Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Cracking heads at Target

In preparation for my move to NYC this coming Monday I decided to lose my mind at Home Goods and Target this past Sunday. I was on the hunt for an area rug and a TV stand, both of which I found at Tarjay.

I had been shopping for a new TV stand for a while. It's not that I wasn't finding anything that I liked, oh I was finding plenty that I liked. But I wanted a floor model that was already put together. I loathe assembling things. However on Sunday I caved and bought a TV stand at the Target in Plainville. My carriage was already full with the aforementioned area rug and various kitchen knives so I had to be careful when placing the stand in the carriage not to break anything.

I grabbed a hold of the box and went to lift it up, not realizing how top heavy the goddamn thing was. Three seconds after lifting up the box it toppled over and cracked me over the head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" That was me screaming from the TV stand aisle. No, no one came to help me. Miraculously I was able to steady the box and get it into the carriage without further incident.

I stood in place for a few seconds, making sure I was OK and not seeing stars and that I wasn't dizzy. I decided to see what was on sale for tank tops and made my way to clothing. That's when I got nervous.

Wait. Didn't the same thing happen to poor Natasha Richardson? She hit her head, felt fine but then died shortly after because no one bothered to take her to the ER?

I called my mother.

"Hello?"

"Mum. It's me."

"What's wrong."

"Weeeeeeeeell, a dropped a TV stand on my head and-"

"YOU WHAT????"

"Wait just listen. I dropped a TV stand on my head and how long after Natasha Richardson hit her head did she die?"

"Who?"

"Hello???" My dad decided to pick up the other phone and see what all the commotion was about.

"Lee-SAH hit her head."

"How??"

"I dropped a TV stand on my head dad. Now how soon after Natasha Richardson hit her head did she die?"

"Who???" My dad isn't up on his pop culture.

"Natasha Richardson Dad."

"You dropped a TV stand on her head too?"

"No Steve. She's the actress who was skiing and she hit her head and ended up dying from it."

"Oh....Well how the hell did you drop a TV stand on your head Lisa?!"

"I WAS TRYING TO GET IT OFF THE SHELF!"

"Well why didn't you call somebody???!!!"

At this point I was hiding behind a rack of Mossimo Maxi Dresses hissing into my phone.

"Because dad, no one was around to help!"

"LEE-SAH. This is your mother. Do you feel dizzy?"

(pause, pause) "No. But what if I have like a massive internal bleed?"

"Come home and we'll take you to the ER."

"Ugh. But I need to get this shopping done. I mean the only reason I'm nervous is because of Natasha Richardson."

"Well Natasha Richardson was on skis going like 100 down a mountain when she hit her head."

"Ok..."

"So I think ya fine."

"Are you sure."

"I mean I don't know Lee-SAH! It's your head."

"True...Ok. I'll see you in a bit for dinner."

"Ok. Call if you feel dizzy."

"Love you."

"Love ya."

This is how we solve things in my family.

In these hard times you can't afford to be a bitch. Especially if you work on commission.

A few days ago I was shopping in Boston's Copley Squarewhen I decided to head into Neiman Marcus

I was browsing some of the high end makeup and skincare lines; Chantecaille, Darphin, La Prairie, when I decided to head over to fragrance to see what was new.

I had heard about the new Valentino fragrance and how beautiful the bottle was but I wanted to see for myself. True to all of the hype is really is a beautifully crafted package and the fragrance is divine. I sprayed some on myself and then took in the gorgeous floral scent.

"Can I help yeeeeeeew?" I looked up and a very well coiffed sales lady was peering at me.

"Oh no thank you. I'm just looking."

I took a few more peaks at what was new. I wasn't that taken with the new Gucci fragrance but I was absolutely loving the David Yurman EDP. The sales lady stared me down, which I can't stand. Peering at me over your Chanel glasses is not going to make me want to spend money.

Just then I received a phone call and went outside to take it. As I was hanging up, I happened to catch a waft of myself. It was the Valentino perfume. It had sat on my skin for a while and the dry down was absolutely amazing.

My 'I NEED THAT' instincts kicked in and I raced for the escalator. But before I stepped foot back into the store I stopped and talked myself off of the ledge.

"Lisa, you need to stop. You used to be so impulsive with purchases and it got you into a lot of trouble financially. I know you love this fragrance now and maybe you will love it tomorrow too. But get a sample of it first and try it out. That way you'll know that you really REALLY love and then maybe after you've lived with it for a little while you can come back and get it."

"But, self, I want it now!"

"Lisa..."

"Ok."

I walked back over to the fragrance counter and Chanel Glasses lady had a friend with her, a fellow sales associate. I smiled at Chanel Glasses.

"Hi."

"Hi. How can I help yeeeeeeeeeeeeew?"

"Well, I sprayed the Valentino on me and I love it. It's so amazing."

"Mmmmmm...iiiiiiiisn't it?" That was the other sales associate. She was staring me up and down. Her gaze stopped on my Old Navy jeans and then made their way up my body to my LL Bean rain coat.

I focused my attention on Chanel Glasses. "Do you have any samples of it? I'd like to try it before I commit."

"I don't think we do but let me double check."

"We don't," said the other woman curtly.

What a beast!

Chanel Glasses actually opened a few drawers before confirming what the other associate had already stated.

"Maybe you can put it on your Christmas list and someone can buy it for you."

What is what I hate about big name department stores?! They assume if you're not decked out in Tory Burch that you don't have the cash. Did they not see Pretty Woman?! Don't assume anything.

I turned to the beastly woman and said, "First of all, I'm Jewish so I don't have a Christmas list (I'm not Jewish) and second of all, I can buy it myself I just wanted a sample to make sure I wouldn't hate it."

I left the two woman standing there with their mouths agape and hustled out of the store as fast as my Nine West flats could take me!

Overheard in the 'burbs: Easter Weekend Edition

Friday: "But I gave birth to you for Christ's sake!"

On Friday evening around 7:50pm I walked into the family room where my parents were to alert The Donna that we should probably saddle up and hit the road to go pick up my sister Shana who was arriving at Rt. 128 station from New York.

My dad was watching some sort of program on the History Channel and The Donna was sitting on the couch snapping the ends off of 78 pounds of raw green beans. In between beheading the beans she was popping jelly beans into her mouth. Earlier that day I was putzing around CVS and decided to buy my mom some of her favorite candy.

"Mum we should probably get going."

"Leeeee-SAH these jelly beans suck."

"Um. Sorry...?"

"No thea wicked hahd."

I grabbed one and chewed on it. No unusual consistency to be found.

"Mum they're fine. If you want something soft to chew on eat one of these." I chucked the Swedish Fish bag at her and gestured that we needed to make a move.

"No Leee-SAH seriously. Hea..."

I then watched as my mother removed the half masticated jelly bean from her mouth and waved it in my face.

"Hea try this."

"I am NOT eating that!"

"Fa God's sake I gave birth to you!"

"And.."

"Hea eat it. Tell me it's not wicked hahd."

"Mum get outta here! Would you eat the jelly bean in my mouth???" I grabbed the half eaten green one and pressed it between my fingers.

To my surprise The Donna went for it!

"MUM!!! GROSS!!!" I shoved the bean back in my mouth. "Can we go please."

"Fine. But I don't know what you're freaking out about. I gave birth to you."

"Yes you said that. Come on we're going to be late."

Sunday afternoon: "I only like Wheel of Fortune."

For Easter we had my cousin Pam and Charles over with two of their three boys, Ben and Matt and my dad's older sister Aunt Nancy.

We were all sitting around the table drinking coffee and having pound cake when Pam (who is no stranger to my tales of waxing) asked what we all did last night

"Shana and I just hung out and watched a movie."

"Yeah," my dad grumbled, "Donna and I watched a movie too. Slumdog Millionaire. It SUCKED."

"Dad! How can you say that? It was soooo good! And it won like every award so at the very least you can appreciate it."

"I haven't seen it yet," said Pam.

"It flashes back a lot and Donna and I were just kind of confused."

"You have to pay attention," I explained to him. "Maybe you should watch it again."

"No. Oooooooh no."

"I don't think it was the right movie for mom and dad," said my sister. (What would be the right movie for my parents??)

My dad continued, "Plus it was about a game show. And I hate game shows."

"It was not about a game show dad."

"Well it sort of was. I'm not big on game shows. I mean I like a good episode of Wheel of Fortune but that's about it"

Sunday late afternoon before dinner: And the brutality just keeps on comin'

There are a handful of topics that are off limits for discussion during family functions. Two of the main ones are politics and the Massachusetts school system. My mother is very active in my towns school committee and talking about it boils her blood. And she has high blood-pressure. So we put these restrictions in place to keep The Donna alive.

Well somewhere in between the cheese ball and the Mets game the topic of schools came up. Pam is a math teacher in Mass so she and my mom were talking. Then I hear Pam tell my mom that they are going to start putting the BMI of kids on their report cards.

"Ah you serious Pam?" said The Donna.

"Yup. Now the school is responsible if your kid is fat," replied Pam.

My Aunt Nancy then turned to me and said, "Lisa you must be glad you're not in school any more huh?"

When the left I took my sister to the train, came home and immediately did my Tank Top Arms and Boy Short Bottom work out DVD.

How did you spend your Easter evening?

* * *

When's the next holiday?

News-y

I'm watching the news for the first time in a while. This is the earliest I've been home in a long time so I figured, instead of catching up on my One Tree Hill DVR I'd see what's happening in the world. So far here are the highlights:

• Man stabs mother and girlfriend to death. Writes I <3 YOU on the wall above his dead girlfriend's body. In her own blood.
• Weather in New England is shitty.

• It's going to snow on Saturday. Just in time for my flight to France.

• "The brain was never born to read." Makes sense. I mean, tabula rasa and all, but hearing it just made me feel awkward.

• The Yankees spend way too much money on three players. Maybe they'll get into the post-season? GO SOX! PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT IN 5 WEEKS!

• What's going on with the Celtics?!?!?!!?

• "New York Times puts advertising on the front page. Mmmm...these are tough times indeed...(pause for effect) Coming up after the break: do YOU know how many text messages your teenager is sending? The number will shock you."

Commercial break. Flip to Discovery Channel. How It's Made is profiling pocket knives. Meh.

• Back to the news: Financial quagmire still happening, weather in New England still shitty, and if you really were curious your teen sends about 1200 text messages a month. 

 I think I'll stick to Perez Hilton for my news.

The big O

I don't like Oprah.

Yeah. I said it. Bring on the tar and feathers.

I find her incredibly self-righteous and insanely annoying. Also, she's one of those women who wears ridiculously high heels and then can't walk in them. I was watching her show once -not of my own volition, I was at a friends house- and she came on stage teetering on what appeared to be 6" heels. She could barely hold herself up! After she greeted the audience she plopped down on the couch and stayed there for the entire show. I don't even think she got up to greet her guest.

Last week I'm sitting on my couch, happily watching 30 Rock when who's mug appears on the screen? Oprah's. GAH! The woman has more money than God and she insists on walking around with those huge bags under her eyes. She could put her carry-on luggage in those things! And always appearing on the cover of her magazine? Is that really necessary? Well, actually I suppose it's good for the economy.If Oprah were to decide she didn't want to appear on her magazine covers she'd be putting a few hundred airbrushers out of business.

I was voted Most Likely To Have My Own Talk Show in my senior year of high school. Watch out. I'm coming for you Oprah.

500th Post

I figured I'd dedicate my 500th post (day-um) to how much I hate Halloween since today is in fact the dia de los muertos. Now, I realize hate is a very strong word and my parents told me that I should never use it but "severely dislike" just doesn't begin to explain how stupid I think this "holiday" is.

Honestly, if you're between the ages of 1 and 10 Halloween is cool. You get butt loads of candy and you get to hang out with your friends and walk around after your bedtime (even if you are with an adult). When I was a kid the trick-or-treating was follow-up by a party at my neighbors house. The kids would bob for apples, do candy exchanges and watch scary movies. The adults would hang out and knock back a few. It was awesome.

But now it's an excuse for girls to dress sluttier than they normally would and for guys to try and get laid by them. Why do I have to wear a costume to attend a party? I'm fabulous as my normal self. A costume takes away from the over all look.

I put all of my effort into HWEEN last year. LK, Plus One and I even went as far as to drive to an iParty in the suburbs. (GAH. I'm breaking out into hives at the thought of it). We were butterflies, complete with wings and fake lashes and home made antennae. We were going to meet up with friends and hit up this AMAZING party at The Stadium in Southie.

So after pregaming at my apartment and losing my fake eye lashes to the wind we headed to said party and waited in line for an hour and a half. Apparently whoever was hosting the party invited too many people and the place was already packed because of the Red Sox being in the World Series. -I don't know what I'm more upset about? The fact that I waited in line for 90 minutes or the fact that instead of watching the game I was dressed as a butterfly-. And it was humid as hell last year. Yeah something weird was going on with the weather because it was warm and I remember sweating severely and having my hair frizz up the second I stepped outside.

I was not a happy butterfly.

We said EFF YOU to the party and walked up Dorchester Ave and took over the first dive bar we saw. Half the people we were with were pissed because we weren't at a party and the other half (my half) were just thrilled to be at a bar with real live alcohol.

I kept my wings on for good measure as I flitted around the bar playing darts and doing shots. But it was a waste. For all the running around we did I could've just had everyone over in their costumes to my apartment to drink.

After my botched attempt at Halloween last year I vowed that I wouldn't do anything this year even remotely involved with Halloween. I was invited to carve pumpkins and I made up a story about a yoga class I wanted to go to. I was invited to a Halloween party this weekend which I had to decline due to my non-Halloween plans but even if I had nothing going on, I still wouldn't go. I'd rather catch up on Mad Men. 

My favorite holiday as all of you know is Fourth of July. You just can't beat a holiday where you don't have to be pressured to buy presents for anyone and where the setting is the beach, booze and BBQ. A colleague of mine constantly makes fun of me because of this. He can't believe that Fourth of July is someones favorite holiday. His is *SHOCKER*Halloween. He emailed me and told me that he is dressing up as Anakin and will be wearing his costume to work.

No, he doesn't work at a school, hospital or nursing home. He works in New York in packaging. He's in his 30's and he is WEARING HIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME TO WORK.

Fine you want to celebrate Halloween and go to an after work party whatever. Change into your costume after business hours. Don't tote around your light saber!

It's just weird.

But I am pumped for the 50% off candy that will be overflowing at my local Rite-Aid. At least one good thing comes out of this monstrosity of a holiday.

Effing the Flu Shot.

'Tis the season for dripping noses, whopping coughs and using up those sick days. Flu Season is upon us. It's looming on the horizon like a cumulonimbus cloud. And with Flu Season comes the Flu Shot.

I myself have never had a flu shot in my adult life. Sure I was pinned down and injected when I was a small child but since I've been old enough to make my own decisions I've declined the flu shot every time. Why? I've never had the flu.

I know. Apparently the idea that getting the flu shot gives you the flu is bogus. But I will tell you that neither my father or myself have had flu shots recently and we've never been sick -knock on wood-.

I was checking out Slut's brother's Facebook page and his update was "had a bad reaction to the flu shot." Then I learned yesterday that HLP had to go home on Monday because she had a bad reaction to this seasons flu shot.

I'm seeing a trend that I'm not quite comfortable with. Like boyfriend jeans.

Two years ago I went to the doctor for a Sarcoidosis check up -in remission *woot*- and the lung specialist was telling me how important it is for me to get the flu shot.

"Yeah. I'm good."

"Why don't you want it?"

"I've never had the flu."

"You know that's just an old wives tale. It's not true. You don't get the flu from a flu shot."

"Ok. I'll take my chances. Everyone I know gets sick after."

"But it's not true!" He was starting to get pissed. His stethoscope was all shaky. Maybe he had to meet a flu shot quota for the day? Who knows!

All I know is that currently I know two people who have had really bad reactions to the shot and no matter how badly I may need a day off, I'm not going to risk it. If it's going to happen I'll let it come naturally.

Bring it Flu!

Cheers to babies in bars!!

Last night I traipsed around the South End with JSutt and The Agent of Fabulousness. JSutt and I started out at Laura Preshong's cocktail party where we tried on $5800 rings with raw diamonds, drank red wine from plastic cups and munched on gourmet cheese doodles. It was a great time and we were surrounded by some cool people. And a child.

There was a woman there who didn't look to be much older than my 27 year old self, who was toting around, what appeared to be an 8 year old girl. The woman was going on and on about the jewelry and how amazing it was and when JSutt complimented her "You Don't Know Jacques" OPI nail color the girl just said, "Yeah I think that's the name. I never remember. It blows my mind how people can even remember the names of nail polishes."

I always remember the name of the color I get my nails done with. But I digress.

We downed our wine and made our way to the second party at Looc Boutique. The A of F met us there and with prosecco in hand we meandered around the space and watched JSutt try on clothes. As we were getting ready to leave the woman and her mini me came strolling through the door. I glanced down at my watch and it was 7:30. Shouldn't that little girl be watching Looney Tunes and getting ready for bed? Not party hoping through the South End.

When we were out on the street we started to talk about what a beast that woman was and then the A of F said, "And shouldn't that little girl be in bed?"

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII KNOW!" we proclaimed in Unison.

"The last time I was at Beehive a couple had their infant there," proclaimed JSutt. "They brought their infant to a loud jazz club and were just covering its ears!"

"Ugh, get a baby sitter!"

We finally made our way to Pho Reblublique. With all of the kid talk I needed a drink. We sidled up to the bar and ordered our respective cocktails. JSutt and I got vodka sodas with splashes of pineapples and the A of F got a mango margarita. When our drinks arrived I held up my class and said, "Cheers guys!" and as if on cue an ear piercing wail resonated through the restaurant. The three of us looked over to our left and sure enough there was a group of people enjoying dinner in a loud, crowded restaurant with a small baby in a carriage.

"Ugh."

"Totes ugh."

"So annoying."

"SO annoying!"

"To babies in bars!"

"TO BABIES IN BARS!"

*clink*

Crying in a corner with a mouth full of cavities.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. In preparation for all dentist appointments I usually brush twice, floss, use anti-cavity mouthwash and don't eat or drink for 3 hours prior to the appointment. Actually this is my daily routine anyway. I realize it sounds slightly over the top but in the past 5 years I have developed a crippling fear of having any cavities filled. 

It's actually kind of embarrassing. 

I've been going to this dentist since I was able to go to the dentist. When I was a kid and had to have my teeth drilled, I'm not saying I welcomed it but I was comforted by the laughy fun gas and just concentrated on being high instead of the drill digging into my molar. Then, a few years ago I had a routine appointment and Doc informed me that I had some decay in between two teeth and they'd need to drill. 

Suddenly I started to have a panic attack. I couldn't breathe and tears poured out of my eyes like a broken faucet. Doc and the dental assistant stared at my mascara stained face in shock. 

"Uh...er....open please." 

I cried through the entire procedure. Which in retrospect probably made the process even worse. 

Ever since then I buy floss in bulk. I've been virtually cavity free since that incident with a few missteps here and there which have been dually accompanied by rivers of tears. And whenever Doc comes to examine my X-rays and tells me that I have some spots to watch I start to well up. Oh, and I did get weepy when he told me I had to get a night guard because I clench my jaw at night resulting in cracked teeth. 

So yesterday I went into the dentist's office all prepared to be in and out in 30 minutes. The woman who cleaned my teeth looked like Magda and apparently hadn't cleaned my teeth personally since 1993. She told me I take good care of my choppers and asked me if I was a regular flosser.

"Uh huh."

Then the X-ray portion of the day came. I was relatively calm. Fifteen minutes went by and after Magda had finished slicing my gums up with her razor floss she came back with the X-rays.

Then she let out a low whistle. "Oh.....oooooofffffff......"

 

I twisted my head around, "What?! What is it?????"

"Lisa. Did you ever have braces?"

"No. My teeth are naturally this straight." It's true. I have amazingly straight teeth and never had a brace on this face. "Why?"

"Well you're developing some decay in between and..."

That was all I needed to hear. I started to breath heavy and sweat. I was like this when Doc came in. It has to be said that Doc looks like the man from the Curious George books

"Hi Lisa. How ah you?"

"Fine."

Then Doc and Magda observed my X-rays and in between low mummers I could here, "T6, 40, 38, 5, no no...4....and 5 I suppose."

Doc came over and sat down next to me. "So you have some cavities. And they are at the point now that we have to fill them. We could wait until your next appointment in 6 months but I'd rather not."

Doc  paused and I took this opportunity to burst into tears.

"Ok. Can you get her a tissue?"

Magda handed me the box and I covered my face with a Kleenex.

"Why does this happen to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" I wailed.

"I know. It's not the type of news you wanted to hear..."

Sob. Sob. Sob. Wah. Wah. Wah.

Still covering my face with the tissue I continued to cry. "I don't  know how this happens! I brush my teeth. I floss. Do you think I need to buy new floss? I use the anti-cavity mouth wash..."

Blank stares.

"I mean I'm not a big milk drinker. I only really have it when I eat cereal because personally I think milk is gross and do you think I should be eating more apples?

"Uuuh...Ya know. S-sometimes it's just genetic."

Groundbreaking. Really sometimes doctors just have all the answers.

I peaked out from behind my tissue. "So...gulp...are we doing this today?

"Oh no. Nooooooooo no no no. We'll set up two appointments. One for the left side. One for the right side."

I sniffled a thank you to Doc and he slipped out of the door, probably pumped that he avoided any future emotional outbursts.

Magda asked me what I was afraid of. "Is it the needle? You afraid of the Novocain?"

"What?  No. I don't mind needles. I watch my blood get drawn. I actually guide the phlebotomist to the correct vein. No. It's the drilling. The sound. The thought of that little drill pecking away at my teeth."

"Oh I see. Well for your appointments definitely bring an iPod and some headphones to drown out the drill sound."

I left the dentist crestfallen but what am I going to do? Not get them filled? Dentures at 27 aren't exactly a selling point ya know?

PS. Magda did ask me if I wanted to get screened for mouth cancer as it's apparently on the rise 27% (I think it was 27%) from last year. She explained that more and more teenagers are getting the mouth cancer. I found this an odd fact and asked her at what age you should start testing. You know like for a mammogram it's around your 40's.

She looked at me through her dentist glasses and said, "Well you know, it's not longer the smoking that's causing the mouth cancer. Now it's the oral sex."

I wanted to melt into a puddle and slide off of the chair.  

A fine state I'm in.

Today has been just one of those days. A day where no matter how much time you put into something at work, when you come up for air after blacking out at your computer for four hours, you're still in the weeds. (Weeds. I love that show!) You feel like you've accomplished nothing. If you're me you begin to get shifty eyed and look around your office, fiddle with your iPod, light a candle, go to the bathroom, apply lip gloss, get a coffee, get a water.

In other words: Procrastinate.

My office has been a mess for some time now. What with coming back from vacation, then turning around a day later and traveling for a trade show, then being in NYC all week last week, I just can't get my shit together. Plus I've got a lot of balls up in the air at work. You know how that is, when your balls are all floating up there waiting for someone to give you an answer so you can grab a ball and roll it towards a final destination. My balls have no destination. My balls are in purgatory.

Add to the fact that it's Doggy Day Care at the office today. Now I like me a dog. I do. Out of all of the animals that boarded that Ark, pooches are my favorite. I never had one as a small child ("Three kids and a husband are enough Leee-SAH!" was what The Donna would always say when I asked for one) but I've always had an affinity towards them. It's just that the constant yapping, barking, Oooohing and aaaaahing (myself included) is a bit of a distraction.

With all of this noise around me I've decided to clean said unorganized office. Below is a tour of my work space. Sit back, relax and be thankful that you're not me right now!  

 

Side table disaster area complete with non-alphabetized (is it non or un alphabetized...?)  hanging folders, Post-Its with L's on them, tissues and three vessels in which I keep Pens, Highlighters and Pencils (for when I have to do math).

Actual desk disaster area. This part of ground zero includes pamphlets from the trade show I went to one month ago, non-camera phone Black Berry, a binder that holds everything important that I do, empty plastic tubes and a vase full of fake shells that I purchased at The Christmas Tree Shoppe down the Cape.

 My view when sitting at my actual desk. These shelves contain makeup bags that we sell in our store. They are styles that represent the current season and if one more person walks in here and asks if they can have one I'm going to throw my SIGG bottle at them. Also that other desk and desk chair are extras. It's where my boss's daughter sits and draws pictures of me when she comes into the office. It's fun...

The Wall of Packaging (dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuun). It has three shelves. Shelf #1 holds formerly alphabetized, now extremely non/un-alphabetized projects in progress. Shelf #2 holds various plastic and glass packaging that used to be organized by size and vendor. Now all of the packs just kind of hold their own while twisting in the breeze. Shelf #3 is a shmorghasborg of shoes, bags of tubes, photo albums and a used paper towel...ew.

At least I'm going green! Well at least the sticker on the lamp pictured above is made out of corn based materials. It reads, "Think Green, Save Green!"  If you're wondering what that window leads to, you can rest easy knowing that it's my own personal drive through window. It looks into my boss's office so when I need time off or an order of fries I just slide it to the left, call our my request, question etc and we're good to go.

"Prune..."   I've got some work to do wouldn't you say? Are you digging my head set or what? I use it for long conference calls, barking at vendors or for calling JSlutt in the other room because frankly I can't be bothered with physically exhausting myself to cradle the phone. But how telemarketer is it?  "Hellooooooo 1-800-MATTRES??" (leave off that last S for savings!)

At least I've got my candles and iPod for ambiance while I rifle through this shit. Let's seeeeeeeeeee DJ Girl Talk or some new Madonna...? Thoughts? Suggestions?