. 

I made my way downstairs to the garage where I park and this is where the first annoyance happens. 

Need a push?

The ramp to get in and out of the garage is very steep. I drive a 2008 Jetta. I've plowed through snowbanks in my car so I really didn't think I'd have a problem going up a ramp. 

As I inched my way up I honked my horn like I usually do just to make sure that any unsuspecting pedestrians can hear that I'm barreling out of the garage. As I honked my horn two things happened: 1.) my car wouldn't move and 2.) a guy about my age walked over to my car.

"Oh hi. Sorry I wasn't honking at you. I just usually honk when I come out of the driveway to make sure that people know that I'm coming out, you know because I don't want to hit anyone and mer mer mer..."

"Ok." He glanced down to my tires that clearly weren't going anywhere. "Are you stuck?"

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm not really sure...."

"Do you want me to get behind you and push?"

"Uhhhh ok."

He tried pushing twice and I made it up a few more inches but Jesus Christ was that ramp icy!

After two minutes the garage door started to close, with the nose of my car still under it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" That was me. Shrieking.

"WATCH OUT!!!" And I threw the car into reverse and gunned it backwards. I looked up to see my stranger, shellacked to the wall presumably just having dashed out of the way in the knick of time, staring at me.

"Ooooook. Why don't you try going forward. I bet you can make it out."

I did a mental signing of the cross in my head and threw my car into drive. Suzi lurched forward and out into the snow covered street.

"YEAH BABY!!!" That was me again. High-fiving myself. "Soooooooo thanks for your help." I didn't know what to do next. Do I offer him a ride? Ask for his number so I can sent him a thank you edible arrangement? What if he was crazy? I mean I know he just helped me out of the goodness of his heart but I just wasted ten minutes trying to get my car out of the garage and I have to make it to Brookline and the weather is just so beastly-

"No problem. Drive safe." And with that my stranger took off down the street probably to take public transportation home.

After I was on the road I was so disturbed by my car getting stuck that I missed my right turn onto Dartmouth street. Now, in normal weather situations I would've've just pulled a U-ey in the middle of the road. But with the blizzard swirling around me I had to wait until a safe place to turn. This safe place wasn't for another 5 minutes. I had to circle pretty much all of the South End, go under 93S and come back to my work just to get back on track. This was annoyance #2 of the evening.

Thankfully the roads were clear and somewhat plowed so I was able to make my way to my therapist with only minimal swearing and pounding on my sheering wheel. I looked at the clock and I had an half-hour to spare. Nice. I was absolutely famished (my new diet consists basically of apples, almonds and water) so I decided to cross the T tracks and grab a small black bean burrito at Ana's Taqueria across the street.

Annoyance #3: No food for you!

"Hola mami."

"Hi can I please have a small black bean burrito with cheese."

"Chu wan' any rice?

"No thanks just a little bit of guac."

"No salsa?"

"No."

"Chee-kon?"

"Um. No."

"Lettuce? "

"I. Would. Just. Like. Cheese. Black Beans. And. A. Little. Bit. Of. Guacamole."

"Fo hea 'o to go?"

"To go please." I held out my card for them to take.

"Cash only."

"What?"

"We no take no cards."

"Since when?"

"Since forever."

I swear this is bullshit. I feel like I remember paying with my card when I used to go to JSutt's to work on the YGIU flash intro and watch So You Think You Can Dance.

"Das ok tho'. Ders an ATM down da street."

"Ok..." I walked away from the counter and straight into the big yellow CAUTION! WET! sign.

I made my way outside and onto the corner. I pondered trudging down the street to get some cash so I could eat my measly burrito which by this time was probably cold. I glanced at my phone to see the time. I only had fifteen minutes until my appointment.

"I'm not fucking walking down the street!" I said to myself.

"Excuuuuuuuse me??" But a little old Jewish lady heard my rant.

"Oh. HAHA. Nothing. Do you need, um, help crossing the street?"

"No."

Starving, I made my way across the street. Unlike some people who use the cross walk I decided to wade through the snow banks and cross the T tracks. It was closer than walking 15 feet to the crosswalk. I get lazy when there is snow in the picture.

I had crossed the tracks safely and was almost home free when my foot slipped on ice that I couldn't see. Next thing I know I was belly-flopping onto someone's Celica.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh....." I laid there for about thirty seconds before I actually moved. First I made sure that I hadn't cracked my teeth on the hood of the car. Then I made sure that no one saw. (If anyone did they weren't seeing if I was OK). Then I cried. (Not because I fell but because I got my new purse wet.)

In case you hadn't guessed yet, my acrobatics onto the car is annoyance #4. And that's all I've got. I mean once you belly-flop onto someone's car and leave an imprint in the snow of yourself there's really nothing else to say.

Thankfully I was going to therapy.