Your Girlfriend is Ugly

My foul ball at the Red Sox game.

So last Wednesday night my cousin Nancy called me up and offered me four Red Sox tickets for the Friday night game. "Its our anniversary," she explained, "And I can think of a number of things I'd rather be doing that don't involve the Red Sox."

*wink*

I snatched up the tickets and on Friday, Plus One, HLP, Tall Dave and myself headed to Fenway for some franks and tap beer.

Oh and a two hour rain delay.

The rain delay didn't bother me so much. Well don't get me wrong, the snotting, sore throat and chills yesterday weren't all they're cracked up to be but at the time we were having fun! Since Plus One and HLP are cheap dates and can only have one drink, Tall Dave and I sustained ourselves on Bud Lite from the tap and various sundries that included nachos and large pretzels.

Since our seats were about 15 rows from the visiting dug out we weren't covered when the rain was coming down. So we shuffled up to the section of Fenway that is covered, right near the bleachers and waited out Mother Nature. Anyone ever been to Fenway during a rain delay? Let me tell you something, the music they play in the interim is pretty amazing. Like we had some Elton John, Billy Joel, Michael Jackson and a host of other tunes that were "shake your booty worthy". In fact, HLP provided the couple behind her with about an hours worth of amusement while she stood up and danced. On her way to the bathroom she did a little jig down the stairs too. It was pretty hilarious.

When the rain finally stopped, we moved back to our seats which were soaked. Twenty-eight billion napkins later we sat and took in Fenway which was glistening after the evenings rainfall. I don't care what you say, rain, snow, intense heat or a light zephyr, I love that park.

Were were in a section where there were four seats, then a bar then four seats on the other side. So it was kind of like you had your own row. The row in front of of us remained empty until a couple looking to be about in their late 20's came plodding along. The girl was mousy and looked like Donna Martin. She needed hair dye and a wardrobe makeover (I can't even get into her purse of choice, it's just too painful). The guy was super cute, tall, big and rocked a worn in Red Sox hat. I noticed he was wearing LEE jeans (hellooo Farmer Jack!) but I tried to ignore that and figure out if these two were a couple or just work friends with sexual tension.

I noticed that Donna Martin was tapping a text message on her RAZR. The tap beer had started to kick in so what else was there to do than to be creepy, lean forward and read what she was writing:

"Bob is sitting right next to me at the game..."

Um...Bob....?

It was at this point that Plus One started to crack up laughing and HLP was hissing at me to sit back. Since there are only six inches separating us, naturally Donna Martin turned around just in time to see me whip back and try to avoid eye contact with her while awkwardly asking Plus One what the score was (like she even knew how to find that out.)

But just to go back to the text message: if you're at a game with your boyfriend why would it be weird that he's sitting right next to you? So why is this even a question? Clearly they are friends who are awkward.

During a commercial break I started to talk to Tall Dave about How I Met Your Mother. He replied that he didn't watch it (blasphemy) but I proceeded to tell him about the funny episode anyway. At this time, the cute guy turned around and goes, "I love that show!" He was all smiles as we recounted the episode where Robin is a Canadian pop singer.

"Oh I didn't used to watch that show but HE got me into it about three months ago." I glanced over at Donna Martin.

"Uh-huh"

Back to the cute guy still smiling.

Donna Martin kept talking, "Did you see Britney Spears on it?"

At this point I was disregarding her existence as a human and trying to make eyes with my new boyfriend.

Thank God for the start of the inning. Donna Martin turned back around and My New Boyfriend gave me a final smile and settled in to his seat. I kept blabbering on about things. I mentioned how Kevin Youkilis looks like a White Supremacist with that beard and HLP and I commented about how half of the Red Sox players were born after 1982 and "MAN DO WE FEEL OLD!!!!!"

Donna Martin and my boyfriend got up and walked to the concession stand. Again I studied their body language: no hand holding and there were at least five feet between them.

I let out an audible sigh and then said in my loudest tap beer voice: "UGH. Just so everyone is AWARE...I SHOULD BE DATING HIM! HE SHOULD LIKE, TOTALLY BE MY BOYFRIEND! WHAT IS HE DOING WITH DONNA MARTIN ANYWAY???"

HLP and Plus Once collapsed into hysterics. As I came up for air I noticed a pair of blue eyes staring at me.

Oh! We had new neighbors! The row next to us was filled in by three guys and one girl and the guy closest to us had heard everything I said. I made eye contact with him and held his gaze, waiting for him to tell me what a mean person I was and "who was I to criticize???" But instead he erupted in laughter, let out a "JESUS CHRIST!" in between his guffaws, then he raised his beer and said "CHEERS! I TOTALLY AGREE!!"

We clinked plastic beer cups and I think maybe even high-fived but then I said all serious like, "Ok but can you like not tell them I said that?"

The "are they or aren't they" couple came back (the guy with the blue eyes gave me an over the shoulder smirk) and still, no hand holding, no making out after every hit/strikeout/home run (trust me, this is what you do when you're at a game with a BF/GF) and at one point I noticed him being lame and pulling her hood over her head.

Um. I used to do that to Jake Mello in 4th grade.

I am apparently obsessed with this guy. Maybe this blog will serve as a MISSED CONNECTION for him. I just don't want scads of guys who wear LEE jeans clogging my inbox.

Oh the horror.

Apparently I need a geography lesson...

This would SO be considered an Overheard in Boston, had someone been in the room with me. Enjoy this little blog where I poke oodles of fun at myself....

So I was on the phone with Rose last night. I had texted her to tell her to call my cell phone because I downloaded a new Ring Back Tone (Journey's "Any Way You Want It". I heart Journey!!!) So we were chatting and she was telling me how the night before her boyfriend was regaling her with the story of how he came over to America. Rose's man is from Brazil.

Truth be told, Rose was telling me the story and I was half listening (sorry HLP!!!) I was still at work and I get to get my shit done. It was almost 6:00pm and I wanted to get out of there. So Rose is talking, "I mean, Lisa. He told me the story and it is just like you hear in the movies!"

I was typing up a spreadsheet and replied, "Why? Did he like come over on a raft?"

Rose is kind of quiet then bursts out with, "He came over through Mexico!"

I'm perplexed. "But isn't he from Brazil?"

"What do you think?! That he took a raft over here from South America? That he just sailed straight through the Panama Canal and over to America??!!"

We both pretty much laughed about it for a sold ten minutes until tears were streaming down my face. But I hung up the phone and immediately googled a map of South America. Yes, I suppose that would have been quite the dubious trip....

She probably just shoulda sprung for a cab....

So we're at lunch today and Makenzie (The new girl. She's totes fun) starts to tell us a story that she heard on the Silver Line the other day. So I just have to say that this is not my story, but it is way to good to NOT have on YGIU.com and I asked Mak if I could blog about it and she gave me the OK.

So Makenzie was on the Silver Line on her way to work and she overheard this girl telling another girl a story about her friend. Apparently the story teller's friend's dog had died (we'll call her Dead Dog Girl=DDG. Just so everyone is on the same page, DDG is not telling the story. The Silver Line girl is telling the story about DDG. Don't want to confuse anyone).

Well apparently DDG was freaking out because her huge dog died and she had to take it to the vet to get it "taken care of" or whatever that means. And DDG didn't have a car and she was freaking out because she couldn't necessarily bring her dead dog onto the T in an Old Navy bag. So what was she to do?

So DDG apparently whipped out a suitcase and put her huge dead dog into the suitcase and brought the suitcase on the T so she could dispose of her poor deceased pooch. Well you can imagine how heavy the suitcase was. Makenzie didn't get any details as to what kind of dog it was, but I'm thinking it was like a Great Dane or an Irish Wolf Hound or something that resembles a small pony.

DDG's stop approached and she was lugging her heavy suitcase up the T stairs when a man came over and says, "That looks heavy can I help you with that?" DDG took the offer. As he's lugging the suitcase filled with the dead dog up the stairs the guy goes, "Jeez this is heavy!! What do you have in here?!"

("Umm..NOT a dead dog...")

To which DDG replied, "Oh...uh well I just moved back from college so I packed my lap top in there and some clothes..."

Upon hearing this, the guy then punches the girl in the face, knocks her out and takes off with the suitcase......

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A;LDJF;ALJDFA;LSFJDA;LSFDJAS;LFJAS;LFJA;SLDFJA;LSDJFA;LSGJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that NOT the most random thing you've EVER heard?! The guy's expecting to probably open it up and find a brand new MAC that this girls parents bought her. Instead he's going to find a rigamortis pooch!!! So I guess the girl woke up and her suitcase was gone. I'm not sure what happened after that. Makenzie had to get off the T to get to work.

I mean why wouldn't you call a cab? It's a lot easier to tell the cabbie to pop the trunk than it is to hike the thing onto the subway (although in retrospect, I suppose it would look a little fishy if you have a huge heavy suitcase and then tell the cabbie to head to the vet....no?)

But aren't there services that you can call? Like an the animal control people to tell them to please come and get your dead dog? I'm sure there are ways.