Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Donde estan mis pantelones?

In case you hadn't heard I moved to the tri-state area. My company relocated me so I'm living in Hoboken which is awesome (and also where they hide all of the hot men) and working out of our office in the Jersey suburbs as well as the office in Manhattan. Here's the thing; when I was working in the office in Boston it was super casual. I'm talking like wife beaters and lululemon yoga pants to work. Now it's all business casual. This includes no jeans.

Even on Fridays. I have two dresser drawers filled with jeans so you can imagine how annoying this is.

My dilemma is that I don't own any dress pants. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii know! Like dress pants to me are a foreign concept. Plenty of dresses sure? cute little baby doll tops to wear with leggins? You got it. But no dress pants. And with the weather being so craptastic and rainy lately getting dressed in the morning causes me to have severe agida.

Thus far I've spent about $500 shopping online for pants. I could save myself the returning headache and just go to a mall to shop but 1.) I'm new to the area and have no idea where anything is and 2.) I'm so paranoid about driving when I don't have to because finding parking in my neighborhood blows (see this blogto read all about it.) At present time I loathe all of the pants I've received from J.Crew.com, Anntaylorloft.com and Gap.com.

So what am I doing? Wearing a pair of former fat pants from the Gap. These were purchased long before I joined Weight Watchers and lost 35 pounds. Right now they are falling off me. Plus it makes me look like I have an extra stomach because the waist has stretched out and causing the illusion of a paunch.

I am a mess. And I need pants.

In these hard times you can't afford to be a bitch. Especially if you work on commission.

A few days ago I was shopping in Boston's Copley Squarewhen I decided to head into Neiman Marcus

I was browsing some of the high end makeup and skincare lines; Chantecaille, Darphin, La Prairie, when I decided to head over to fragrance to see what was new.

I had heard about the new Valentino fragrance and how beautiful the bottle was but I wanted to see for myself. True to all of the hype is really is a beautifully crafted package and the fragrance is divine. I sprayed some on myself and then took in the gorgeous floral scent.

"Can I help yeeeeeeew?" I looked up and a very well coiffed sales lady was peering at me.

"Oh no thank you. I'm just looking."

I took a few more peaks at what was new. I wasn't that taken with the new Gucci fragrance but I was absolutely loving the David Yurman EDP. The sales lady stared me down, which I can't stand. Peering at me over your Chanel glasses is not going to make me want to spend money.

Just then I received a phone call and went outside to take it. As I was hanging up, I happened to catch a waft of myself. It was the Valentino perfume. It had sat on my skin for a while and the dry down was absolutely amazing.

My 'I NEED THAT' instincts kicked in and I raced for the escalator. But before I stepped foot back into the store I stopped and talked myself off of the ledge.

"Lisa, you need to stop. You used to be so impulsive with purchases and it got you into a lot of trouble financially. I know you love this fragrance now and maybe you will love it tomorrow too. But get a sample of it first and try it out. That way you'll know that you really REALLY love and then maybe after you've lived with it for a little while you can come back and get it."

"But, self, I want it now!"

"Lisa..."

"Ok."

I walked back over to the fragrance counter and Chanel Glasses lady had a friend with her, a fellow sales associate. I smiled at Chanel Glasses.

"Hi."

"Hi. How can I help yeeeeeeeeeeeeew?"

"Well, I sprayed the Valentino on me and I love it. It's so amazing."

"Mmmmmm...iiiiiiiisn't it?" That was the other sales associate. She was staring me up and down. Her gaze stopped on my Old Navy jeans and then made their way up my body to my LL Bean rain coat.

I focused my attention on Chanel Glasses. "Do you have any samples of it? I'd like to try it before I commit."

"I don't think we do but let me double check."

"We don't," said the other woman curtly.

What a beast!

Chanel Glasses actually opened a few drawers before confirming what the other associate had already stated.

"Maybe you can put it on your Christmas list and someone can buy it for you."

What is what I hate about big name department stores?! They assume if you're not decked out in Tory Burch that you don't have the cash. Did they not see Pretty Woman?! Don't assume anything.

I turned to the beastly woman and said, "First of all, I'm Jewish so I don't have a Christmas list (I'm not Jewish) and second of all, I can buy it myself I just wanted a sample to make sure I wouldn't hate it."

I left the two woman standing there with their mouths agape and hustled out of the store as fast as my Nine West flats could take me!

Shape up

Yesterday I decided to wear my new full body shaper for the first time. I got it at Wal-Mart for $13 and bought it for the sole purpose of keeping my hips in check. I could carry septuplets and not have a problem with the child bearing hips I'm sporting.

My outfit consisted of a dress, tights, my new shaper and my fierce Mark Fisher heels (alternated with flats throughout the day). The shaper did the job. It sucked in all the right places and created curves where necessary however, going to the bathroom became somewhat of a challenge.

See with a full body shaper, if you have to go to the bathroom they make it so you unhook the crotch area. It's the same idea as unhooking your bra. Ladies if you went to middle school in the 90's then you probably know what I'm talking about because didn't we all used to rock those patterned bodysuits?? 

Remember that. *shudder*

Anyway with my shaper I was having sort of a hard time unhooking my crotch so I could do my duties. The first time I tried I got so stressed out and sweaty I just ended up taking off my dress.

As I was putting my clothes back on I said to myself, "Ok Lisa. Next time you have to work on getting the hooks undone. You can't be getting naked in the bathroom."

I went to the bathroom about 5 times in the office and I couldn't for the life of me get the damn shaper unhooked. Each time I had to disrobe so I could pee.

It wouldn't have been a big deal, the bathroom in the office is just a one person type of deal so it's not like anyone can spy on you, it's just that we all had plans to go out later on that night so what was I going to do if I had to pee at the bar?

Well I soon found out because roughly 30 minutes into my first vodka soda I had to use the ladies room. I walked in, smiled at the attendant and then pimped all the way down to the handicapped stall so I'd have ample arm room to maneuver my dress on and off. I stealthily took my dress off, making sure to crouch down so no one would see my flailing arm movements and then hung it nicely on the hook of the door.

All was going well until I glanced over and could actually see the girl in the stall next to me through the two inch crack between the wall and the stall door.

If I could see her chilling on the toilet then she could probably see me chilling on the toilet. Naked.

"Oh Christ...." I mumbled to myself.

I finished going to the bathroom, pulled up my shaper and tights and then stood very still behind the door. I made sure that I was out of anyones sight line and waited until the girl next to me exited the premises. Then I grabbed my dress and carefully put it back on. I smiled at the attendant as she handed me a towel. Did she just wink at me?

I made my way back to my table of friends and vowed to practice unhooking my shaper so as to not risk getting caught, literally with my pants down. Or with no pants at all.