Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Take a break, stay awake for safety's sake!

On Monday I worked out of the Boston office. I was home at my parents house for the Father's Day weekend so it made sense that I tagged on a visit to my old office while I was in the area.

The weather was beyond shitty so around 3pm I decided to hit the road back to Hoboken. I was tooling down the Mass Pike at around the Framingham area when I started to get so tired. I was literally in the left and lane with my eyes drooping at half mast.

Now, one thing you need to know about me is that I fall asleep in traffic all the time. Two months ago when I was driving into work I was on the Expressway and legit passed out. I was jolted awake when the SUV behind me started to furiously honk his horn. I woke up and saw that the Honda I was behind was about 10 car lengths in front of me. How long had I been out? (later when I eventually arrived at work I parked in the garage and proceeded to pass out in my car for 45 minutes.)

So this time I'm on the Mass Pike, going 80 and falling asleep. Not good.

I approached the Framingham rest stop, parked in a corner, cracked my windows, reclined my seat and fell asleep for about 40 minutes. I was so tired I didn't even take my seat belt off.

I always see those signs on the highway "Take A Break. Stay Awake for Safety's Sake!" and every time I pass them I'm always like, "PSSSSSSHA! People really need to pull over and relax from driving. What a bunch of pussies!!"

Yeah I like totally get it now. Driving for 4 hours takes a lot out of you and even thinking about how you have to drive for 4 hours is exhausting.

Next time I'll make sure to have a pillow with me.

Donde estan mis pantelones?

In case you hadn't heard I moved to the tri-state area. My company relocated me so I'm living in Hoboken which is awesome (and also where they hide all of the hot men) and working out of our office in the Jersey suburbs as well as the office in Manhattan. Here's the thing; when I was working in the office in Boston it was super casual. I'm talking like wife beaters and lululemon yoga pants to work. Now it's all business casual. This includes no jeans.

Even on Fridays. I have two dresser drawers filled with jeans so you can imagine how annoying this is.

My dilemma is that I don't own any dress pants. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii know! Like dress pants to me are a foreign concept. Plenty of dresses sure? cute little baby doll tops to wear with leggins? You got it. But no dress pants. And with the weather being so craptastic and rainy lately getting dressed in the morning causes me to have severe agida.

Thus far I've spent about $500 shopping online for pants. I could save myself the returning headache and just go to a mall to shop but 1.) I'm new to the area and have no idea where anything is and 2.) I'm so paranoid about driving when I don't have to because finding parking in my neighborhood blows (see this blogto read all about it.) At present time I loathe all of the pants I've received from J.Crew.com, Anntaylorloft.com and Gap.com.

So what am I doing? Wearing a pair of former fat pants from the Gap. These were purchased long before I joined Weight Watchers and lost 35 pounds. Right now they are falling off me. Plus it makes me look like I have an extra stomach because the waist has stretched out and causing the illusion of a paunch.

I am a mess. And I need pants.

Cracking heads at Target

In preparation for my move to NYC this coming Monday I decided to lose my mind at Home Goods and Target this past Sunday. I was on the hunt for an area rug and a TV stand, both of which I found at Tarjay.

I had been shopping for a new TV stand for a while. It's not that I wasn't finding anything that I liked, oh I was finding plenty that I liked. But I wanted a floor model that was already put together. I loathe assembling things. However on Sunday I caved and bought a TV stand at the Target in Plainville. My carriage was already full with the aforementioned area rug and various kitchen knives so I had to be careful when placing the stand in the carriage not to break anything.

I grabbed a hold of the box and went to lift it up, not realizing how top heavy the goddamn thing was. Three seconds after lifting up the box it toppled over and cracked me over the head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" That was me screaming from the TV stand aisle. No, no one came to help me. Miraculously I was able to steady the box and get it into the carriage without further incident.

I stood in place for a few seconds, making sure I was OK and not seeing stars and that I wasn't dizzy. I decided to see what was on sale for tank tops and made my way to clothing. That's when I got nervous.

Wait. Didn't the same thing happen to poor Natasha Richardson? She hit her head, felt fine but then died shortly after because no one bothered to take her to the ER?

I called my mother.

"Hello?"

"Mum. It's me."

"What's wrong."

"Weeeeeeeeell, a dropped a TV stand on my head and-"

"YOU WHAT????"

"Wait just listen. I dropped a TV stand on my head and how long after Natasha Richardson hit her head did she die?"

"Who?"

"Hello???" My dad decided to pick up the other phone and see what all the commotion was about.

"Lee-SAH hit her head."

"How??"

"I dropped a TV stand on my head dad. Now how soon after Natasha Richardson hit her head did she die?"

"Who???" My dad isn't up on his pop culture.

"Natasha Richardson Dad."

"You dropped a TV stand on her head too?"

"No Steve. She's the actress who was skiing and she hit her head and ended up dying from it."

"Oh....Well how the hell did you drop a TV stand on your head Lisa?!"

"I WAS TRYING TO GET IT OFF THE SHELF!"

"Well why didn't you call somebody???!!!"

At this point I was hiding behind a rack of Mossimo Maxi Dresses hissing into my phone.

"Because dad, no one was around to help!"

"LEE-SAH. This is your mother. Do you feel dizzy?"

(pause, pause) "No. But what if I have like a massive internal bleed?"

"Come home and we'll take you to the ER."

"Ugh. But I need to get this shopping done. I mean the only reason I'm nervous is because of Natasha Richardson."

"Well Natasha Richardson was on skis going like 100 down a mountain when she hit her head."

"Ok..."

"So I think ya fine."

"Are you sure."

"I mean I don't know Lee-SAH! It's your head."

"True...Ok. I'll see you in a bit for dinner."

"Ok. Call if you feel dizzy."

"Love you."

"Love ya."

This is how we solve things in my family.

In these hard times you can't afford to be a bitch. Especially if you work on commission.

A few days ago I was shopping in Boston's Copley Squarewhen I decided to head into Neiman Marcus

I was browsing some of the high end makeup and skincare lines; Chantecaille, Darphin, La Prairie, when I decided to head over to fragrance to see what was new.

I had heard about the new Valentino fragrance and how beautiful the bottle was but I wanted to see for myself. True to all of the hype is really is a beautifully crafted package and the fragrance is divine. I sprayed some on myself and then took in the gorgeous floral scent.

"Can I help yeeeeeeew?" I looked up and a very well coiffed sales lady was peering at me.

"Oh no thank you. I'm just looking."

I took a few more peaks at what was new. I wasn't that taken with the new Gucci fragrance but I was absolutely loving the David Yurman EDP. The sales lady stared me down, which I can't stand. Peering at me over your Chanel glasses is not going to make me want to spend money.

Just then I received a phone call and went outside to take it. As I was hanging up, I happened to catch a waft of myself. It was the Valentino perfume. It had sat on my skin for a while and the dry down was absolutely amazing.

My 'I NEED THAT' instincts kicked in and I raced for the escalator. But before I stepped foot back into the store I stopped and talked myself off of the ledge.

"Lisa, you need to stop. You used to be so impulsive with purchases and it got you into a lot of trouble financially. I know you love this fragrance now and maybe you will love it tomorrow too. But get a sample of it first and try it out. That way you'll know that you really REALLY love and then maybe after you've lived with it for a little while you can come back and get it."

"But, self, I want it now!"

"Lisa..."

"Ok."

I walked back over to the fragrance counter and Chanel Glasses lady had a friend with her, a fellow sales associate. I smiled at Chanel Glasses.

"Hi."

"Hi. How can I help yeeeeeeeeeeeeew?"

"Well, I sprayed the Valentino on me and I love it. It's so amazing."

"Mmmmmm...iiiiiiiisn't it?" That was the other sales associate. She was staring me up and down. Her gaze stopped on my Old Navy jeans and then made their way up my body to my LL Bean rain coat.

I focused my attention on Chanel Glasses. "Do you have any samples of it? I'd like to try it before I commit."

"I don't think we do but let me double check."

"We don't," said the other woman curtly.

What a beast!

Chanel Glasses actually opened a few drawers before confirming what the other associate had already stated.

"Maybe you can put it on your Christmas list and someone can buy it for you."

What is what I hate about big name department stores?! They assume if you're not decked out in Tory Burch that you don't have the cash. Did they not see Pretty Woman?! Don't assume anything.

I turned to the beastly woman and said, "First of all, I'm Jewish so I don't have a Christmas list (I'm not Jewish) and second of all, I can buy it myself I just wanted a sample to make sure I wouldn't hate it."

I left the two woman standing there with their mouths agape and hustled out of the store as fast as my Nine West flats could take me!

Shape up

Yesterday I decided to wear my new full body shaper for the first time. I got it at Wal-Mart for $13 and bought it for the sole purpose of keeping my hips in check. I could carry septuplets and not have a problem with the child bearing hips I'm sporting.

My outfit consisted of a dress, tights, my new shaper and my fierce Mark Fisher heels (alternated with flats throughout the day). The shaper did the job. It sucked in all the right places and created curves where necessary however, going to the bathroom became somewhat of a challenge.

See with a full body shaper, if you have to go to the bathroom they make it so you unhook the crotch area. It's the same idea as unhooking your bra. Ladies if you went to middle school in the 90's then you probably know what I'm talking about because didn't we all used to rock those patterned bodysuits?? 

Remember that. *shudder*

Anyway with my shaper I was having sort of a hard time unhooking my crotch so I could do my duties. The first time I tried I got so stressed out and sweaty I just ended up taking off my dress.

As I was putting my clothes back on I said to myself, "Ok Lisa. Next time you have to work on getting the hooks undone. You can't be getting naked in the bathroom."

I went to the bathroom about 5 times in the office and I couldn't for the life of me get the damn shaper unhooked. Each time I had to disrobe so I could pee.

It wouldn't have been a big deal, the bathroom in the office is just a one person type of deal so it's not like anyone can spy on you, it's just that we all had plans to go out later on that night so what was I going to do if I had to pee at the bar?

Well I soon found out because roughly 30 minutes into my first vodka soda I had to use the ladies room. I walked in, smiled at the attendant and then pimped all the way down to the handicapped stall so I'd have ample arm room to maneuver my dress on and off. I stealthily took my dress off, making sure to crouch down so no one would see my flailing arm movements and then hung it nicely on the hook of the door.

All was going well until I glanced over and could actually see the girl in the stall next to me through the two inch crack between the wall and the stall door.

If I could see her chilling on the toilet then she could probably see me chilling on the toilet. Naked.

"Oh Christ...." I mumbled to myself.

I finished going to the bathroom, pulled up my shaper and tights and then stood very still behind the door. I made sure that I was out of anyones sight line and waited until the girl next to me exited the premises. Then I grabbed my dress and carefully put it back on. I smiled at the attendant as she handed me a towel. Did she just wink at me?

I made my way back to my table of friends and vowed to practice unhooking my shaper so as to not risk getting caught, literally with my pants down. Or with no pants at all.

Just your regular run of the mill classy commute

This morning I was tooling down 95 North on my way to the office. I was just passing Exit 11 in Norwood when I nearly rear-ended the guy in front of me because he was doing 55 in the left lane.

Not. Cool.

Naturally I had to pass him so I eased into the middle lane, only a woman in a fluorescent yellow car was keeping pace with the 55 MPH left hand lane dude.

ARGH!

I stayed in the middle lane until a gap wide enough opened up so I could slide Suzi back into the left lane and continue on my way.

As I passed the yellow car which I could now identify as a Chevrolet Monte Carlo, I noticed that the driver was giving me the finger.

I made a face at her and then said out loud, "SERIOUSLY???"

Who gives the finger on a Wednesday morning? When it's sunny? And furthermore, she was driving a car that looked like this:

If anything I should be flipping her off!

The Hazzards of Spanx.

Sometimes wearing a pair of Spanx can do more harm than good. Ladies holler back if you feel me on this. I mean right?!

Check out my blog on These Lips Are Made For Glossin' and read all about the dreaded Spanx line!

Click here.

Shopping spree here I come!

You know how people always say that if your palm is itchy it means you have money coming your way? Well I never understood this because my palms are itchy all the time and all that comes my way in the form of money is a ten cent Euro coin laying at the bottom of my bra drawer.

But last night I was trying to suppress an itch in my left hand when I came across a mint green pouch in my DVD basket. Inside contained about 10 gift cards given to me back in Christmas of 2007. The first thing that came to my mind was "Wow, I'm such a gracious gift recipient." The second thing was "I hope these puppies have some moola left on them!"

So this morning (at work) I called up the 1-800 numbers on the back of my cards and punched in all of the account numbers. Turns out I had $50 on a Shaw's card, $100 on a Macy's card , $7 left on an H&M card and $15 on a gas card.

This is fantastic. My shopping these days consists of the essentials: tampons, deodorant, gum. You know, the usual stuff a girl needs to get by when she's on a budget. Now I can go to Shaw's and get the expensive cereal I love and not break down on the way because my car has been running on E for the past five days.

It's almost like hitting Mega-millions.

Oscar fashion recap! Bettah late than nevah.

I'm over at These Lips Are Made for Glossin' discussin' all of the Oscar hits and misses from this past Sunday.

Burn a calorie and click that link above to read what I had to say about Melissa Leo and Natalie Portman. While you're at it check out blogs by Carmindy, Jason, Ted and Rachel.

Remember, we all love comment love!

Xx

Pajama bottom etiquette.

Last night I was driving to Brookline and I rolled up to a stop sign to let some pedestrians cross. Darting across the street was a girl looking to be in her mid-20's wearing UGG slippers, a cropped hoodie and pajama bottoms with rainbows on them.

Why? Why do people think it is OK to wear their pajamas out in public? I posted this as my Facebook status last night and it got quite the response. One person just kept saying "Life is too short to care what people think about you."

Well if you don't mind being thought of as White Trash then OK. You're a better person than I am.

If you have to go outside to pick up a few odds and ends then throw on a pair of jeans, maybe some leggings. Hell even a pair of yoga pants will do the trick. There is no need to be seen traipsing around the supermarket in your Bruins pajama bottoms.