Your Girlfriend is Ugly

Real Housewives of New Jersey finale recap!

Oh. My. Gawd. Did you see the Real Housewives of NJ throw down last night? I did and let me tell you something. I loved every minute of it.

Let's recap the housewives shall we?

Dina  

The blond Italian bombshell who is sisters with Caroline (see below). She's finally gotten her career off the ground (celebrity interior decorator...) but suddenly realizes that she doesn't want to miss any of her 12 year old daughter Lexi growing up. As it is she turned around and "Lexi already had tits."

Aaaaw. Love you too mom!

PS. Dina's husband who supposedly married her for her face is never in the picture. According to Dina they've been married for three years and the amount of time they've seen each other has equaled 2 weeks. My guess is that he's out working to make all of the money she spends.

Whatever. I still want her hair.

Caroline

Dina's big sister and the only Housewife who can claim that her bubbies are real.

Caroline is like the mob-boss of the entire group. This title is solidified when she dead-pans to Danielle, "Let me tell you something about my family, we're tick as teeves."

Tony Soprano ain't got nothing on sweet Caroline.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline is married to Dina and Caroline's brother Chris who I like totally want to marry. Chris is so hot. He's got this sweet mountain man-like quality to him. I could totally see us catching baseball games together and me baking him scotch-a-roos.

Um. Anyway.

Jacqueline is super sweet and is the only one who is nice to skeezy Danielle (below). I think Jacqueline is totally beautiful but she just needs to get those bubbies taken out. She's super tiny but the boobs make her look bigger than she is. I'd totally kill for her legs though.

Teresa

Teresa, who's phrase to live by is "happy wife, happy life"  is my absolute favorite housewife. Love Love Love her. She's got the accent, the hair and she is in love with the fact that she's a hardcore Jersey girl.

I loved the episode where Teresa was like "My husband Joe is just so gorgeous with his big arms. He's just so big and juicy. Oh I love him!"

And the museum that she and Joe built is out of this world. Teresa just goes around all day spending money and watching after her three little girls. I'm sure she does other things besides that but if she only spent money all day I'd have no problem stepping in for her.

Danielle

 

Doesn't she just look like a needle filled with Botox??

 

The one thing that always got me about Danielle, besides her incredible narcissism, is her eyebrows. Like, is she aware that her eye brows start at the middle of her nose and go up to the center of her forehead?

 

No one likes poor Danielle except Jacqueline who met D$ while getting her hair done. Apparently Danielle talked the entire time and within 5 minutes Jackie felt like she knew everything there was to know about D. Well duh. The woman doesn't shut up about herself.

 

The Episode

 

So last night we're introduced to Teresa's new house and her new rack (girl got implants in the previous episode). While showing Dina around her new digs (ps how funny was the part where Dina was like "what the hell is that smell? I can't breathe!" hahahah) Teresa decides that she wants to have a house-warming party. But it won't actually be in the new house because it's not fully ready yet so Teresa is just going to invite all of her friends to her favorite restaurant.

 

Oooookaaaaaay....??

 

She then drops the bomb on Dina that she fully intends on extending an invitation to Danielle. Even though everyone would rather see her get a stiletto to the eye than sit at a dinner table with her.

 

But "Teresa isn't a cruel person so she's going to invite her anyway."

 

Effing love it.

 

A few more things happen throughout the episode. Dina's daughter Lexi suddenly becomes too cool for stuffed animals and cleans out her bedroom, removing 7 plastic bags full of stuffed friends from under her bed. Dina, naturally, blames the help.

 

"This is what happens when you have a housekeeper who vacuums under your bed instead of doing it yourself. You find out that your daughter has 7 bags full of stuffed animals."

 

Sure. BLAME the maid!

 

Then we see that Caroline has an attack dog. Apparently the dog is for crazy fans or way-ward friends who get too close to the house. The dog will viciously gut you, spilling your intestines onto the pristine marble floor if you so much as go to give Caroline the thumbs-up.

 

After a demonstration where the German Shepherd nearly rips a guys arm off, Caroline coos to the beast, "Good boy! You're a good boy!"

 

Fast-forward to Jacqueline who's 17-year old daughter Ashley is a total brat. Home girl is mean to her mother and flunked school so she had to go to summer school. Flunking school? Doing "Ok" in summer school?  Being disrespectful to her mother? What's the only natural thing to do? Why buy her a brand new, tricked out car of course!!!

Even after Jacqueline's army colonel dad said to not give her the car they did it anyway. *Sigh* They are just too nice.

 

Oh then we have Danielle who used to be a "model" back in the day who was arrested for possession and changed her name because of the arrest. This woman has two children btdubbs.

 

Anyway so Danielle accosts her poor daughters who are 10 and 14 who are both forced to listen to their mother tell stories of her modeling hay-days. For five excruciating minutes we see as Danielle flips through a photo-album of what you think might be pictures of her and her girls who "mean the world to her" but instead they are pictures of her modeling.

 

While flipping through the pages she says, "And here I am 11 weeks after giving birth."

 

The daughters stare blankly at their mother and proclaim, "Wow. Your photos are racy!"

 

AKA: You're a ho-bag mom.

 

So the scene with the dinner party begins. The booze are flowing, everyone is in a good mood, Teresa is telling a story about how her husband wanted to have sex with her maybe 5 hours after she had her implants put in. Everyone is in a jolly good mood.

 

Then Danielle walks in. Of course she's late. Her two daughters are lagging behind her looking as if they'd rather have bamboo shoots shoved up their fingernail beds than be at this party.

 

So again, everyone is in a good mood then Danielle reaches down and puts "The Book" on the table.

 

Apparently Danielle's first ex-husband wrote this book and it tells a bunch of lies but one main truth about how she was arrested. Because of her arrest she changed her name. Danielle thinks that Dina spread the book around town to ruin her reputation. Dina says she didn't. Danielle apparently thought it was a good idea to bring the book with her and confront everyone about it.

 

You know the show's producers were like, "Ok. Danielle. We'll give you an extra 50K if you throw the book on the table and start going at it with everyone."

 

I'd do it.

 

At first everyone is incredulous and has the "Oh no she di'in't" look on their faces.

 

Then the tempers start to flare. Everyone is yelling back and forth. Caroline presides over the shit show and tells everyone to let Danielle speak and have her peace.

 

Danielle speaks. No one cares. She basically calls Teresa dumb and then Teresa flips a table over. It took two tries but she eventually got the table fully flipped over.

 

Here is a scene before Teresa's big Hulk moment (notice her big juicy hubby Joe):

I can't find a picture of her after the table flip so if you want to see it go and Youtube it. Trust me. It was hilarious. The best part of the whole thing? Joe shielding Teresa after she went bananas, grabbing her face and kissing her. He was just like "I love my table flipping wife!"

And all the while all of their respective children are in the room looking around like, "uuuhhh," and one kid even mutters, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawkward!!"

Finally everyone leaves with nothing really resolved. Danielle blames Dina for spreading the book around Franklin Lakes, but like any good leader, Caroline takes the fall for it, telling Danielle that it was her who spread the book around town. I mean Danielle would rather take Dina than Caroline so I'm sure she'll back off now.

All I care about is when the next season starts!

Notes from the Path train

Now that I live in Hoboken and commute into Manhattan twice a week I've become a slave to public transportation. I even take (gasp) the bus sometimes. I'm no stranger to using the NYC subway it's just that I haven't had to do it in a while and living in Boston and the 'burbs of Boston you drive everywhere.

So the Path trainhas become my new best friend. I honestly don't know why everyone hems and haws about living in Hoboken. My commute to work is 40 minutes door to door. Even when the trains are packed and you're standing in someone's armpit I still get to 57th and Madison in exactly 40 minutes. Take THAT B line! (If you're from Boston you totally get that reference.)

The one thing I will never understand though is people who stand right in front of the doors. For example this morning I get off the 126 bus and make my way down to the train. It was already brimming with people. I selected the car I wanted to ride in and noticed that there was a girl standing with her back to the open door.

"Excuse me."

Naturally she was wearing an iPod.

"EXCUSE ME!"

She shimmied over a little and I took my place next to her but away from the door.

About three minutes went by and people kept filing into this car. Everyone had to say excuse me to this dumb bitch standing in the door way. And every time someone say excuse me she's huff, give a sideways glance and move a little to allow them in, but then she'd go right back to standing in front of the door.

Ok fine. You want to stand in front of the door whatever. I could give a shit. But don't be a bitch about it! Don't huff at the fat guy with the backpack who is trying to make the train just because you have some weird need to stand in front of the Path door.

I was telling LK about this and she explained that the same thing happens on the F train. Apparently there is a stop where everyone gets out to connect to the A train and the train basically empties out but there is always one person standing in front of the doors who will not move.

Is it like a sense of entitlement thing? Are people just being bad-asses?

Why do I care?

Don't try to be lawless in Hoboken. It will cost you $80.

I'm now three weeks into my new life in the tri-state area. So far so good! My apartment is all set up, pictures are hung up on the wall and I even have the recycling schedule committed to memory...even though I haven't been recycling. Bad Lisa Bad!!!

The only downside to Hoboken is the parking. Parking blows the big one. And not yet having a resident sticker makes it even more difficult.

See, when I lived in South Boston (Southie for you locals) you could park in a cross-walk and the most you'd get is a $10 ticket. Totally worth it! But here in Hoboken forget it! From the end of the sidewalk to about two car lengths in is a yellow line. And if you park anywhere near that yellow line your ass is booted, towed and ticketed. It's so unreal!

I was at dinner with one of my co-workers who lives in the neighborhood and I was telling her how stressed out I was about parking. She explained to me how she used to be very nervous about parking as well but after a while she would park her car in the yellow line and she noticed that as long as she left for work early she never got a ticket.

So, last Thursday I'm driving around and driving around and ready to rip my blond hair out because there is not a single spot to park! It was one of those times where everyone in front of me was finding a parking spot except me. I was on the verge of tears when I saw half of a parking spot, the other half was in the yellow line.

"Fuck it."

I had a dentist appointment the next morning at 8am. I figured I'd be done by 8:30 and would be able to just scurry out of the illegal spot unscathed.

Fast forward the next morning.

The Scene: Hoboken, NJ. Cold, cloudy and raining like a mofo.

Lisa in the dentist chair, looking dreamily at her new dentist as he pokes and prods in her mouth.

The outfit: Lisa wearing a dress with footless leggins and rubber flip flops with no traction (this information comes in handy at the end of the story)

Now guys. Let's talk about my new dentist. He was hot. Like hotter than hot. Like he was hot like the fire that consumes other fire. He could've put his entire fist in my mouth to check for cavities and I would've been OK with it.

The only thing is that he talked. A. LOT. And he was so dreamy that when I finally exited the dentist office I didn't realize how late it was. I glanced down at my Fauxlex and saw that it was 9:30.

"Shit."

With the rain coming from every which way and my flip flops offering no support I made a mad dash for Clinton and 12th street.

"It's gonna be there! It's gonna be there! It's gonna be there," I chanted to myself as I passed the Fresh Picked Deli.

"Lisa. Who are you kidding. You parked illegally and you have Mass plates. Your car is so towed," said my other self.

"SHUT UP!"

I came to the corner where I distinctly remember parking the night before and there was no Suzi.

"Fuck."

I dialed the Hoboken Police station and said that this was not an emergency but I think my car got towed.

"What kinda car is it sweetie?"

"Jetta. White. Mass plates."

"Yeah we got it. You need to go to the Tow place on Jefferson and 16th."

"Ok. Thanks."

I did not have the number for a cab, I was wearing flip flops and it was down pouring. Naturally I walked to Jefferson and 16th which was about a 10 minute walk away. Thank God I had my white umbrella with multi-colored polka dots so shield me from the horrific weather.

I finally arrived.

"Can I help you?"

"Hi. That's my car," I pointed to Suzi.

"Ok. Do you have your release form?"

"My who and what now?"

"Your release form."

"I'm from Boston.....?"

"Ok. Go to that window and talk to Ronnie."

Ronnie was a tall and slender man who looked kind of like Clint Eastwood, but less squinty.

"Hi. I need to get my car."

"Do you have your release form?"

"No."

"Ok. You need to take your registration, insurance card, and license and go to the Police Station so they can release your car."

"Ooooohkaaaay. Do you have a number for a cab since I can't actually drive to the police station?"

"Here. Come with me."

I followed Ronnie back to the front where all of the cars were chilling. There scrawled on the wall was a 201 phone number for a Hoboken car service.

"Wait, Ronnie. You said I need an insurance card?"

"Yeah."

"Ok well I moved here two weeks ago from Boston and they don't give out insurance cards in Massachusetts."

Ronnie stroked his 5 o'clock shadow. "Hmmm...well you need that in New Jersey to get your car back...hmmm..."

I looked at him with the doe-iest of eyes I could muster.

"Ok. When you get to the police station ask for Officer Bobby Castellano. I'll give him a call to let him know you're on your way."

"Officer Castellano."

"Yeah."

Ten minutes later the car service dropped me off at the station. Now, let me tell you something readers. Those Hoboken cops are HOT. Like I walked in and thought I was at a model casting. This one guy walked by me with those tight cop pants tucked into the high boots and he was bald and had a huge tattoo with the name ALVEREZ on his bicep. I was like "CUFF ME NOW!"

I must've been standing in the middle of the hallway for a while checking out the fine cop ass that was surrounding me because finally an officer asked me if I needed help.

"Oh. Yes I'm uh looking for Officer Castellano...?"

"Sure. He's right in there."

I walked into a room that was marked "Autos" and stood in line behind a guy who was getting finger printed. Jesus! Do they finger print you here too if your car gets towed? They are no joke!

The man identified as Officer Castellano walked over to me and asked if I needed help.

"Hi. I was sent over by Ronnie...?"

Bobby gave me a nod and asked in a loud voice if I had my registration and insurance card.

"I uh moved here from Boston two weeks ago. They don't do insurance cards in Mass."

He gave a curt nod and walked over to a clerk who filled out my paperwork in 2 minutes. The nice lady then walked over to me, told me to be mindful of the signs and handed me my release form for my car.

I then called a cab to take me BACK to the tow place so I could get my car. Upon entering the tow place a guy who looked liked he belonged on Deadliest Catch greeted me with a nod and a wink.

"Can I help ya?"

"Yes. Hi. I'm here to get my car back."

"Got ya release form?"

"I do."

"Ok. Follow me."

I followed Deadliest Catch guy to the little window.

"How much is this going to cost me?"

"$80."

"And you guys take cards?"

"Yup."

Well this was an improvement at least from when I'd get my car towed in Boston. There it was $110 and CASH ONLY.

I paid the guy, got my receipt and said, "I hope to never see you again."

He gave a hearty laugh and said, "Well at least not here." Then he winked at me.

WELCOME TO HOBOKEN!

Overheard in the 'burbs: Easter Weekend Edition

Friday: "But I gave birth to you for Christ's sake!"

On Friday evening around 7:50pm I walked into the family room where my parents were to alert The Donna that we should probably saddle up and hit the road to go pick up my sister Shana who was arriving at Rt. 128 station from New York.

My dad was watching some sort of program on the History Channel and The Donna was sitting on the couch snapping the ends off of 78 pounds of raw green beans. In between beheading the beans she was popping jelly beans into her mouth. Earlier that day I was putzing around CVS and decided to buy my mom some of her favorite candy.

"Mum we should probably get going."

"Leeeee-SAH these jelly beans suck."

"Um. Sorry...?"

"No thea wicked hahd."

I grabbed one and chewed on it. No unusual consistency to be found.

"Mum they're fine. If you want something soft to chew on eat one of these." I chucked the Swedish Fish bag at her and gestured that we needed to make a move.

"No Leee-SAH seriously. Hea..."

I then watched as my mother removed the half masticated jelly bean from her mouth and waved it in my face.

"Hea try this."

"I am NOT eating that!"

"Fa God's sake I gave birth to you!"

"And.."

"Hea eat it. Tell me it's not wicked hahd."

"Mum get outta here! Would you eat the jelly bean in my mouth???" I grabbed the half eaten green one and pressed it between my fingers.

To my surprise The Donna went for it!

"MUM!!! GROSS!!!" I shoved the bean back in my mouth. "Can we go please."

"Fine. But I don't know what you're freaking out about. I gave birth to you."

"Yes you said that. Come on we're going to be late."

Sunday afternoon: "I only like Wheel of Fortune."

For Easter we had my cousin Pam and Charles over with two of their three boys, Ben and Matt and my dad's older sister Aunt Nancy.

We were all sitting around the table drinking coffee and having pound cake when Pam (who is no stranger to my tales of waxing) asked what we all did last night

"Shana and I just hung out and watched a movie."

"Yeah," my dad grumbled, "Donna and I watched a movie too. Slumdog Millionaire. It SUCKED."

"Dad! How can you say that? It was soooo good! And it won like every award so at the very least you can appreciate it."

"I haven't seen it yet," said Pam.

"It flashes back a lot and Donna and I were just kind of confused."

"You have to pay attention," I explained to him. "Maybe you should watch it again."

"No. Oooooooh no."

"I don't think it was the right movie for mom and dad," said my sister. (What would be the right movie for my parents??)

My dad continued, "Plus it was about a game show. And I hate game shows."

"It was not about a game show dad."

"Well it sort of was. I'm not big on game shows. I mean I like a good episode of Wheel of Fortune but that's about it"

Sunday late afternoon before dinner: And the brutality just keeps on comin'

There are a handful of topics that are off limits for discussion during family functions. Two of the main ones are politics and the Massachusetts school system. My mother is very active in my towns school committee and talking about it boils her blood. And she has high blood-pressure. So we put these restrictions in place to keep The Donna alive.

Well somewhere in between the cheese ball and the Mets game the topic of schools came up. Pam is a math teacher in Mass so she and my mom were talking. Then I hear Pam tell my mom that they are going to start putting the BMI of kids on their report cards.

"Ah you serious Pam?" said The Donna.

"Yup. Now the school is responsible if your kid is fat," replied Pam.

My Aunt Nancy then turned to me and said, "Lisa you must be glad you're not in school any more huh?"

When the left I took my sister to the train, came home and immediately did my Tank Top Arms and Boy Short Bottom work out DVD.

How did you spend your Easter evening?

* * *

When's the next holiday?

My worst nightmare.

This past weekend I spent time at our Cape house with my family relaxing, eating great food and doing some major shopping damage. My sister was home for the weekend so it was a nice opportunity to recharge our batteries.

On Saturday evening we went to our favorite restaurant in Osterville called Wimpy's. It's family owned and we've been going there for years. Plus we've become good friends with two of the waitresses Catherine and Tricia.

That particular evening  we were lucky enough to have Catherine as our server. She's Irish and can take a joke. Plus she always makes sure there's a nice big healthy pour in my wine glass.

Three-quarters of the way through the meal and three rounds of drinks in, a family seated a few tables down started to sing. I spotted four children; three girls and a boy. One of the girls was of toddler looking age. She had a pacifier in her mouth and didn't look like she could pee in the bathroom yet. That's a toddler right? Anyway this supposed toddler was having a hissy fit so the family was serenading "The Wheels On The Bus" to her.

This is my worst nightmare come to life. I don't like children. They make me nervous and they are dirty and they are so chatty. Like Jesus! The sky is just blue OK?!

Right in the middle of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" Catherine came over to see how we were doing.

I gestured my head towards the singing family and said to her, "Think they'll sing us a song?"

"Well let's see about that." And off Catherine went...to the table where the singing family was seated. To ask them if they'd sing to us.

You've got to be kidding me.

I heard her say, "That nice lady right there wants to hear a song from you." Catherine was talking to the little boy who had chocolate caked on his face and her finger was aimed right at me.

Oh God.

After some hemming and hawing the mother wrangled her brood and brought them over to where we were sitting.

I was horrified.

"Ok guys. Ya ready???"

I glanced at my phone. It was 8:15. Shouldn't children be in bed by now? Not out singing to strangers?! 

"The Wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The Wheels on the bus go round and round. All through town. The windows on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The windows on the bus go up and down all though towwwwwn."

Ok fine it was cute. I decided to give them a standing O "YAAAAAAAAAY! Oh how wonder-"

"The driver on the bus goes sit right down. Sit right down. Sit right down. The driver on the bus..."

"....ful...UGH!!!!"

"....goes sit right down. Aaaaaal throooooooooough tooooooooooooooooooooown."

CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. "Great job you guys!"

"The mother on the bus shoes shhh shhh shhhh, shhh shhh shhh...."

You've. Got. To. Be. Shitting. Me. Who else is on this Gdamn bus!!!??? If there is a field trip on this bus I'm killing myself with this butter knife.

"....The mother on the bus goes shhh shh shhhh alll through tooooooooown."

I held my breath, pleading to the baby Jesus that there would be no more verses of The Wheels on the Bus. He answered my prayers. But then we had to clap and catch the air kisses given to us by the little toddler child.

If Jack Bauer ever needs to resort to extreme torture to get information out of someone I recommend The Wheels on the Bus.  

Just your regular run of the mill classy commute

This morning I was tooling down 95 North on my way to the office. I was just passing Exit 11 in Norwood when I nearly rear-ended the guy in front of me because he was doing 55 in the left lane.

Not. Cool.

Naturally I had to pass him so I eased into the middle lane, only a woman in a fluorescent yellow car was keeping pace with the 55 MPH left hand lane dude.

ARGH!

I stayed in the middle lane until a gap wide enough opened up so I could slide Suzi back into the left lane and continue on my way.

As I passed the yellow car which I could now identify as a Chevrolet Monte Carlo, I noticed that the driver was giving me the finger.

I made a face at her and then said out loud, "SERIOUSLY???"

Who gives the finger on a Wednesday morning? When it's sunny? And furthermore, she was driving a car that looked like this:

If anything I should be flipping her off!

Shopping spree here I come!

You know how people always say that if your palm is itchy it means you have money coming your way? Well I never understood this because my palms are itchy all the time and all that comes my way in the form of money is a ten cent Euro coin laying at the bottom of my bra drawer.

But last night I was trying to suppress an itch in my left hand when I came across a mint green pouch in my DVD basket. Inside contained about 10 gift cards given to me back in Christmas of 2007. The first thing that came to my mind was "Wow, I'm such a gracious gift recipient." The second thing was "I hope these puppies have some moola left on them!"

So this morning (at work) I called up the 1-800 numbers on the back of my cards and punched in all of the account numbers. Turns out I had $50 on a Shaw's card, $100 on a Macy's card , $7 left on an H&M card and $15 on a gas card.

This is fantastic. My shopping these days consists of the essentials: tampons, deodorant, gum. You know, the usual stuff a girl needs to get by when she's on a budget. Now I can go to Shaw's and get the expensive cereal I love and not break down on the way because my car has been running on E for the past five days.

It's almost like hitting Mega-millions.

Pajama bottom etiquette.

Last night I was driving to Brookline and I rolled up to a stop sign to let some pedestrians cross. Darting across the street was a girl looking to be in her mid-20's wearing UGG slippers, a cropped hoodie and pajama bottoms with rainbows on them.

Why? Why do people think it is OK to wear their pajamas out in public? I posted this as my Facebook status last night and it got quite the response. One person just kept saying "Life is too short to care what people think about you."

Well if you don't mind being thought of as White Trash then OK. You're a better person than I am.

If you have to go outside to pick up a few odds and ends then throw on a pair of jeans, maybe some leggings. Hell even a pair of yoga pants will do the trick. There is no need to be seen traipsing around the supermarket in your Bruins pajama bottoms.

The most annoying 60 minutes of my life.

I always say that I can't stand when people complain about the vicissitudes of New England weather. I just want to shake them and say, "You live in New England! If you don't want to see snow go to Arizona!"

Can't stand it! Makes me crazy! Hurts my head!

However, I am here to blog about how much I hate the snow right now.

I woke up yesterday morning to a blizzard taking place outside of my window.

"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh....." I groaned as I reached for my Blackberry to call my therapist.

"This is Barbara."

"Barbara," I croaked, "Lisa Gradie. So is there any sort of rule for weather? Like if it's really bad do you cancel appointments?"

"Not unless we're talking the Blizzard of '78."

"Oookay. See you at 7:30."

The reason why I called is because if I don't cancel my appointment within one week I get charged $130 for the appointment. So I was hauling my ass to Brookline tonight; Nor'easter or not.

So all day I was anxious about driving in the snow. It wasn't so much driving to Brookline which is only 15 minutes from my office it was more anxious about driving the hour back to my house from Brookline. Finally at 6:15 I started to pack up. I wanted to leave enough time to actually get there. 

I made my way downstairs to the garage where I park and this is where the first annoyance happens. 

Need a push?

The ramp to get in and out of the garage is very steep. I drive a 2008 Jetta. I've plowed through snowbanks in my car so I really didn't think I'd have a problem going up a ramp. 

As I inched my way up I honked my horn like I usually do just to make sure that any unsuspecting pedestrians can hear that I'm barreling out of the garage. As I honked my horn two things happened: 1.) my car wouldn't move and 2.) a guy about my age walked over to my car.

"Oh hi. Sorry I wasn't honking at you. I just usually honk when I come out of the driveway to make sure that people know that I'm coming out, you know because I don't want to hit anyone and mer mer mer..."

"Ok." He glanced down to my tires that clearly weren't going anywhere. "Are you stuck?"

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm not really sure...."

"Do you want me to get behind you and push?"

"Uhhhh ok."

He tried pushing twice and I made it up a few more inches but Jesus Christ was that ramp icy!

After two minutes the garage door started to close, with the nose of my car still under it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" That was me. Shrieking.

"WATCH OUT!!!" And I threw the car into reverse and gunned it backwards. I looked up to see my stranger, shellacked to the wall presumably just having dashed out of the way in the knick of time, staring at me.

"Ooooook. Why don't you try going forward. I bet you can make it out."

I did a mental signing of the cross in my head and threw my car into drive. Suzi lurched forward and out into the snow covered street.

"YEAH BABY!!!" That was me again. High-fiving myself. "Soooooooo thanks for your help." I didn't know what to do next. Do I offer him a ride? Ask for his number so I can sent him a thank you edible arrangement? What if he was crazy? I mean I know he just helped me out of the goodness of his heart but I just wasted ten minutes trying to get my car out of the garage and I have to make it to Brookline and the weather is just so beastly-

"No problem. Drive safe." And with that my stranger took off down the street probably to take public transportation home.

After I was on the road I was so disturbed by my car getting stuck that I missed my right turn onto Dartmouth street. Now, in normal weather situations I would've've just pulled a U-ey in the middle of the road. But with the blizzard swirling around me I had to wait until a safe place to turn. This safe place wasn't for another 5 minutes. I had to circle pretty much all of the South End, go under 93S and come back to my work just to get back on track. This was annoyance #2 of the evening.

Thankfully the roads were clear and somewhat plowed so I was able to make my way to my therapist with only minimal swearing and pounding on my sheering wheel. I looked at the clock and I had an half-hour to spare. Nice. I was absolutely famished (my new diet consists basically of apples, almonds and water) so I decided to cross the T tracks and grab a small black bean burrito at Ana's Taqueria across the street.

Annoyance #3: No food for you!

"Hola mami."

"Hi can I please have a small black bean burrito with cheese."

"Chu wan' any rice?

"No thanks just a little bit of guac."

"No salsa?"

"No."

"Chee-kon?"

"Um. No."

"Lettuce? "

"I. Would. Just. Like. Cheese. Black Beans. And. A. Little. Bit. Of. Guacamole."

"Fo hea 'o to go?"

"To go please." I held out my card for them to take.

"Cash only."

"What?"

"We no take no cards."

"Since when?"

"Since forever."

I swear this is bullshit. I feel like I remember paying with my card when I used to go to JSutt's to work on the YGIU flash intro and watch So You Think You Can Dance.

"Das ok tho'. Ders an ATM down da street."

"Ok..." I walked away from the counter and straight into the big yellow CAUTION! WET! sign.

I made my way outside and onto the corner. I pondered trudging down the street to get some cash so I could eat my measly burrito which by this time was probably cold. I glanced at my phone to see the time. I only had fifteen minutes until my appointment.

"I'm not fucking walking down the street!" I said to myself.

"Excuuuuuuuse me??" But a little old Jewish lady heard my rant.

"Oh. HAHA. Nothing. Do you need, um, help crossing the street?"

"No."

Starving, I made my way across the street. Unlike some people who use the cross walk I decided to wade through the snow banks and cross the T tracks. It was closer than walking 15 feet to the crosswalk. I get lazy when there is snow in the picture.

I had crossed the tracks safely and was almost home free when my foot slipped on ice that I couldn't see. Next thing I know I was belly-flopping onto someone's Celica.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh....." I laid there for about thirty seconds before I actually moved. First I made sure that I hadn't cracked my teeth on the hood of the car. Then I made sure that no one saw. (If anyone did they weren't seeing if I was OK). Then I cried. (Not because I fell but because I got my new purse wet.)

In case you hadn't guessed yet, my acrobatics onto the car is annoyance #4. And that's all I've got. I mean once you belly-flop onto someone's car and leave an imprint in the snow of yourself there's really nothing else to say.

Thankfully I was going to therapy.

Berry anxiety.

I don't care if this is a post about how much I rely on my Blackberry and how much I'm freaking out because it's not working. I don't care because I do rely on it. I rely on it because it keeps me updated of places I'm supposed to be and presents I'm supposed to buy for birthdays and when I'm getting my teeth cleaned and where and how I'm getting  my hair cut. I rely on this stupid piece of metal and plastic to keep my life organized and now it isn't working.

Sad Face.

After a string of phones being stolen (R.I.P. Budahflyz), flushed down the toilet (R.I.P Budahflyz II) and run over by my car (R.I.P. Lisa's common sense) I decided to actually get a Berry. I rationalized the purchase by telling myself that I'd be more careful with this phone but in reality I just wanted to be able to blog on the go.

Anyway if you read YGIU regularly you know how obsessed I am with my phone (I'm still amazed I was hosed into buying one that doesn't have a camera). I'm always on it, always checking it, always tap, tap tapping away to my waiting public.

But today there was no tapping, no returning emails from my Berry with the Power of Sprint Speed.

No friends, today there was only silence on Lisa's berry front because according to Rachel and Valerie at Sprint Blackberry Support there is something happening with the BIS server??? And it is affecting Sprint Blackberry users nationwide????????

First of all, I don't trust IT girls. IT guys may be pompous, smug sons-of-bitches who always think they know everything but at least they give it to you straight. IT girls want to chat about the weather and congratulate me on my trip to China for business. (True story: Rachel was super eager to hear my life story.)

So at 4pm this afternoon Rachel told me that the problem would be fixed in one hour. Cut to 8:53pm. Problem still outstanding. Nothing in the way of emails coming into my berry. So I called back and this time got Valerie. She was equally annoying and explained to me that she's not sure why I was told there was a time table as to when the problem would be fixed because, well, there isn't

"Uh-huh. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell is there some sort of credit I can get for my Blackberry being out of commission ALL GODDAMN DAY??"

"I'll make a note in your account and when your data does start coming in you can feel free to call back and see what can be done for you."

" 'Kthxbye."

Guys. I've been a Sprint customer for 10 years. TEN YEARS! That's a long effing time. I've never committed to anything for that long. And let me tell you something, I commit! I'm a planner!

But I'm thinking of leaving Sprint. (Honestly, the thought of even leaving makes me kind of sad.) I feel like I've had so many issues with my Berry. Plus Sprint never gets any of the fun phones first! It's always Mr. Cock Sure Verizon who gets all the shiny new equipment. But I'm not convinced I could go with Verizon. The dude on the commercial is indeed one smug SOB.

Thoughts? Advice? I've only known one cell phone carrier. Teach me.